Money in marriage

[superplumb]

I won't write war and peace but I'll summarise.
Husband walked away from an amazing job opportunity which doubled his salary back to his job working 6x a week for 1800 take home a month. The job he left was 60k plus and would've been life changing. He said it was too hard.
I'm on slightly more than 60k but I've worked bloody hard 3 lots of exams in work, applications sideways moves etc lots of stress.
When he started his new job he left me and kids. Said everything got too hard wasn't happy at home etc etc. He left that went back to his old job amd wanted to come back home. We are trying to work on things but I'm really struggling with the pain he caused. We do have children so im trying for them.

Now the money. I've decided that I instead of all my salary going into the joint account to reduce the amount going in to match his and to put the extra back I to my own savings account. I feel aggrieved that he's gone back to his comfy job while I have to work my arse off to top up the account. He moaned and said he'd have no money left and I'd have loads ( I wont)
I've spoken to friends and family and all have either the same or different views.
I feel a lot of resentment for lots of reasons. Thanks

The issue, as far as I can see, isn’t really the money but the fact you’re not a team.

If he was supporting you practically and you him financially they’d be some balance. But he’s withdrawn his financial support and practical support. So I can see why you don’t want to give him the financial support he wants.

Whilst he’s not pulling his weight emotionally, practically and financially I don’t blame you for covering your own arse.

Your enetitled to your opinion.i don't believe its abuse.. not do half the responses on here it would seem

I'd be all for paying a proportional amount to the joint account usually, but I think it's unfair of him to have turned down a stressful job when he expects you to work a stressful job and just get on with it. It's unfair. I'd be divorcing asap tbh, and saving my own money that I earn for my own benefit.

I don't agree with that. Usually in most cases the woman works less so picks up the slack at-home. I earn more and pick up the slack at home.

If he earned more, we’d all be saying he should make sure you have enough to go out as well. So that’s my stance.

BUT yabvu. Jobs are not worth affecting your MH. DH has taken a pay cut, had a fucking NIGHTMARE of a year tbh and I’m on mat leave so we’ve been up shit creek. But my DH is much much happier now, all money is ours it doesn’t matter who has what. What matters is we’re both okay, we can manage and my wages will be better next year and we can start to enjoy going out again. I am very money minded. But I will never take more money over running DH into the ground in something he hates.

My job is more complicated, I will earn more. I don’t judge him because I can do it and he can’t!

Hubby 'earns' 20% of what I earn (pensions), all money goes in one pot.

It’s not a case of opinion, it’s the law on financial abuse😂

I work in the law. It isn't at all.
I'm.not stopping him from taking his money.. I'm just not letting him spend my left over after I have paid all the bills. There is a big difference.

Nope. You’re married, it’s not YOUR money, or HIS money, it’s both of your money. Financial abuse involves controlling access to cash, assets and finances. Not contributing fairly to household bills can be and is a form of financial abuse.

I don't have fixed earnings as I get potentially sizeable bonuses which are voluntary and vary from year to year. What we pay into joint account is roughly scales by earnings. I put a slightly higher percentage of my earnings in but we both have a good amount of our wages for savings. If I get a good bonus I'm on a similar wage to my partner I pay a proportion of that into the joint account so that the annual amount we both pay is the same.

We used take home pay to calculate what is fair to pay into the joint account. All of our living costs - essentials and luxuries, holidays, car repairs and running costs, house renovation and so on come from the joint account. Our own accounts are used for savings, presents for our own family members and the other partner and personal clothing/spending. For us this is a good balance of having life covered but financial independence too and ensuring things feel fair.

I think it's worth a conversation with your partner about sharing finances

Not of its mine it isn't...lots of marriages have separate bank accounts and eqxh put in to pay bills. Nowhere does ot say it should all go into one pot...
He I'd liable for the bills his name is on...what if anything he had left is up to him. I work in this field so I know all to well. Won't try to make you see this anymore. Up to you what you believe.

