Birthday cake without parents?

[Wondergirl1111]

I have really tried to be a part of my husbands family over the years, but unfortunately I don't think I'm thought of as part of the 'family'. They are nice to me generally, but I'm not an important person to them. And that's ok, life goes on - however...

It's my DD birthday next week and we're going on holiday. I have just heard from my DH that my MIL has got DS a cake and is planning on doing a little birthday celebration with her tomorrow (she spends one day a week with them and her cousin). It seems as if maybe the rest of the family (aunties and uncles) are going to be there, yet no one has asked me if I would like to be there too (DH is at work). It's her first birthday where she will really understand it's her birthday.

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her? And if so, should I speak up before it happens so that this can be avoided (or do you think it will cause conflict - something I'd like to avoid!). Do I have the right to ask them to wait until after her birthday?

Is it ok for them not to ask me or shall I just let it go ahead, don't overthink it and let DD have a nice time blowing out the candles?

Ultimately DD's happiness is the most important element. I just keep thinking about when I was little - my mum was there making the cakes and lighting the candles - I want DD to feel that stability in these memorable moments too, so aside from my own feelings, that's another worry.

Thank you.

Am I misunderstanding. MIL has granddaughter weekly - so has a good relationship with her.

You have booked a holiday over her first birthday she will understand it is her birthday.

Have you arranged a time for grandparents to wish their granddaughter a happy birthday or sing to her?

If the answer is no, then I'm not surprised they have arranged something.

At that age we had a small family party/open house. Where family were welcome to drop in, I'd have a cake etc. if I wasn't doing this I'm fairly confident if they were being card for by grandparents they would have.

On another note my DC went to nursery. They definitely sang happy biithday and I provided a cake!

• typing without glasses on so ignore spelling mistakes.

What I'm trying to say is if you don't create an opportunity then others will.

I'd leave it and let DD enjoy the attention.

When DD was three, she had a birthday cake & candles and they sung to her at nursery, at the childminder's, at PIL's, at ours on her birthday and then at her party. It was similar for the next few years too. I was just pleased that people had gone to the effort of getting her a cake, candles etc and that she was surrounded by that much love & attention.

It does seem odd that they have arranged a party with all the relatives, but not the child’s actual parents! Were they planning to tell you at all?

Maybe preempt the day by telling your dc that as Granny isn’t coming n on holiday with us, so won’t be there in your proper birthday, then she’s going get you a special cake fir you on Wednesday (or wherever).

I think you are over thinking it. Your daughter spends one day a week in childcare with these people. They are celebrating her birthday like a childminder or school would, on the nearest day she is with them, with the people that she's with them with.

Just so everyone knows - this event has passed, thanks for everyone who gave their thoughts - it was very helpful to get perspective and I feel we dealt with and judged the situation with balance having taken them all into account.

Very mixed responses which is interesting... See poll results!

Its a week before her bday, you are over thinking it. She’s 1yrs old so of course she won’t think her mother doesn’t love her etc.

How did you deal with it?

Well @StormingNorman, I was contemplating doing an update so here goes..

Outcome was very surprising - and now I know why we weren't invited... Slightly long post so if you're not interested you have been warned - save yourself now!

DH ended up speaking to his parents about it the night before as he also found it strange not to be invited and he asked if they would like to come to ours and do it at the end of the day instead as a way of us being there, but not making it awkward.

In laws replied "It will have to be at ours because other people are coming and want to celebrate her birthday too". Very blunt and shut down the conversation.

It turns out it wasn't just a cake and a song like it would have been at nursery or childminders, but a full on family party with party hats and nibbles and music and presents as well as cake etc. They text me that morning saying "I was welcome to join if I wanted" and that it was a last minute thing - which it wasn't, as other people had clearly been invited in the days / weeks before.

The reason we weren't invited as her parents? We realised when we arrived (DH replied saying we would of course want to be there as she's our little girl and we moved mountains to get there around work) - it was because they invited someone in the family that has been extremely rude and hurtful to my DH, screamed at him and I in our own house earlier this year (the final straw for him) after which he decided to take some time away from that person and their bullying behaviour. He's been having counselling about it too.

They tried to keep that from us and not invited us 'because it would have been awkward".

