Birthday cake without parents?

[Wondergirl1111]

I have really tried to be a part of my husbands family over the years, but unfortunately I don't think I'm thought of as part of the 'family'. They are nice to me generally, but I'm not an important person to them. And that's ok, life goes on - however...

It's my DD birthday next week and we're going on holiday. I have just heard from my DH that my MIL has got DS a cake and is planning on doing a little birthday celebration with her tomorrow (she spends one day a week with them and her cousin). It seems as if maybe the rest of the family (aunties and uncles) are going to be there, yet no one has asked me if I would like to be there too (DH is at work). It's her first birthday where she will really understand it's her birthday.

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her? And if so, should I speak up before it happens so that this can be avoided (or do you think it will cause conflict - something I'd like to avoid!). Do I have the right to ask them to wait until after her birthday?

Is it ok for them not to ask me or shall I just let it go ahead, don't overthink it and let DD have a nice time blowing out the candles?

Ultimately DD's happiness is the most important element. I just keep thinking about when I was little - my mum was there making the cakes and lighting the candles - I want DD to feel that stability in these memorable moments too, so aside from my own feelings, that's another worry.

Thank you.

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Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

I am still dumbfounded it's all happened. Had a chat with my counsellor who i see about confidence issues and spoke to her about it, she agreed with you all. She said they actions are not putting DD first and are childish and manipulative. They have broken the trust, and Firm boundaries need to be put in place...
@JadziaD Thank you for your advice and sorry you have been through similar. You're very right about separating the situations. That's great advice thank you. How did you go about having those conversations?

@LadyGabriella Thanks - I'm really not sure what to do. The problem is, the reason this family member shouted at us in the first place was because he tried to put a boundary in place - it caused his whole family to turn against him basically. He has tried to hard to mend things with his parents - and they have got better. But clearly they still side with the family member who shouted at us and has said such hurtful things to him (it's is sister). So putting these boundaries in place feels like a very difficult task because doing that lead us to where we are now!

I have considered asking them to sit down with me, seeing as they are all just so dismissive and cruel to DH, I feel like he's tried so hard and always is the one to have the conversations but I feel a need to pritect him a little now.
AndI feel it's my responsibility as DD's mum to laying down my boundaries so that I can trust her being with them. I wonder if dealing with me might lead them to respect the boundaries more... but as i said - I have confidence issues and I'm not sure how well I'll be able to stand up to them. However, I need to advocate for my daughter, so I think it must be done.

Any advice out there on what you might say and how you might handle it? Face to face? An informal text which offers no conversation just keeping it simple? Many thanks all! x

With the cake, I just said no! 🤣 basically, I told her that I had made a cake for DS, and decorated it the way he wanted (40000 chocolate buttons) and that if she wants to do something like buy a special cake for his birthday, she needs to tell me as obviously I had made appropriate plans. I have never refused to allow her to have a separate little cake or celebration though - she will whip out something for the dc at her house or whatever and it's fine.

With the person, it was a bit easier in that while the rest of the family were allowing him in, everyone knew that he was a problem. So we were able to say to MIL that our dc could only be around him when me or dh was there and even if she didn't agree, she would nonetheless respect that. With fil, he probably wouldn't have, but he was never the kind of grandparent who we left the children with alone so we just sort of dodged that bullet.

I think you’re mixing up different issues. I don’t think this is anything to do with your daughter for a start. When DS was that age, he certainly had different ‘parties’ with different parts of the family, including cake and candles, not all of which DH or I were present for. If you don’t trust your PILs with your child, that’s an entirely separate matter, but I don’t think inviting a family member your DH has an issue with to a party in their house suggests anything about your DD’s welfare is at issue. They can invite whoever they like to their house, and omit personality clashes from the invitation list. Or are you saying that you think that they can’t invite a family member to the birthday of a three year old because they have beef with that three year old’s parents?

Yabu, it's not her actual birthday, it's her GPs doing something lovely to mark the day with people who aren't necessarily going to see her on her actual birthday, where as you and DH will! No different to school or nursery singing happy birthday to a kid whose birthday isn't until the weekend for example.

If you always over analyse things and think the worst, perhaps it's partly why you don't get on so well with these family members, I'd find this attitude annoying too, it's like you're looking for problems where there are none.

I think you ARE probably overthinking it- she will just enjoy the fuss and then enjoy doing it with you even more for her actual birthday. I do think it’s really weird your MIL wouldn’t invite you though.

@Autumn38 - it is weird - did you see my update? I found out why x

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