How would he feel if you took an easier job to match his income?
There’s 2 ways of looking at it. You took a more difficult job, couldn’t cope and it took its toll on the relationship. He decided it wasn’t worth it so dropped the job and tried to fix his family.
The more cynical side of me says he didn’t need you when he was earning more but then decided he could have just as much money and less stress if he dropped the job and went back to you. That he’s using you.
Do you think he would get a better paid job if he was on his own again?

The point is it doesn’t have to go into one pot to all be everyone’s money. You clearly don’t know “all too well” as if you did you’d know that once married it is all shared and “ours” legally.

Yes it is

youre either together and you both pay your way (in proportion would be my preferred way) or you don’t be together.

punishing him for splitting up by withholding money is abusive

I think it depends on his reasons for leaving the well-paid job - how was it impacting him? If it really was stressing him out and making him unhappy then I don't think it's fair to effectively punish him by making him absolutely skint. It sounds like it all became pretty overwhelming for him if he even left home because of it all.

If he just couldn't be bothered and you know that's the case then I can see where your frustration is coming from, but I still think - in the interests of your marriage, assuming you want to continue it - to do as someone suggested above and split the bill proportionally. Then he'd still have money left and so would you, and you wouldn't be putting your whole salary in to the joint for him to use. He'd still be living on what he earned alone.

OP I agree, my DH earns more and is away from the home more. I facilitate that by working less and being home more. It’s give and take.

Actually @superplumb whereas generally I might say pay in proportion, this time I’m with you. He doesn’t just get to bugger off and throw it all away because ‘it’s hard’ and then come back and you subsidise it? No. You are allowed to look after yourself until he’s shown he’s committed. This isn’t the same as a blip where you willingly pick up the slack for a while.

Respectfully, it sounds like the new job really took its toll on his mental health and the way he dealt with that was to shut down. It sounds like he didn't actually desire to walk away from the family, but perhaps felt overwhelmed. He went back to his old job because he realised the new one wasn't for him. He came back because he felt regulated again.

I believe health is far greater than wealth. This job may pay less, but it means he is happier. IMO, that is more important.

I would find this situation very galling. Only training for a month then giving up sounds quite defeatist. I don’t think he gave it long enough. I don’t think he should benefit from your hard work whilst having an easier life. I would find it hard to respect him. Him leaving you is an additional indication that he’s taking the piss. I bet you do more than your share of life admin too. I think your solution is fair in the circumstances.

Everyone has different levels of tolerance and resilience. I work a high pressure job, it does cause some stress but I manage. I know my DH couldn't manage the level of stress I do, I've seen colleagues burn out in my role and never judge anyone for not being able to manage what I can.
If you feel resentment that your DH can't manage a role on the same salary as you and would happily see him go without as a 'consequence' you shouldn't be married.
Imagine one of your female friends/relatives was your DH in the situation. What would you think of their husband having that attitude towards them?

Does it have to be all or nothing? I'd sit down with him and acknowledge the 60k job wasn't for him but that he needs to be bringing more into the household - either through getting a job that pays more that 1800 a month, or by taking up some of the household jobs that you are having to fit around your tougher job.

Maybe I’ve missed the nuance here. However could it be simply that he tried to do a job that was on a similar wage to the OP and decided it wasn’t worth it? Not everyone wants a 60K job and the sacrifices that come with it. Did he try to do that because of the fact that the money isn’t divided equally in the relationship?

Oops see I’ve repeated a post made earlier- apologies

It did cross my mind too and I asked him outright as when he left he was so adamant it was over.. didn't feel the same etc. Now he's back he said he realised what he had lost. We've been together 25 years and I just don't know what to believe anymore.
When we first moved in together way before we were married he earned more I had student loans and we had separate accounts. I was working 2 jobs and got made redundant from my main one. He said well how will you pay your half. Luckily I managed to increase my hours on my 2nd until I found a better job but that always stuck with me. When I've mentioned this to me he says he didn't mean to sound harsh and he was just worried. At no point did he say lets pool resources. If I had a crystal ball I probably wouldn't have got married tbh but we are where we are.

He tried it because a mutual friend did it and said it was a great job. 4 days a week for.more than double salary. He works y days a week now and is hardly ever home. So the stresses of home and kids also falls on me now too.