Birthday cake without parents?

[Wondergirl1111]

I have really tried to be a part of my husbands family over the years, but unfortunately I don't think I'm thought of as part of the 'family'. They are nice to me generally, but I'm not an important person to them. And that's ok, life goes on - however...

It's my DD birthday next week and we're going on holiday. I have just heard from my DH that my MIL has got DS a cake and is planning on doing a little birthday celebration with her tomorrow (she spends one day a week with them and her cousin). It seems as if maybe the rest of the family (aunties and uncles) are going to be there, yet no one has asked me if I would like to be there too (DH is at work). It's her first birthday where she will really understand it's her birthday.

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her? And if so, should I speak up before it happens so that this can be avoided (or do you think it will cause conflict - something I'd like to avoid!). Do I have the right to ask them to wait until after her birthday?

Is it ok for them not to ask me or shall I just let it go ahead, don't overthink it and let DD have a nice time blowing out the candles?

Ultimately DD's happiness is the most important element. I just keep thinking about when I was little - my mum was there making the cakes and lighting the candles - I want DD to feel that stability in these memorable moments too, so aside from my own feelings, that's another worry.

Thank you.

Sod that, it’s your child’s birthday, you should be there. Tell them No.

And her Daddy should be there too.

This year my DD had a celebration with extended family (I was at work) a few days before her birthday, with cake and gifts, and a cake on her actual birthday with me. I honestly didn't mind, she was happy and excited and it was lovely. She turned 3 so was the first time she had any awareness of her birthday.

You're her mum and nothing will replace or change that. It's great that others love her and want to treat her on her birthday. I'd be inclined to invite as much love and happiness into her life as possible.

Unless I've misread your post, it's not your child's birthday until next week? So this is just MIL doing a "nice thing" for your child in advance, on the day she usually has her.

You still get to celebrate your child's birthday with her, in whatever way you want.
And your child gets two lots of cake :)

Yes I totally agree - I would never do the cake and HB song without her Daddy - I'd rather get up at 5am and do it in the morning all together before he left for work than him not be there for it!

That's given me another perspective thanks!

It's not her birthday, her birthday is next week. I think it's fine and you are overthinking it. She can have two birthday s. What's not to like.

I think your DH should intervene, and say that he wants to be there for the first birthday celebrations this year - they can either do it at a time you guys can be there, or wait till after her birthday.

I’m confused, do they mind your child? Why would she be thee without you? If you are working just say to her that gm is doing a birthday party for her tomorrow and then you and her daddy will be having cake with her on her bday day!

Is the one day a week they have her free childcare? And is the cake on the same day they usually have her? If so, I think it's just like having birthday cake at nursery or childminders? If it is a specially planned occasion, and DD is invited, but not you, then I think that's a bit strange.

Either way, DD will enjoy the cake and attention. She definitely won't equate it to you not loving her.

Ps if they’re not minding then just go along with her!

Totally overthinking it, let her grandmother have cake with her!

Call MIL and say Dh says you are doing cake for DD. what time do you need me to get there so I am in time for that?

You’re overthinking it. You can celebrate her birthday with her and her Dad on holiday when it actually is her birthday.

This is a nice little bonus her grandmother is arranging while she looks after her.

In that case Gramny won't mind doing it the week after her birthday will she?

All the extended family are taking time off work to go to MILs for birthday cake etc for your child and they haven't asked if you / DH would like to be there?

My kids often had a cake at nursery a day or two before their actual birthday. Just a nice thing to do. They enjoyed it just as much when we did it again at home on the day itself.

DD is three too, so very similar situations then!
Yes this is the other side of the coin - she gets two cakes, two songs! Two lots of special times. And yes, @redskydarknight - her birthday is next week when we will be on holiday with her. So we can do a cake etc then.

I guess I am worried she will think that is her actual birthday (you know what three year olds are like!) and will wonder why mummy and daddy aren't there - but I think I'm overthinking it aren't I?! x

That's so overly precious and uptight though. These things really, really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and to attach such weight to them is just going to cause unnecessary stress for everyone.

She gets two celebrations, what's not to like. It takes a village to raise a child and it seems like she has one if aunts, etc will also be there. They may well think it's a bit mean of you to take her away for the first birthday she will really enjoy and possibly remember. I'm sure you could invite yourself to the celebration if you want to be there.

Would you usually be there when she’s with them every week? If not then they probably just thought they’d do a nice for her birthday whilst she’s there as she’ll be away for her actual birthday with you. I think it’s lovely that they thought to do this for her.

Have cake and candles with your daughter and husband the day before she goes to her grandparents.

Yeah, this. Let your child have two cakes! It's about HIM after all, not YOUR feelings. The actual day will be special, and you can sing with cake then.

I disagree. This is granny making a powerplay to be first and therefore more special.

So if you’re available, why are your pil having her?

Perhaps MIL doesn’t want to interrupt your ‘day off’ from looking after DD.

Ask DH to drop into conversation that it’s a shame he’ll miss it but luckily you don’t have any plans and could come along.

This is about your feelings rather than your daughter’s. I don’t think she’ll give you being there or not a second thought. She is still too young to interpret it any meaningful way. It’s just a bit of fun.