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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake without parents?

83 replies

Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 14:20

I have really tried to be a part of my husbands family over the years, but unfortunately I don't think I'm thought of as part of the 'family'. They are nice to me generally, but I'm not an important person to them. And that's ok, life goes on - however...

It's my DD birthday next week and we're going on holiday. I have just heard from my DH that my MIL has got DS a cake and is planning on doing a little birthday celebration with her tomorrow (she spends one day a week with them and her cousin). It seems as if maybe the rest of the family (aunties and uncles) are going to be there, yet no one has asked me if I would like to be there too (DH is at work). It's her first birthday where she will really understand it's her birthday.

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her? And if so, should I speak up before it happens so that this can be avoided (or do you think it will cause conflict - something I'd like to avoid!). Do I have the right to ask them to wait until after her birthday?

Is it ok for them not to ask me or shall I just let it go ahead, don't overthink it and let DD have a nice time blowing out the candles?

Ultimately DD's happiness is the most important element. I just keep thinking about when I was little - my mum was there making the cakes and lighting the candles - I want DD to feel that stability in these memorable moments too, so aside from my own feelings, that's another worry.

Thank you.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 29/10/2024 14:46

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her?

Yes of course you are. Other people doing things for your child will not negate her love for you. She only has one mum and she already knows who that is. Let her enjoy the cake and you can make a big fuss with cake and presents on her actual birthday.

As a childminder we often did cake for all the children if it was someone's birthday either before, after or sometimes on the day itself. I can guarantee you that not one of those children ever felt less love for their mother or enjoyed their birthdays any less because they had more than one cake

LadyGabriella · 29/10/2024 14:49

She can have multiple birthday celebrations, it’s fine.

StampOnTheGround · 29/10/2024 14:50

I wouldn't mind if it was done after the birthday and we'd done our own thing first, but not the other way round.

OneMoreCornettoPls · 29/10/2024 14:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Flossflower · 29/10/2024 14:56

stayathomer · 29/10/2024 14:29

I’m confused, do they mind your child? Why would she be thee without you? If you are working just say to her that gm is doing a birthday party for her tomorrow and then you and her daddy will be having cake with her on her bday day!

i look after my grandchildren, but I certainly would not do anything like this!
It will be the first cake she has and the parents need to be asked if this is ok and do they want to come.
Parents have the right to the ‘main event’ with their children.
My children would not want 2 birthday cakes because of the extra sugar (I also care about extra sugar too)

YouveGotAFastCar · 29/10/2024 14:58

This really should be something they asked you about beforehand, and you should feel comfortable to tell them you'd rather they didn't.

The fact that neither party does suggests that they should not be looking after DD without a parent being there. The relationship isn't functional enough.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/10/2024 15:00

You are, kindly, over thinking it massively.

She's 3... she's going to think 'oh goody, cake' not 'why isn't my Mummy here, doesn't she love me?'.

She may think it is her birthday, but then there is a good chance she's going to think it is her birthday every friday from now until next actual birthday, in the hopes of more cake and presents... because she's 3. She will probably do the same with christmas as this will be the first year she's really grasping that idea too.

Let her have cake! And do it all again on her actual birthday and point out it is her actual birthday. She will be thrilled, because... cake and presents and people she likes/loves.

KoalaCalledKevin · 29/10/2024 15:05

AIBU to want to be with DD when she has a cake and is sung happy birthday the first time she really understands it all?

No, I don't think this is unreasonable. If she's invited wider family, why wouldn't she invite you? It's a weird thing to do.

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her?

I do think this is something you don't need to worry about though.

Catza · 29/10/2024 15:06

Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 14:34

DD is three too, so very similar situations then!
Yes this is the other side of the coin - she gets two cakes, two songs! Two lots of special times. And yes, @redskydarknight - her birthday is next week when we will be on holiday with her. So we can do a cake etc then.

I guess I am worried she will think that is her actual birthday (you know what three year olds are like!) and will wonder why mummy and daddy aren't there - but I think I'm overthinking it aren't I?! x

I think you are a bit. I loved spending time with my grandparents at that age and would have been absolutely delighted to do something with extended family. And to the "I worry she will think it is her actual birthday" I can tell you that 3-year-olds have very little concept of what the birthday is. When my cousin was around that age he asked my aunt when his birthday was and she said "In winter" to which he relied "and if I eat well, will it be in summer?" So honestly, let her have a fun tea party with the grandparents. It can only be a good thing to have such a loving family.

Neveragain35 · 29/10/2024 15:07

I do think you’re overthinking it and DC won’t care at all! However were you planning on doing any family celebration at all or just a cake with you and DH on holiday? Could it be that MIL feels a bit put out by this?

Could you invite MIL and cousins etc round for a party tea before you go away?

Original poster
Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 15:09

Great thanks everyone! To be honest this is what I wanted and needed to hear - I HATE conflict and would never want any especially over a birthday, so this has been great to sense-check and see I am overthinking it and the best thing for DD is two birthday cakes.

I don't think there is any powerplay with MIL - just thoughtlessness at not mentioning it to me - if it were me I'd do it at the end of the day when mummy picks her up and involve everyone - but that's me not her! I think it's best not to be oversensitive and let it be.