It seems that for my in-laws, it was more important that this other family member was there to celebrate our DD birthday than it was for her parents. This has made me really cross because they clearly don't have my DD best interests at heart - only their own. DD was 3 - she would obviously want her parents to watch her blow out her candles, especially if the entire rest of the family was there too. The way she sought me out in the little crowd with her most proud smile confirmed that for me!

Moral of the story I guess, is to trust your intuition and remember that you know your little one best. I'm glad she had a celebration with her cousins, I would never deny her that, and we have also had our own cake on holiday which was wonderful - the more cake the better!

But DH and I have been left feeling very at sea... like children, dictated to by his parents about what happens with our little one on something as special as her birthday, because there were ulterior motives. Trust has been lost. It's really sad. Not sure where we will go from here as we don't want to have a family rift, but I really don't want them to do something like this again where we are purposely left in the dark when it comes to our own daughter.

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her

Yes you are. She wont even remember any of it. At that age it's a more a celebration for others than the actual child who will have no memory of it.

Why would you expect an invitation? If you want to be there then just go, its your child.

It's lovely of your MIL to get a her cake.

Edit: Just read your update after my post. I read it as she was 1 years old. Still don't think it makes a difference at 3.

However the rest of it is a rubbish move on their part.

Oh heck.

I'm sorry that you're dealing with such a manipulative shower.

I had thought that you might be overreacting, OP. Given the update, it's clear that you weren't.

In your place, I wouldn't be allowing them to organise anything else, given the lies involved.

Come on. It's SUPER passive aggressive to invite all and sundry extended family and not the actual parents.

@Wondergirl1111 what an update 😲 it sounds like you will need to make other arrangements for childcare, as really how could you trust your in-laws after this?

This is a symptom of a bigger problem but the actual event is a non-issue, DD really won't remember or care who did these things with her in a decade. These are your future memories they are upsetting not hers so try not to let it impact you. Do the cake and song with DC and DH on holiday as planned.

Edited due to update- new childcare and rock solid boundaries needed after your holiday. Don't send her there again if they are willing to override you on who will be around your dc

If you're not usually available at the time DD's grandparents look after her, it is unsurprising that they haven't invited you. Don't worry about it. You can tell DD that this is part one of her birthday celebrations which will continue on holiday on her actual birthday. She'll just be happy to get two treats.

I would attend if you can

So three in total, just so op can get in first?
How is it possible to be this petty?!

100% agree they are arrogant and high handed liars. They need rock solid boundaries from here on in.

I am not trying to upset you but l bet there are other things that have happened which they haven’t told you about or they have lied about

Wow following your update I would not be having her go there once a week anymore and not on her own. Your mil sounds extremely manipulative and overbearing!

What a shame. I had given them the benefit of the doubt. It seems they thought their own agenda of this other person being there was more important than the wishes of the child’s father. I am assuming you wouldn’t particularly want your daughter around that family member. The more cake the better yes, but I would be really angry about this. I guess your intuition was correct as you said. What do you think you’ll do going forward?

What's wrong with being petty?

OP, situations liek this, with some variation, have happened in DH's family too.

My advice is to separate out the different issues.

IN terms of the birthday cake etc, lots of children will have a birthday tadition with a grandparent that is separate or different to with their own parents. That's okay. It will be normal and expected pretty quickly. Draw the line only when it's absolutely necessary - eg I had to tell MIL that NO, we would NOT be using the cake she had ordered specially... because she hadn't discussed it with me and I had made a cake, at DS' request. But if she wants to do a special cake with him on a spearate day, at her house, I have learnt to just shrug that one off.

The bigger issue is the manipulation with this other family member. They are purposesflly allowing and encouraging someone into your DD's life who you and your Dh are (I assume, based on your posts) attempting to go LC with, for good reason. THAT is a huge issue and potentially really problematic. Again, we had the potential for this to hapepn with us, but thank goodness, we clocked what was likely to happen and were able to put clear bondaries in place in advance and, whiel I'm sure MIL rolled her eyes a LOT, she did respect that boundary. FIL wouldn't have, but we were able to just work around him as he also wouldn't have ever gone out of his way to do something we didn't like.

Is that a serious question?

Well, yes!

If it makes the mother feel better, and it's not hurting anyone else, and her daughter gets to enjoy cake, what's the problem?

Seriously.

Why would anyone care?