Money in marriage

[superplumb]

I won't write war and peace but I'll summarise.
Husband walked away from an amazing job opportunity which doubled his salary back to his job working 6x a week for 1800 take home a month. The job he left was 60k plus and would've been life changing. He said it was too hard.
I'm on slightly more than 60k but I've worked bloody hard 3 lots of exams in work, applications sideways moves etc lots of stress.
When he started his new job he left me and kids. Said everything got too hard wasn't happy at home etc etc. He left that went back to his old job amd wanted to come back home. We are trying to work on things but I'm really struggling with the pain he caused. We do have children so im trying for them.

Now the money. I've decided that I instead of all my salary going into the joint account to reduce the amount going in to match his and to put the extra back I to my own savings account. I feel aggrieved that he's gone back to his comfy job while I have to work my arse off to top up the account. He moaned and said he'd have no money left and I'd have loads ( I wont)
I've spoken to friends and family and all have either the same or different views.
I feel a lot of resentment for lots of reasons. Thanks

It wouldn't be as bad if he picked up the slack at home. Play dates for kids parties to organise dr appoitnemnts, hair appointments..medication for my son. Both are autistic and I've had to sort out the diagnosis ( and pay for it) try to get youngest an echp, appeal the LA decision, argue with the school etc etc. Its never ending. I do all this plus my stressful job

He only did it for a month. Hadn't even finished the training.

Agree about health v wealth. But my issue is he is happy and doesn't mind me being stressed while managing everything else. What would he do if I said fuck it it's too hard I'll leave this amd do a less stressful job amd half my salary. We would have nothing left at the end of the month...but I can't do that..we have children. Sometimes you just have to step up

He said so many times he didn't feel the same anymore, he loves me as rhe mother to his children didn't want to tey counselling because it won't change how he feels..seems like he did want to leave

Agreed.

I think he’s getting off lightly!

He left you and the kids.

He now wants to be back, I think he’s got a lot of time he’ll need to prove to you that he’s the kind of man you’d actually still want to be with. And maybe accepting that you don’t currently want to subsidise his nights out from a joint account is part of that!

How he handles all this for the next year or so would be the benchmarks I’d be using to assess whether this marriage can be saved at all to be honest. No, it’s not punishing him - it’s far bigger than that. Who is he? Does he even understand the level to which he fucked you over here? Does he have any sense of responsibility, respect, natural consequences? All of these things.

Until he wanted to run home with his tail between his legs, go back to his easy job and still have cash to play with?

I wouldn’t be forgetting what he said.

This.
Very unattractive.

Seems like most posters on here see my issue. My friends and family agree with me but they saw the state I was in when he left so maybe that'd why.
Thanks to those who replied.

You are with him 25yrs, you know him! Trust your gut on this. You deserve better. Doesn’t sound like he’s around much for the kids anyway.

This. He ended your 25 year relationship. This is now a new relationship. Perfectly reasonable in a new relationship not to share all funds. Also worth thinking if this new relationship is worth it - he seems to be weaker than you on the childcare front and the financial front - is he worth the bother?

I would think carefully. I get entirely that not everyone likes pressure, but many high paying jobs come with a degree of it. He has also left once because he found family life to stressful. If you tick on for another 10-20 years where you work hard and he does not and he then decides to opt out of family life again, then the assumption in the UK would be 50/50 on divorce. So he takes half your savings and more importantly half your pension which could leave you in poverty at retirement. I have seen this happen in practice.

I'd be pissed off that his 'missing' me coincided with him deciding he'd jack his job in and come back home where his wife paid for (most) things. And that he'd go back to his preferred job.

I think I'd be done, OP - simply because I couldn't forget that he had been adamant he didn't love me/want me anymore when he thought he could move out and keep his £60k salary. When he decided he couldn't face the stress of the job he suddenly 'loved' me again and came home?

Just, no. Has he even accepted the damage that has caused? Or is he just back and life is supposed to revert to what it was?

I'd be keeping my money and looking at divorce.

Of course it doesn't have to go into one pot.

It's very nice you work in this field, as you clearly seem to value money over your DH's mental health.

It's not like he is slacking - he is working SIX days a week!!!

You come across as controlling and money obsessed.

People and MH should always come before money.

You're both in the wrong - you for prioritising money over his MH and him for quitting the job without discussing it with you. It sounds like you don't communicate well or like each other very much tbh. I think this marriage is dead but if you want to make a go of it then you need to sit down and discuss finances like adults.

This too.

it would be a lot safer to divorce now regardless…

It doesn't matter what other people think or say, but any arrangement simply needs to be something that works for you and your husband, OP. Just talk to him, and stop discussing it with everyone else.

If the children are autistic, possibly he is as well? Unless there is a history of autism in OP's family. If DH is autistic, that may have contributed to his lack of ability to make a success of the new job.
But even if he is not autistic, you have to accept that he is not the high-flying type and is not able to earn as much as you without suffering.

You DON'T have to accept him not doing his fair share around the house, including childcare and mental load. Have a conversation about this and look at other threads on MN for suggestions.

There are three main ways to split finances in a marriage:

1. Everything in joint accounts. I don't recommend this for OP
2. Both put a % of earnings into joint account for bills and joint spending
3. Both put the same amount into joint account for bills and joint spending, regardless of what each earns

You need to discuss with him whether you are going for option 2 or 3, and perhaps combine this with a discussion of housework.

As you earn more, it is only fair for you to spend more on treats for the family or the relationship, e.g. holidays, Xmas gifts, meals out, etc., from your personal money.

A variation of option 1 is that each partner then takes the same £ from the joint account into personal accounts for personal spends.

But OP just said "after I have paid all the bills". It is not financial abuse to pay your partner's share bills. 🤔

I can't see that OP is not contributing fairly, nor is OP controlling her DH access to his earnings. She is just not letting him have access to hers.
Especially since he is not a SAHD with childcare responsibilities.

Wow
so it’s now ok to force someone to pay half when you earn far more, meaning they have nothing left over while you keep and save “your” money.

I think it's all a moot point. Because if you feel how you appear to feel, full of resentment for him and dislike your husband so much that you want him punished and left without any money, then your marriage is dead in the water anyway. So just accept it, get a divorce and a fair legal split of money and assets and move on with your life without him.

Not what I said.
OP claimed to pay all the bills at present - she is not forcing him to pay anything.

If they agreed a % each that would be fine. Or an agreement to pay the same £ would also be fine - it is for the couple to agree.
If he failed to pay, then refusing to pay his agreed share for him and letting the joint account go into overdraft might be foolish, but it wouldn't be abusive.

However, if he was a SAHD with no childcare so no ability to work, then it would be abusive to withhold money, but he is not a SAHD.

Note I also suggested that the OP should pay for 'extras' like holidays and meals.
But it simply is not abusive for one partner to have more money and more savings, when both are equally able to work. There is no requirement in marriage to hand over everything you earn to a joint account. There is no requirement to make everything shared (until the point of divorce is reached, when different rules apply).