(@Cherrysoup - I am a freelancer so I could have joined them half an hour earlier if they did it at the end of the day. Also, they want to spend time with her - she could go to nursery but this way she spends time with her cousin too who she loves. Not really got anything to do with it.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 15:11

Flossflower · 29/10/2024 14:56

i look after my grandchildren, but I certainly would not do anything like this!
It will be the first cake she has and the parents need to be asked if this is ok and do they want to come.
Parents have the right to the ‘main event’ with their children.
My children would not want 2 birthday cakes because of the extra sugar (I also care about extra sugar too)

Show quote history

You sound like a brilliant grandmother and mother!

OP posts:
LadyGabriella · 29/10/2024 15:12

Plus I’m sure your cake will be better anyway.

Original poster
Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 15:12

nokidshere · 29/10/2024 14:46

Am I silly to worry that she will wonder where I am and think I don't love her?

Yes of course you are. Other people doing things for your child will not negate her love for you. She only has one mum and she already knows who that is. Let her enjoy the cake and you can make a big fuss with cake and presents on her actual birthday.

As a childminder we often did cake for all the children if it was someone's birthday either before, after or sometimes on the day itself. I can guarantee you that not one of those children ever felt less love for their mother or enjoyed their birthdays any less because they had more than one cake

This is a great point about child-minders! Thanks - all great perspective x

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 29/10/2024 15:14

I think you are being a bit ott. It's her day with them, and they want to celebrate with her. Next year she'll be a preschool where they might sing happy birthday to her, and obviously you won't be invited. I think its normal and healthy for her to have relationships with people that are separate to you, otherwise its a little controlling / helicopterish.

ricestardust · 29/10/2024 15:20

My youngest had 3 birthday cakes for one birthday, a long time ago - home, nursery, and party. He doesn't think he's three times older than expected. Moreover... he doesn't even remember.

CosyLemur · 02/11/2024 12:26

Spirallingdownwards · 29/10/2024 14:40

I disagree. This is granny making a powerplay to be first and therefore more special.

Show quote history

Granny and the rest of the family give free childcare every week, if they didn't DC would be at a childminders or nursery where guess what - they'd do cake without OP being there!

thepariscrimefiles · 02/11/2024 12:36

saveforthat · 29/10/2024 14:28

It's not her birthday, her birthday is next week. I think it's fine and you are overthinking it. She can have two birthday s. What's not to like.

Show quote history

Because the first celebration excludes OP. It's obviously the first time OP's daughter is aware of her birthday and the lighting the candles, blowing them out and singing happy birthday is a big deal which OP will miss. It sounds as though she could attend, but hasn't been invited.

Candystore22 · 02/11/2024 14:38

Have you invited your in laws over to celebrate her birthday before /after you go on holiday? If not, then I totally get why they are doing this. They also want to celebrate her birthday with her.
Next time, arrange the party and cake and invite them!

RafaFan · 02/11/2024 16:02

The childminder my kids went to always did a little celebration with them in their birthdays. They and the other kids loved it. It's no big thing.

Spicastar · 03/11/2024 02:25

So when it's her actual birthday you'll be away on holiday and will only celebrate among your nuclear family? Then it's very logical your MIL wants to do this separate thing.

Solutions: ask MIL what time she's planning the cake and say you'll pop in for a half an hour because you also want to join. That's not conflict, that's normal communication.

Or, just let it slide: all kids in daycare get a birthday celebration without their parents there. It's part socialisation (to teach cultural customs and good manners), part play and fun.

Your child has the privilege of having this much loving family around and can get two celebrations. It's not a problem but a blessing.

Just don't let yourself be sidelined if you truly want to be there. However your MIL can't know that it you don't say something. You got this.

WearyAuldWumman · 03/11/2024 02:31

Wondergirl1111 · 29/10/2024 14:34

DD is three too, so very similar situations then!
Yes this is the other side of the coin - she gets two cakes, two songs! Two lots of special times. And yes, @redskydarknight - her birthday is next week when we will be on holiday with her. So we can do a cake etc then.

I guess I am worried she will think that is her actual birthday (you know what three year olds are like!) and will wonder why mummy and daddy aren't there - but I think I'm overthinking it aren't I?! x

Can you tell her beforehand?

I recall for one of my birthdays having my party and cake on a Saturday and my birthday on the Monday - but Mum had explained it all to me beforehand. (I was overjoyed when I got a second present on the Monday - Mum had told me I'd only get my present on the Saturday.)

Edingril · 03/11/2024 02:33

It's not her birthday, so they are good enough to look after her one day a week yet you think thry have the right to control them doing a celebration for her that is not on her birthday?

Sure there is other neurotic parents on here that would agree with you I just can't see the logic myself

Tourmalines · 03/11/2024 02:50

Massive overreaction.

WhingeInTheWillows · 03/11/2024 03:02

I’d be ok with it if it was just my MIL and nephew but the fact that other family have been invited changes it. It’s gone from a cake to what sounds like a party. I wouldn’t be happy with that.