Friends birthday issue

[Savingthehedgehogs]

It’s a first world problem but bugging me!

My friend (of 15 years plus, we see each other regularly) had a milestone birthday last year, she had said she was having a big party in the summer of this year - which didn’t materialise due to col. Fair enough. I bought her a thoughtful and beautiful gift at the time, I put a lot of care into making sure she had fresh flowers on her birthday too, as I thought she was just at home on the day as she had said, and wanted her to feel special. I had suggested I organise something for her, but she had a holiday booked with a mutual friend of ours and husbands and would focus on her big joint party in the summer.

However, I found out later she did have a party but not huge one (she told me after another friend said they were surprised to not see me there) I was very hurt and surprised by this. And embarrassed. We see each other regularly and even celebrate Easter together and other events, she has obviously been to all of our milestone birthdays.

Fast forward to my birthday this year and she forgets to send a card and a gift, but does text and offers to meet for lunch to celebrate. We always exchange gifts for birthdays and Christmas, and do something special like a lunch or an outing.

I assume at this point she wants to cool down the friendship, or she is prioritising other friends which is fine.

I told her I felt hurt about the milestone party, and she missed my bday altogether. I wanted to figure out if she was upset by something else or if there was a reason. I prefer talking honestly and directly.

She apologised quite sincerely, and she has tried to make plans to meet up over the summer, but I have been quite reluctant to see her again. We don’t message as much now, and I am wondering if I really want this person as a friend.

I am a good friend, and an honest one and I can’t quite get past the fact she did organise a party in the end, be it not a big party but certainly with mutual friends and didn’t think to invite me. I just feel it was dishonest. We spoke about her birthday for six months on and off before it happened!

Her birthday is coming up again. Do I send a card and gift as usual and carry on as normal - or do I just send a card to avoid looking petty or do I send nothing? Wwyd?

I don’t know what to do for the best, the friendship feels tainted now. Like we can’t unwind what’s happened. I don’t hold grudges so I am not sure why it still bothers me.

So the only reasons I could have a guess are a. Do you know aomethng she doesn’t want anyone else to know and she’s scared you’d say anything. b. Would you cause conflict/be too blunt with her other friends and she can’t face it. Please, please don’t think I’m suggesting either of those for a second. Oh and third… do you look amazing and she’s jealous? Other than any of those - not saying any of them are valid reasons at all- that’s really awful and I’d be so hurt too. That’s really awful not to have been invited and especially when your bloody flowers were the centre piece! X

This is the best way!

Not judged no, because she loves that scene, but maybe I am not as ‘fun’ as her other friends. I am more reserved but have my moments but just not every single weekend 🥳 as I would die of exhaustion, and my job would implode. It wasn’t a late night party as it was a Thursday.

I'd send a card.

I kind of fell out with a very long time friend last year. Nothing for months. We've had one long phone call to try and make it right and see if we can move forward. We've had texts since - we live hours apart - but still not the same. No birthday or Christmas gifts. Sent a birthday card only to each other.

You sound like a fab friend and an all round amazing human (if your user name is anything to go by)

I'd absolutely send her a card. A card that plays a never ending, indestructible, happy birthday song and contains a glitter bomb that means she'll be picking up glitter for years to come and will be forced to think of you every time she sees one of the shiny little flakes of goodness.

Websites can be linked if required 😂

Yes she looked so taken aback when I asked her, she asked me if I felt okay as I wasn’t being myself, I took it as a compliment as I am terrible with conflict or even the idea of it and so I thought it was progress at the time. She almost tried to make it sound like it was me: and why was I bringing it up. That kind of vibe. It was awkward! But I had to say something.

She isn’t putting the effort in - why would she exclude you. She clearly doesn’t value the friendship as highly as you do. I’d probably back right off, but maybe that is petty. I’d cool v significantly anyway. Maybe a text for her birthday!

She didn't invite you for a reason. If she is still interested in your friendship my guess is that the reason was to do with someone else who was going to be there who didn't want you there, and she chose them. This is the most common reason for being excluded from something you have reason to expect to be invited to ime. Otherwise I'd say that she doesn't see you as being as close as you think and you've read it wrong.

I have a friend like this. I am was on the list for when she wanted a big favour, picking up from airport, somewhere to stay,, somewhere for a family member to stay sometimes for extended periods. I finally twigged when I saw her FB page with loads of pictures showing her birthday celebrations where she lived abroad with all her 'dearest friends'. They had all been invited to help her celebrate. Needless to say it was the first I heard of it. A couple of weeks later she emailed saying she couldn't find a coach from the airport to where she was planning to stay in the UK and did I have any ideas! Funnily enough, I didn't!

I wouldn’t even bother sending a text. She has behaved appallingly and deserves to feel that. She really didn’t like you bringing it up did she?! Because she is used to using you as and when it suits.

