Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

Excellent..the best advice so far 😅

I agree with the "let them" theory- check out Mel Robbins YouTube videos on this - its very VERY liberating.

I'd send a bog standard card - thats it. Then you cant be accused of pettiness but equally, yes, she doesnt deserve a gift at all.

Then I would drop the rope and let her make the effort from now on. A card is not too much effort at all but it is more than enough considering how she has treated you, which is poorly.

Eurgh imagine having the gall to say you aren't being yourself. I second the glitter bomb card idea and then phasing her out. Depending on how much you value her company you could keep her on a casual friend basis (ie meet up when it suits you but don't invest energy into helping her or doing gifts etc). But if it were me I'd be too annoyed and she'd be binned.

I am reading all of the replies annd trying to keep up, and I am sorry I can’t reply to each one, as they are so heartfelt. This thread has really helped me feel better!

The save a place for me choked me a bit, the line at the bottom.

She didn’t save a place for me, she didn’t think I was that important or that worthy, despite everything we have been through together and that is why it hurts me. I felt like I didn’t/don’t matter. Easily replaceable.
To be fair, I have made this so easy for her by being overly giving, willing to overlook small indignities,
by trying so hard to be a good friend. She never really had to try and I guess never imagined I would stand up for myself or pull away because I never have to this moment.

I’ve thought about this a bit more and I would say to my child ‘You can’t be invited to everything.’ I think that’s the case here. It doesn’t make you any less of a friend and she did try to catch up with you.

This ⬆️
time to move on!

That’s really crap @Savingthehedgehogs I’m not surprised you feel this way. If it were me I’d let this friendship slide away.

Sorry about your experience with this "friend" OP. I can see why you are so hurt.

You wanted to know why and I think the answers are all in your updates.
She likes to party and you don't so much.
She's cultivating a new group of cool friends to party with.

You didn't fit the vibe she was aspiring to for her party.
She wanted to maintain a kind of friendship with you on her terms only because she likes that you remember her birthday, send lovely flowers and are a good agony aunt and shoulder to cry on (all things she can't rely on the cool friends for I bet).
She likes the dynamic where you serve her and boost her self esteem but put up with not getting anything much back (hence being so put out about you "not being yourself" and questioning her behaviour).

Never mind a birthday card. The friendship is never going to be what you thought it was now that your eyes have been opened.
You could downscale it to a more shallow acquaintanceship to protect yourself in future but have a good think about if you can really be bothered with that, especially as she may drop you anyway once there's less in it for her. Maybe just send a text this year and fade out.

The cool new friends sound a bit nasty tbh. When you said a mutual friend told you about the party i thought you meant they were genuinely confused you weren't there or figured she hadn't invited you and wanted to break it discreetly before you found out. But telling you with a smile makes me think the "mutual friend" relished seeing you pushed out of the inner circle. Birthday girl can enjoy their spiteful company instead, good luck to her with that!

I'd mirror exactly what she did for your birthday - send a text and suggest you meet for lunch to celebrate. Leave it to her though to make that arrangement more concrete, if it happens. Think it's time to downgrade her to 'acquaintance' and consider the whole episode part of your learning in not being such a people pleaser. It's painful I know.

I can imagine how hurt you must feel OP. It's never a nice feeling being left out, for no apparent reason.
I do also have a friend, who I've known for 25 years. We were considered besties and i know her sisters. We lived together for a few years too. She's actually been a really shit friend for various reasons so I did back off. (She had too). But still tells people i am one of her nearest and dearest. She had a milestone birthday a few months ago and celebrated with other friends and family. I wasn't invited. I wasn't surprised.
I still sent her a gift basket and a card. Not because I wanted to get one over her, but because I felt we had known each other a really long time, been through alot and I wanted to mark the day for her/with her.
I don't have any expectations of her anymore and I'm not bothered whether she reciprocates for my milestone birthday this year.
I guess the trick is to do what makes you most comfortable but don't have any expectations of her.

You could be right. It has come up on here more than once.

I guess I thought we were too old for that dynamic, I have always considered her to be too mature to muddy her hands with chasing party crowds at this point. I just didn’t see it at the time. I had a lot of respect for her, but it was actually the way they were with her that made me feel more guarded. They spoke to her very disrespectfully and embarrassed her in front of me. I honestly wondered at the time why she bothers with them.

We were at a drinks thing, and they were there. I have known them for years hence the mutual friends term, but they are not close friends of mine at all, I am nice but I am wary of them.

OP this woman has treated you so shabbily. It's very hurtful when someone shows you who they really are and it's not at all who you thought they were. I would send a box standard card and leave it at that.

Oh OP - you sound lovely! 🦔 as this thread shows a lot of us have been in your situation in some shape or form - it’s shit when care and thoughtfulness isn’t reciprocated. It’s my natural behaviour to want to do nice things for friends - eg nice cards and gifts for birthdays, babies etc, so to not do it feels like you are pushing against your own natural behaviour and not being yourself. It’s not that you don’t want to acknowledge and celebrate your friends birthday but it hurts so much that it’s not replicated .
do whatever option causes you the least upset OP- whether that’s a card, text or nothing at all.

@Savingthehedgehogs everyone commenting on the flowers shows her in a bad light not you …

Agreed, so many people have been hurt and let down by friends, it's sad. A number of years ago, someone I considered a good friend of mine, dropped me spectacularly in favour of another friend of mine that I introduced her to. I was so hurt and couldn't understand why anyone had to be 'pushed out'. Luckily for me, my other friend could see what was going on and she and I are as close as ever, but the other woman is no longer close to either of us. I have no ill will towards her, I just know I can't trust her so without that, there's no friendship.

Yes absolutely, but it ignited some kind of shame. The shame of not being there despite the years of friendship. It does look bad.

Did she get you a gift in the end though? Sorry if I missed that

She was apparently holding on to it, waiting until the next lunch. So no is the answer to that.

She invited close friends to a do.That didn't include you. Understandably that hurt you as you regard her a close friend

So hurtful. Op I was close to my cousin. Realised she loved my company as got loads info out me. Then she got a job and no had time for nobody. This was a lesson I learnt at 50 dont ever be a doormat again for friends. !! I was hurt as always so nice to her. These people are not your friends.

I can relate to this. We learn as children that not being included is something to be ashamed of because it means we're not good enough. And even when we are rational adults who can see clearly is them not us at fault, being excluded triggers that muscle memory of shame. Take heart (in a strange way!) from the fact that so many people have experienced similar and there's nothing wrong with any of us.

One of my friends had a milestone birthday. I was mortified that no one made any effort, no one mentioned it, and no one made a fuss. Since I’ve got high standards, I did. I took her for dinner and bought a nice present, all gratefully received.

It turned out the radio silence from our friendship group was not thoughtlessness but them being told to keep her big birthday bash quiet from those not invited, including me.

I felt quite humiliated TBH, especially at her cheek of letting me spoil her.

The lesson I learnt is that it says more about her than me TBH. I’m still friends but I no longer put myself out for her. Send a card and that’s it. She’s told you directly that you aren’t important. Spend your energy elsewhere where you are appreciated. No more Easter’s or special occasions. She doesn’t value your friendship. There’s nothing wrong with you, you are a nice person, we need more people like you, not less.

She’s not a friend worth having.

If her husband organised something & mistakenly didn't invite you she would have been calling/messaging you the next day.

Hell, I'd have been calling from the party telling you to get there asap!