AIBU to keep my baby with me when she’s unwell?

[MojitoNoIce69]

My MIL has come to stay for 10 weeks and spend time with our 6 month old.
She normally takes the baby to her room and I won’t see her all day.
This annoys me but I let it slide.
Baby unfortunately has developed scarlet fever and is pretty miserable.
I have a medical background so I’m monitoring her to see if she needs antibiotics.
I refused when MIL wanted to take baby to her room for a few hours.
I’m happy for baby to be held in the living room with me around.
MIL is angry and saying I’m unreasonable. Am I unreasonable to want to watch my only baby when she’s unwell?

This is such bizarre behaviour OP that I have to ask, are you safe with these people if you disagree with them?

Unless this was a forced arranged marriage I think we need to credit OP with entering into the relationship with her eyes open. She says "My husband’s culture demands this kind of respect."

I don't agree with it at all, but I never would have married into such a culture, nor had a child.

@MojitoNoIce69 has your mil come over from another country to visit?? what is your dh thinking about this taking your baby into her room for all that time every day??

WTAF there is no way in hell it's reasonable for MIL to take the baby away for hours, healthy or unhealthy. Is she playing at pretending to be momma again? Baby needs actual mum. Not grandma playing pretend. Grandma is nice to see but does not get to call the shots and if she can't respect you then she can fuck right off and it's perfectly ok for you to tell her so clearly and distinctly. You do not need her to like you.

She normally takes the baby to her room and I won’t see her all day.

Excuse me?!!

Of course you’re not unreasonable. No way would I allow anyone to take my baby off of me for several hours just to hang out in another room without me, whether baby was sick or not though. Out for a walk or to feed the ducks without me, sure but what your MIL does makes me feel very uneasy.

None of this is normal, OP. I'm also really surprised that you were told to delay the start of antibiotics for 2 days- are you sure you understood that correctly?

What on earth does she do with the baby all day?

My husband’s culture demands this kind of respect.

It's not respect though is it?

It's being forced to do as you are told.

I can see how it would generally be annoying to you if you feel you can't say no to her but, equally, you don't need to monitor her every minute of 24h to make a decision about antibiotics. So if this is the reason you are giving your MIL, I am not surprised she thinks you are unreasonable. Why not just say what you really feel?

Sorry OP this made my blood run cold. Please speak to your health visitor, midwife, whatever, someone. This isn't normal. I don't want to scare you but what if they're trying to set a precedent for you being an unfit mother and take your baby to their home country? Before you call me paranoid, it does happen.

It doesn't matter what your husband's culture "demands", you are living in England, you are your baby's mother and your baby wants and needs YOU. Your baby lived inside you for 9 months, they recognise and are comforted by your heart beat and your scent. You need to spend time with your baby and bond, not be isolated from each other.

You can tell your MIL that you hope she has enjoyed her 1-on-1 time with the baby but that's going to stop now. If she carries on trying to undermine you, tell her to leave. What kind of an abusive cunt would make a new mother feel like she isn't good enough? I don't like this at all and I hope you get some professional help.

Opened this thread assuming it was going to be about a workplace creche or a holiday villa room arrangement or a hairdresser wanting her baby at work.

That it's about you in your own home is mind boggling, honestly.

Yes I agree.
Op you can also flee to your own family home with your baby if this doesn't improve. Please call a dv charity that specializes in cultural awareness practice there are many and your health visitor can help you if you tell them what's going on

Scarlet fever is very serious without antibiotics - like pp I am concerned that you were given the wrong information or misunderstood. Was there some question mark over whether your baby actually has scarlet fever? That is the only reason I can think of for delaying the start of antibiotics.

I have just checked the NHS guidelines and they are still the same as the last time I looked - antibiotics started immediately as after 24 hours on them it means the patient is not infectious to others (as this is a MAJOR health risk, it is a notifiable disease), not to mention reducing the risk of very severe complications including death. Sorry to mention that but you do say you have a medical background so I’m sure you’re aware what the mortality rate was for scarlet fever before the invention of antibiotics.

when my dc had scarlet fever it was the most concerned I’ve ever been for their health - more than when they were admitted to hospital for various other injuries and illnesses. It was an outbreak at school and one girl was left with kidney failure. I cannot fathom my MIL being in charge of such a sick child so I’m glad you’ve got the support you need on Mumsnet.

All poorly babies need their mums.

Buy a sling, put baby in it as soon as you/her get up and dressed. You can keep the baby in it all day apart from nappy changes. Do it now and don’t stop until MIL backs off.

MIL will have to physically assault you and the baby to remove her from it.

It is surprising that you feel comfortable letting your MIL take your child every day and not seeing them when they’re in the same house. Do you feel ok with this? Have you struggled to bond with baby due to your PPD? Please speak to your health visitor or GP if so.
It goes without saying that as baby’s mother, when they are ill it is you that provides the love and comfort that baby needs and helps to build a bond between you both. Giving them comfort at these times is so important for baby to understand that you are the source of care and love. If you are breastfeeding at all, it’s really important to continue to do so when baby is poorly as their backwash spittle feeds information back to your body and in response, your body will create antibodies in your milk to help them get better.

I don’t think you need to over complicate things with your MIL. “He’s not well, he’s only 6 months old, he needs his mum.”

No, you're not being unreasonable, although it's a bit dramatic to say "my only baby" as if this wouldn't be a problem if you had twins.

Very odd that your MIL has to take her to her room rather than sitting in the living room or kitchen like a normal person.

Erm taking your baby to her room every day for 10 weeks is just plain weird, why did you ever let her do that??

Unless you are a danger to your baby I don't understand why someone is keeping your baby from you. I also don't understand why you are allowing this unless you feel threatened unsafe around these people. If either is the case their are people who can help you with these things.

@MojitoNoIce69 , there is a South Asian mumsnetters group on here, and a Muslim mumsnetters group too, listed at https://www.mumsnet.com/talk.

It's fine for people to be stunned by this women but it would be helpful for you to get support from other women living in marriages where the DH's parents are the head of a household, and respect of them is expected as standard. You shouldn't be being separated from your baby, or being belittled, but "tell your MIL to leave" type messages aren't recognising the dynamic your little 3-person family is part of. Some of the women on these groups may be better placed to advise.

Sorry @MojitoNoIce69 just read your later messages. Might be her culture but it’s YOUR baby - stand your ground and out a stop to that asap. Xx

You should feel able to say no to your MIL when she wants to take your baby to her own room for hours whether your child is ill or not. It's your house and your baby. You are a saint having her to stay for 10 weeks. Do not let her bully you.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

This is nonsense from your MiL and your husband if he expects you to hand over your baby like this. Absolutely bonkers.

Jesus Christ I wouldn't allow this even with a perfectly healthy baby!

What does her son think about this situation?

I hope he's going to back you up when you put your foot down and stop your own baby being taken away every day.

Sorry but I think YABU for allowing it in the first place, I never understand these posts.

10 weeks?! Whyyyy so long?
Especially if she's not being kind to you.
No way in the world would anyone be taking my baby away from me for most of the day.
You can definitely say no.

Sounds like something crazy has been going on for you to feel that you need to allow this. Glad you're feeling empowered now. Your baby needs YOU, they need time to bond with you.