I wouldn't send her a thing, I couldn't even be arsed with a text.
She's shown you exactly where she values your friendship, the flowers has boiled my piss for you-the absolute bitch.
If she chases you again for a get together I'd just say 'look, you didn't value you me enough to invite me to your party, nor did you then see fit to tell me the truth about it. Therefore I value my time far too much to waste any of it meeting you'
Be blunt.

Well done for pulling her up on it.
She didn't like it though.

Ah thank you! I LOVE the glitter bomb idea 🪩🪩 she has the most gorgeous house and wouldn’t thank me for covering the place in cheap micro plastics !!! A sprinkle of goodness to remember me by! 🥰

@Savingthehedgehogs

I wouldnt send her anything. She doesn't value your friendship, she lied to you. She left you out of her party. Time to call it a day.

Agree with this. Just move on even though it's upsetting.

If it makes you feel better, I made a three tier free wedding cake for my ex friend plus an extra fruit cake because "her dad doesn't like sponge" and I wasn't invited to her hen party! I still cringe when I think about it.

The lesson is not to be too generous to selfish twats. If in doubt , don't and keep monitoring for reciprocation.

@Savingthehedgehogs well done OP. You stood up for yourself. The fact she finds that uncomfortable speaks volumes.

Just send a text that should be enough.

Twice in the same year 2 biggish birthdays, we'd took cards and presents to family members. One of the kids kept saying is the party starting yet, no not having a party they were told. Roll on Christmas and what present do we receive only a personalised calender with pictures of both non existent parties. Safe to say them calenders went in the bin and just started reflecting their treatment back.

Initially my thought was to send a card, but reading through your posts has changed my mind. Don’t bother sending anything. No gift, card or text. Just let it drift past off your radar. You need to remove the date from your birthday calendar and focus your energies elsewhere. Be pleasant at group events, but otherwise forget about her.

I really can’t imagine who that would be but maybe. It’s possible. She has a few new ‘cool’ friends, I didn’t take much notice of them before this happened, but she was always trying hard to be invited to their parties.

Someone asked our ages: 50 🫡

It should be embarrassing for her, not for you. If you think the mutual friends were giving you the "heads up" about it, I reckon they see how cheeky she was.

Absolutely not OP. No more thoughtful gifts and heartfelt cards. You simply are respecting yourself enough to leave this friendship in the past.

It is clear that you valued the friendship far more than she did. Yes, it does hurt but better to know now and make the informed decision of stepping away.

A text will suffice.

This could be exactly why you weren’t invited ? If he organised it then he may not have included all the people that she might have ?
I would usually read a message like yours and just assume it means you value the friendship more highly than she does BUT my own husband who never organises anything did go to the effort of organising me a get together for a big birthday which was extremely sweet of him, however he isn’t the most organised of people and managed to only invite some of my friends (and lots of his own) and randomly excluded some of my very best friends and only some from a group and not others. I was so confused and anxious about it as I was worried those friends would take it as you have done and as many in this thread have done too and it generally does not reflect the standing of those friendships in my eyes. My husband is just not very good at organising social things like that (although obv v sweet of him for trying!). It is in fairness quite tricky to accommodate all friends in one event unless throwing something absolutely epic, as many people have friends from several different parts of their life; school, uni, different jobs or hobbies, local or school parents or nct etc. if you invited every single one it would perhaps spiral out of control cost wise and maybe she just wanted a handful of couples who particularly click. Who knows.

i Would judge the friendship on more general terms, how much effort does she put in otherwise ? I wouldn’t get her a gift if she didn’t get you one this year though,

I've had this twice
once was with one of my very closest friends - she invited six people with her husband to a key event and did not ask me. It was 22 years ago and I don't think I have ever forgiven her really. Since then I have distanced myself even though we are still friends. I am sure she was pandering to her husband who wouldn't flashier/wealthier guests - but I would not have done the same.
another friend had a party in a country house for a milestone birthday. She went to great lengths to hide it on social media but it slipped out after the event. She wrote to me to apologise/explain unprompted afterwards but it damaged our friendship.

OP I really feel for you, this kind of thing can cut really deep when you have no explanation as to why. I was a day late wishing my friend happy birthday this year (she failed to come to the party organised for my big birthday last year, backed out last minute but that’s fine, I kind of expected it because she can be a bit flaky) and she’s ghosted me ever since 🤣 left me on read. I apologised profusely for it (perimenopause has left me with a terrible memory, forgot to go to work one day, then I forgot my dads birthday a couple of months later, followed by my sister in laws 🤦🏻‍♀️)
Ive left her to it, I’m too long in the tooth for these kind of childish games now, if she wants to throw away a 25 year friendship because I was 24 hours late saying happy birthday, then good luck to her

Oh god! We sound like the same person! I would do the same.

i annoy myself. I give and give and give. I immediately agree to help, often offering before I am even asked. I give the best presents, the best parties, the most generous dinners. When will I ever learn?
I am yet to meet anyone that tries harder than me, but you would definitely give me a run for my money Historian! It’s not fun.

I would be smarting about the hen for years too.