Gig with another woman

[sunflowershines]

I've been seeing my partner for about 6 months. He's organised to go to a gig with a female friend staying overnight in a hotel, in separate rooms.
It is just the two of them going and I feel uncomfortable about it. I've told him my concerns and he's been clear with me that they are just good friends and that I should be mature and respectful to their friendship.
AIIBU to feel uncomfortable? He treats me perfectly in every other way and has never given me any cause for worry. We are in a committed relationship so I just feel like going away with another woman is inappropriate.

This is just an argument against doing anything with a friend tho? Going to the pub “I’d rather go to the pub with DH than with a friend tbh”. Going to dinner - “I’d rather go to dinner with DH than a friend …”. That’s fine if you don’t ever want to see your friends (& have your friendships suffer as a result) but some people do actually like having friends. It’s even considered normal, outside of certain mumsnet threads.

Maybe YOU don’t - but I guess he always thought he would…

Who’s he? My best mate is a woman.

"Just a little bit of life experience will tell you that"

Could you be more patronising?

I'm 58. How much life experience do I need in order to know that I won't shag my mate?

How old are you and could you quantify the amount of life experience needed to sound quite so smug?

I mean… I’m going skiing for a week with a man who isn’t my partner. I’m also planning a trip away with a female friend. I’m bi, so according to some here either of those could turn into a sex fest. My partner is also bi and goes on holiday sometimes with his gay male best friend. So far, we’ve all managed to refrain from shagging each other.

People who think men and women shouldn’t be anything more than casual acquaintances within a group are best off dating other people who feel the same because there’s no way of seeing eye to eye on this. Any partner who told me I was “too close” with a male (or female) friend and asked that I only interacted with them in ways they deemed acceptable would swiftly be dumped.

This! My goodness. It's so silly. If it worked like that I'd have no friends!

I've also seen DH physically remove another woman from his person (watched through a window), when she tried to kiss him. Not an old friend either, because none of them would do that! They were disgusted when they heard about it and cut her right out of their circles.

If DH had told me I couldn't be friends with my long-standing friends, I'd not have been happy. His long standing female friend is his ex...who introduced us because she knew we'd fancy each other!

A truly weird argument.

I don’t go to some gigs with DH because I don’t like the music. Should I pay quite a lot of money to attend an event to be bored rigid for two hours?

I’ve also attended events with someone who has just tagged along and it’s a massive drag on the person who wants to be there - you spend all your time wondering if they’re having a good time.

Why on earth are you putting platonic in quotation marks?!
You have warped thinking if you think people can’t have platonic friends. You must have a jealous mind!
I’ve had friends for 30 years - not had a relationship last near that long yet. Friendships are golden and I’m sorry you don’t get to experience this key part of life because you sexualise everything.

Shirley Glass talks about not creating the opportunity for unplanned infidelity. So I would say that going to a gig is fine, but getting jacked up on booze and going to his room to chat after the gig is inviting a "it just happened" incident.

verilymag.com/2017/06/can-men-and-women-be-friends-not-just-friends-dr-shirley-glass-boundaries-in-marriage

I have said absolutely people can have platonic relationships.

When the friendship is exclusively held 121 with other friends and partners never included, I think it's unlikely that it is actually platonic, even if nothing has happened yet.

My tennis partner’s wife is very welcome to come and stand on the court with us but she hasn’t taken us up on the offer yet probably because she’s out dancing with (shock horror) other men as her hobby is dancing🙄.

You keep changing the bar, your original post was the issue with ‘very close friends’ and those you ‘organise overnight trips with’ both of which I do.

I’m genuinely sorry this is your view on the world. My life is so much richer from having a range of close friends to share different activities with.

100%

These threads also seem to attract deeply insecure controlling women who clearly wouldn't be able to trust themselves around opposite sex friends without sleeping with them and just project that onto their partner, we can both play the nonsensical generalisation game

‘It just happened’ isn’t a thing- you either cheat or you don’t.

I am gay, my best friend is gay.We go to a different city, get tanked and sleep in the same bed- we have never kissed never mind accidentally shagged- because we are ONLY FRIENDS.

I'm bi and one of my oldest female friends is gay. We're both married (me to a man, her to a woman). We had dinner out last night, just her and me. I guess that was a date?? (She paid for me and everything.)

I'm having lunch with a male friend tomorrow. Just the two of us. I guess that's also a date. Man, I get around.

I can't imagine why any of our spouses would typically get involved in these situations. Our friendships aren't transitive. I happen to like my friend's wife very much, but she's not my friend, she's my friend's wife, and DH isn't her friend, he's her friend's husband.

I do both, gigs with DH but there's loads of gigs and music he's not into that I am and vice versa. Rather than watching his face pretending to like my music I take friends who enjoy the music too. Sometimes they are male!
I've been to quite a few festivals without DH because he hates them. Even shared a tent with my male friend. Absolutely no interest in each other!

I am a bisexual woman going away with my very special female friend on a three-week-long holiday. Should I cancel in case I am tempted to shag her?

Yes.

Hmmm
I wonder if you felt the same if when you were married your hubby was going out with a model who had the same interests

My brother's best friend is a girl, best friends for years (primary school) and if my brother or his friend, had a partner do what your considering, they would drop them instantly. They are nothing other than friends and their friendship is always made clear at the start of any relationship. I would tread carefully if I was you, if the partner your talking about was my brother you would be gone before you finished the conversation 🤣

Do you really think he'll cheat with her? If he was going to do that then he probably already has done. And you should chuck him.
But he's got a right to have friends. If you trust him then I don't see the issue really. Surely if he wanted to date her he would be doing so now as opposed to you?

They’re friends. You can’t dictate who he is friends with, and would you respect a man that would choose his GF of six months over a long standing friend? Because I sure as hell wouldn’t.

also if he’s going to cheat he’ll do it anyway. He doesn’t need a night away at a gig to do it.
If you think he’d capable of doing that to you then why are you with him?

one of my partners best friends is a woman. He went away for a full weekend to Berlin with just her about a year into our relationship, dinners out, drinking in the hotel together etc. but I trusted him.
10 years later and she is one of my best friends and was bridesmaid at our wedding. I’m so glad that I didnt let my insecurities (of which there were many) get in the way.

YABU they obviously booked it way before you even met him. what was he meant to do just not book anything to go anywhere incase he met a partner? Nor should he have to cancel. Im sure next time you will go together and it won’t be an issue but he did have a life before he met you

What a load of bollox! You mean I can't be friends with someone I've known since childhood just because they're male? And even though we've never felt remotely attracted to each other in 40+ years and that we're both married our friendship will fuck up our marriages?