Gig with another woman

[sunflowershines]

I've been seeing my partner for about 6 months. He's organised to go to a gig with a female friend staying overnight in a hotel, in separate rooms.
It is just the two of them going and I feel uncomfortable about it. I've told him my concerns and he's been clear with me that they are just good friends and that I should be mature and respectful to their friendship.
AIIBU to feel uncomfortable? He treats me perfectly in every other way and has never given me any cause for worry. We are in a committed relationship so I just feel like going away with another woman is inappropriate.

YABU. You can’t dictate his friendships. Presumably he’s known this woman a lot longer than he’s known you?

YABU. They are friends and are staying in separate rooms. What's the issue?
Your partner is allowed to socialise with other women and he is right, you should be a bit more mature about it.

I'm with you. I wouldn't like it at all and would feel like he was going on a date with her.

People are allowed to have friends. He is going to a gig, not suggesting a threesom.

If someone tried to come between me and my friends they would be ejected quickly.

I don't personally think its an issue but I have socialised in mixed friendship groups my whole life.

Ultimately you do have a problem with it and only 6 months in you can decide if its a deal breaker for you. What you cant do is tell him who he can and can't be friends with.

Have you met his friend?

Personally I wouldn’t like it. This is the sort of thing I would have put up with in the past and then regretted years later.

YABU
I have male friends I'd go to a gig with like this.
It just sometimes happens that way if it's a band you don't know many people who like. For instance one of my favourite musicians only one of my friends likes, and that friend is male. So yes I've been to gigs just us. I have no interest in him romantically and vice versa. I'm married and I know his girlfriend who is lovely. We just both happen to be fans of this musician.

I have a mate that I share a couple of Very Important Hobbies with. Our respective partners would rather cut their own heads off than share our Very Important Hobbies.

Friend and I have shared a dorm room and shared a tent whilst doing our V.I. Hobby. Not once in the dozen years that we've been friends have our genitals touched. Not even when we've been getting changed in the middle of a field.

Why?

A. We are both married and we don't cheat.
B. We don't fancy each other.

Any future partner of 6m telling me that I couldn't do my Hobby with my mate would be told where to go.

I've been going clubbing with my married friend for 30 years. He got married 12 years ago, I got married 20 years ago and separated a couple of years ago.
Sometimes it's just the two of us.
We have zero sexual interest in each other. There has never been a flicker of anything. It's just like going out with my brother (which I often do too).
I'm nearly certain his wife doesn't like it (I get a vibe) but she is very lovely and also wise enough to say nothing. I would imagine she knows her dislike of the situation is irrational. She can't help feeling it, but she can stop herself being ridiculous and controlling about it.

I wouldn't be happy about it either. But then DH and I don't have friendships like that so it'd be a massive alarm for me.

I (single woman) have two friends (male, married) that I go to gigs with, either separately or both of them together. Their wives (both friends of mine) are always invited but never come because it's not their thing. I'd be sad and horrified if they objected to their husbands going with me. Never once have I considered either of them as a romantic prospect - it's just that we like doing this and our other friends/their partners don't.

I understand that this may be uncomfortable for you but unless you have any reason to doubt his intentions I'd encourage you to not make this difficult for him. People can and do have healthy and non-romantic friendships with people of the opposite sex. And I speak from experience when I say that if someone wants to have an affair, they will - putting your foot down about this won't make any difference to the outcome in that regard, it will only create resentment.

If you have no reason to doubt him, then don't. This is not a reason to doubt him and if my ex had objected to this when we were together that would have been a huge red flag for me.

@PumpkinPeople , I totally agree , I wouldn’t be happy with it .

If this is a problem for you then dump him.

You can't decide that you want the parts of a relationship that benefit you, but control him out of the bits you don't like, like friendships and socialising.

I certainly wouldn't be putting up with being told what to do in a relationship.

I've been seeing my partner for about 6 months.

He isn't your partner, that's a committed relationship stage. You are 'seeing' this man, which makes this whole dilemma you have much easier. Just end it. Not because I think he has done or is doing anything wrong, but you are already not ok with it so there isn't really a resolution that doesn't involve him having to either change or constantly reassure you.

@yarnbarn , I think it’s fine to say someone you have been seeing for six months is a partner .

Why on earth is this a problem? My best friend is the opposite sex to me and I regularly go visit her for a weekend, and stay at her house.

DP doesn't bat an eyelid because she trusts me and has done for the past 17 years.

If you don't trust your partner, why are you with him?

Six months? He's probably had the concert tickets longer than he's had you. Is he supposed to let his friend down? Not go himself?
Apart from 'not liking it', what do you see as the actual solution here?

I wouldn’t like that either OP.

People have different boundaries and feel difficult it. But for me it would be a ‘ I don’t think we’re a good match’ type of conversation

If you want to police language go ahead, however my comment was about the commitment of a partnership, compared with what OP has with this guy. It's not the same.

Yes they are. My DW’s best mate is a bloke- they go to boring gigs and whatnot without me. I’m invited but I don’t go because I’m not interested.

There is no more between them than there is me and my best mate (who I regularly go drinking with and then share a hotel bed with!).

In nearly 20 years of friendship nothing has ever happened.

😂😂

The idea that men and women can't be platonic friends without shagging each other is outdated, sexist bullshit.

If you, OP, can't deal with your partner having a female friend then end the relationship. You don't get to dictate who someone is friends with, especially in the context of such a new relationship.

I’m sure there are lots of people who can do this. For me though, I always refuse overnights with my platonic gig-going friend as I can see issues might arise (both single). I know of someone who goes away to gigs every few weeks with OW.