Money in marriage

[superplumb]

I won't write war and peace but I'll summarise.
Husband walked away from an amazing job opportunity which doubled his salary back to his job working 6x a week for 1800 take home a month. The job he left was 60k plus and would've been life changing. He said it was too hard.
I'm on slightly more than 60k but I've worked bloody hard 3 lots of exams in work, applications sideways moves etc lots of stress.
When he started his new job he left me and kids. Said everything got too hard wasn't happy at home etc etc. He left that went back to his old job amd wanted to come back home. We are trying to work on things but I'm really struggling with the pain he caused. We do have children so im trying for them.

Now the money. I've decided that I instead of all my salary going into the joint account to reduce the amount going in to match his and to put the extra back I to my own savings account. I feel aggrieved that he's gone back to his comfy job while I have to work my arse off to top up the account. He moaned and said he'd have no money left and I'd have loads ( I wont)
I've spoken to friends and family and all have either the same or different views.
I feel a lot of resentment for lots of reasons. Thanks

Interestingly when a higher earning man posts saying he does “his fair share” he’s always challenged and it’s assumed he’s wrong. A woman claiming she does it all… must be right

I'm sorry OP but I don't know how you can trust a man who just leaves you when he thinks he will make more money then decides to come back when he realises he's not up to it. He said he didn't love you and wanted out. I wouldn't be able to get past that. And for you to do 90% of everything at home while having a stressful job is just not fair. If you don't love him anymore just get a divorce.

Not much mention of what he will contribute to the household if not earning as much - he should be doing more for the household imo. It’s not really about the money - it’s about being one unit and everyone contributing. I don’t think you are happy with who he fundamentally is - which is fine - and therefore I don’t think you should stay in the marriage. It seems to me he is not driven enough for you; and you don’t really ‘need’ him as a partner - so he just feels like a burden for you. That’s not a good basis for a marriage or happy partnership. Xx

This thread has honestly been such an eye opener for me. I'm kind of the OP's DH in my marriage. I work 31 hrs a week to my husband's 37 hrs a week, and currently bring home 40% of our joint income. He has just got a new job which is hugely better paid, and will mean my contribution to our joint income will only be 30%. We have never shared our "fun" money - we pay into a joint account proportional to our earnings, and retain the leftovers separately. It's always been a huge bone of contention for me, especially as I do approx 80% of the household work.

My husband's new job would see him have approx £1.5k of "fun" money a month, and me £500. I have so far felt this will be horrifically unfair - we work as hard as each other, albeit in different ways, to create this life together and I think we should have an equal quality of life out of it. The last time we spoke about it, we argued and he called me a gold digger, said I wasn't indispensable or supporting him to do the new job, and if I wasn't around he'd just do all the household stuff and get childcare to cover the stuff I currently do, and if i want more money to spend on myself i should just go full time in a better paid job.

After reading this thread I can see my thoughts about his position are well off base. I guess I have been expecting him to support me to do a lower paid job but still reap the rewards of a higher paid one, because I've felt that all labour, whether paid or unpaid, counts equally in a marriage. I feel like my previous viewpoint has been turned over a bit. In all other threads I've read on sharing money in marriage the mood has definitely been that a marriage is an equal partnership and that you should both have an equal quality of life out of it. But this thread has been so different and it's made me question myself.

If you resent him this much, I can't see how you can possibly make your marriage work, nor how it can be a good environment for the kids you're supposedly doing it for.

We can only comment based on what the OP has told us. Mumsnet posts only have 'one side of the story'. However, a higher earning man who also does the majority of the work at home is definitely a rarity on Mumsnet, so I am inclined to believe the OP. You obviously don't.

Thanks all. I like the proportional idea. I don't want him to have nothing. I plan to draw up lists at home with things i want him to do to help more.

OP, when you talk to him don't call it helping. Call it fairly contributing to the house and parenting.

I wouldn't take him back, I don't think. But if you do then it's definitely a good time to make changes.

Our joint account is only for house and child things, and we contribute proportionally. I earn less, so I have less left over. That was different when I was part time at home with the small children (DP essentially slightly topped up my personal money), but that's not the situation if he is doing less childcare as well.

Agree 100%

I'm with you on this one. Keep a proportion of your money for yourself.

Funny how he wanted to come back to you when his job didn't work out .
When he thought he was on 60k+ he didn't want you .
I would be so pissed if l were you . I would not give him a penny if your hard earned money . Let him suck on that one.

this is the case on this particular thread because op is a woman imo! There are many many threads where women like yourself have no money for fun or even essentials and the thread tone is entirely different… I suppose here the DHs behaviour is also a catalyst because he left than came back!!

I would be concerned that he left when he thought he had greater warning potential and came back because he realized he couldn’t manage on his old salary alone. I wouldn’t want to be used for my money when I have worked hard to earn it and I don’t blame you for putting the same amount in. The situation you are in sounds like it is going to breed resentment no matter what you do.

So he left for all of a month? He found it hard? Let me guess did he discover he had to cook, clean, wash his clothes? I would worry he's not coming back just for your salary but for the home comforts too. I could not get past this behaviour. The marriage is doomed just divorce now before you get any older. With the kids at home you will probably do ok in a divorce. Leave it and he'll be after the equity in your house and half your pension. I honestly don't know how you didn't just laugh in his face when he wanted to come home.

There are two significant differences.

1 - you so majority of housework
2 - you haven't left him with kids because you though you can have better paid job and then come back because it was easier to use his money than work hard (somehow it looks like in OP story)

It sounds bad but I think what you are actually saying is that at present neither of you have any separate spending money and he spends more of the joint money (of which he doesn't earn the majority) on himself. You could try the contributing proportionally to the joint account thing, i.e 75% of wages each which seems a little fairer. How would you feel if he suddenly was earning more and wanted to continue your system? I have this a little the other way round. My DP started earning more and wanted to keep more of his wages for himself (was like this for a couple of years) and now I earn more I am the one with more personal money and am mainly investing it for the future as have less pension/assets than him (not married though so I would get to keep it off we split up) and I guess he might complain if he realised how much extra I actually have each month but I figure he was OK with it when it benefited him so its fine. I always had an ok amount of personal spending money left though.

There's a woman I follow on Instagram who does an amazing job of explaining the division of tasks in the home, the mental load etc. She has loads of resources to help couple with amazing the household tasks in their homes.

@shesapaigeturner

I think marriage is meant to be a partnership, in all ways. But yours doesn't sound like a partnership at all. So money should be shared, and I feel for him because he tried out the more stressful job that he obviously couldn't cope with which he probably feels embarrassed about. I think it's a bit unfair that you resent him for that, but I can definitely see why it's hurt you a lot that he left you and it might not be something you can really get past. And it sounds like if he is spending more on himself, that's not equal, and he's not helping you at home or with the children in an equal way either. Sounds like he benefits from the relationship, but maybe you don't?

Personally I would explore reducing my hours by 1 day a week to lower my stress and have the pay off of more time to myself which could mitigate my resentment in this situation. If you can afford that and also have equal fun money with left over from your salary for savings for the family might that work ?

That's his choice.
Why should you subsidise his decision?
What if you suddenly decided fuck it- I can't be bothered...where would that leave the family?

@OldWiseDuck but despite those differences people on this thread are still saying that a huge difference in "fun" money between the two people is ok. So which is it? Not ok or ok? There is a comment up thread that suggested a split of fun money like I'm facing was an ok option for the higher earner to push for.