Money in marriage

[superplumb]

I won't write war and peace but I'll summarise.
Husband walked away from an amazing job opportunity which doubled his salary back to his job working 6x a week for 1800 take home a month. The job he left was 60k plus and would've been life changing. He said it was too hard.
I'm on slightly more than 60k but I've worked bloody hard 3 lots of exams in work, applications sideways moves etc lots of stress.
When he started his new job he left me and kids. Said everything got too hard wasn't happy at home etc etc. He left that went back to his old job amd wanted to come back home. We are trying to work on things but I'm really struggling with the pain he caused. We do have children so im trying for them.

Now the money. I've decided that I instead of all my salary going into the joint account to reduce the amount going in to match his and to put the extra back I to my own savings account. I feel aggrieved that he's gone back to his comfy job while I have to work my arse off to top up the account. He moaned and said he'd have no money left and I'd have loads ( I wont)
I've spoken to friends and family and all have either the same or different views.
I feel a lot of resentment for lots of reasons. Thanks

It should be in proportion to your earnings rather than 50/50 I think - I would say this the other way round too. However it sounds like this is just part of bigger problem. Do you actually want to be with him? Him clearing off the moment he was earning more and then crawling back because "hard" would have finished the relationship for me.

He was training at that point so he'd have about 6 months until he earned 60k

You're either married or you aren't. If you are married the it makes zero difference whether money is in an account in your name or in joint names, it's still marital assets. If you divorce the money in "your" account is no more protected than money in a joint account.

That said, if you are happy to live the lifestyle that can be afforded on 2x1800pcm then your plan is fine. Divorce is very expensive and it's sensible to save up.

Staying with a man "for the kids" is rarely a good plan.

Divorce isn't the issue here. It's just I'd like to save up for things for myself using my money. His salary pays towards the house stuff but he doesn't have any left for his nights outs weekend away etc..so it comes from.the joint account. As time goes on I get bitter that it's actually my money he's using. He chose to walk away from a good job so I feel like saying..those are the consequences for him

Work out how much the joint account needs to cover bills, etc and put in the same percentage of each of your incomes to cover that. The rest you can each save or spend. We did that for years as it seemed fair, the higher earner pays more towards bills, but has more left as well.

All of his will cover the bills. He will have very little left.

I agree with you, I wouldn’t want to be subsidising his lifestyle when he walked away from a well paying job. That was his choice,
you’re entitled to make your own choice on what you do with your salary.

I won’t comment on your marriage, etc, just the money issue.
Honestly, I’ll leave a high paying job with lots of stress for one without stress even though it’s less paid and I’ll encourage DH to do the same too. It’s not worth it. I see this is where your resentment is but when it comes to paying for things and dividing bills, etc, in a proper relationship/marriage with love and mutual respect, I believe both of you should have equal spending money after bills are paid. One person should not be left with nothing whilst the other has fun money, savings, etc. that’s simply abusive

His decisions have impacted you as a family , it all sounds very selfish on his part , I'm doing this I'm doing that and you'll pick up the pieces / fall out .
Personally it is a worry none of his plans seemed to be discussed with you .
I'm not sure I'd want to carry on on that basis .

Some people really struggle with stress/change etc and it can make them feel physically ill. He might have secured the job but it doesn’t mean that he was good at it and would have been successful in it long term. It sounds like he struggles (you also mentioned that he left home because it was “too hard”). On the other hand I do understand your resentment especially if your job is stressful too. I wonder if there is a compromise which sees you put slightly more into the joint account because you earn more but also keep some back to put into your savings. You do need to cover yourself and have savings in case he decides to leave again.

Nah. He doesn't get to call the shots and expect you to subsidise him.

I'd reconsider the whole relationship.

He only stuck the training for a month so I told him he hadnt given it enough time

I’m with you on this one it would irritate me too. Consequences have actions. Be mindful that this could be the beginning of the end of your marriage and whilst legally it’s potentially joint money I don’t blame you for ring fencing what you earn to spend as you choose after all essentials are paid. If you don’t look after you, then no one else will. You may soften in time of course and change your mind and you may use what you’ve saved to benefit both of you and indeed you may not and he may realise if he wants to have money to do as he pleases he’s going to have to earn it. Did he discuss any of this with you beforehand and did he know how strongly you felt? From what you have said it doesn’t feel like a joint decision and if not he’s made some broad and incorrect assumptions

It's not going to work especially as you've said you're trying for the sake of the kids. He will use this as leverage to make you stay.

Fair enough he has no ambition or drive, that alone would be a massive turn off for me but it sounds like he wants to coast along in his little mundane job whilst you make huge efforts to better yourself and try to improve your earnings for the benefit of you all.

He's never going to pull his weight financially so you have to decide if you want this albatross around your neck or not.

I'd have to disagree. I don't think it's abusive wanting to keep my hard earn cash when he chose to walk away from a well paid job

No he left the job when he had left me.

I wouldn’t subsidise a man in those circumstances. Been there, done that and never again. My philosophy is when you work to earn your money you’re entitled to spend or save as you see fit as long as the essentials are covered and that is whatever it is for the individual to decide. We’re all different but this feels somewhat like taking you for granted and that it’s ok for you to pick up the slack which in my view isn’t equal

Do you not have the MN ick? I certainly would!

If one person is working really hard, and the other is not pulling their weight (whether at work or as a sahp) then I think it’s completely reasonable to put a similar amount each in the joint pot, otherwise you are subsidising and rewarding their selfish lazy behaviour. I think though this just reflects all the other marital issues you have!

I don’t think you understand what is meant by proportional bills. It will mean you both have money left over, e.g. you both pay 30% of your salary to joint account to cover bills, your 30% will be bigger than his 30% but you’d still both have 70% left for your own fun money.

Or you split bills and share whatever it left.

What you are proposing is financial abuse, it’s not YOUR money its family money.

He's made his bed, he lies in it. Had he given up or reduced his hours for child care reasons, that would be different. Doing it because it's too hard and he wants an easy life, he needs to accept the consequences or address why he struggled and try again. What an arse.

How you divide finances is up to you and your husband, but what works in my relationship is that we put all our income into a joint account for joint spending on the house, kids, etc. But also, from that, we get an amount each for spending on ourselves - the same amount each. My husband currently earns more than me but there have been times it's been the other way around. Having equal amounts of personal spending money has helped stave off any resentments.
A related question is whether you feel he's not doing his duty here by not sticking with the harder job. Maybe he's not as tough as you. Maybe he's not as capable as you. If that's the case, you might have to decide if you can live with that.

I couldn't respect a man like this.

I hope he's doing lots of childcare and housework and things are balanced in that respect if your job is much more demanding etc.

On MN, generally -

(1) man earns more = it's all family money. He should subsidise you

(2) woman earns more = you shouldn't have to subsidise him. He's a cocklodger

@superplumb sounds to me like the new job with high earning potential was too stressful for him and caused him MH problems.

And instead of supporting him, you're now having a go at him for it and punishing him.

There's working a stressful job, and there's working to the point your MH can't cope to the point you walk out on your family. It's nice that you cope with your stressful job, but clearly he can't.

You come across as controlling. Expecting him to work a job that he clearly cannot manage from a MH point of view. That's not nice.

Your salaries should be split in proportion. so that you both have roughly equal amounts left over after bills and essential costs.

My DH is struggling at work at the moment (bullying culture). It makes him tired, snappy and withdrawn. If he needs to step down to a lower paid job elsewhere for a while then so be it, but his MH comes first.