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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let me nephew see me naked?

109 replies

Whoknowsnotmeshrug · 28/10/2024 21:58

Sounds goady, didn’t know how else to word it.

im a 40 year old lady. No children of my own.

I have a 3.5 year old nephew. I have a good relationship with him, see him regularly and have him overnight/ take him swimming and for weekends away.

When do you need to start worrying about little kids seeing you naked?! As I say I’ve been taking him swimming since before he could walk so I’ve just taken him in the shower with me/ washed myself and him (in a private shower cubicle!) and not even thought about it. When he stays over I wear pyjamas as he’s often in my bed (he had his own bed but prefers mine- that’s what he does at home too!!) but just quickly get changed in the morning so I guess he sees a flash of my bits and pieces.. I have recently started to leave him in a pretty safe room whilst I use the toilet but he’d much sooner come and chat with me whilst I’m on the loo..

He’s started talking about bodies and making observations about mine. I wasn’t really bothered but now I’m thinking he’s going to be 4 before I know it and maybe I need to be more modest!!

So:
YABU- you should always be covered when you have a 3.5 year old over that isn’t your child
YANBU- it’s fine. He’s a little kid and family

The last option: (can’t vote!) it’s fine if he happens to see something quickly but try to be covered where possible with towels/ ask him to not look.. I think I’m going down this route but would like advise!

what are others take on this?!

OP posts:
ChocolateGanache · 29/10/2024 07:20

yeaitsmeagain · 28/10/2024 22:59

This is really weird and creepy. Why don't you just shower in your swimming clothes like normal people do after swimming? Why is he sharing your bed like Michael Jackson? Why is he watching you pee and why are you dressing and undressing in front of him?

I'm slightly younger than you and don't have kids either, and the thought of doing any one of those things turns my stomach. In fact writing the above questions made me feel sick.

Maybe these things are normal if it's your kids. But those things when it's not and you don't have any kids? Honestly scary.

You sound weird and creepy!

Whyherewego · 29/10/2024 07:21

Ginkypig · 29/10/2024 00:23

I think the main element here is that he is on the cusp in terms of age.

you are his sole caregiver in the situations you are describing so parent or not until he is safe to be alone in these situations he can’t be alone or unsupervised.

once he is safe to be for example left to watch the tv for ten minutes while you jump in the shower you will close the door because you know you can
or once he is old enough to stand alone outside the toilet cubicle while you pee that’s what you will do.

these thing will naturally shift when you feel confident that it’s safe for them to.

the very fact you are raising the question shows you are considering what is appropriate and when so that tells me you will do what is right when it is right.

This nails it. You sound absolutely lovely OP and he's lucky to have you in his life

WitchyBits · 29/10/2024 07:23

We have a very very relaxed attitude towards nudity within my extended family. All of my sisters/daughters and our kids would happily get changed in a room together. Every child is male in my family, after a generation of girls so it Is up to the boys to say they prefer a cubicle when they feel it's age appropriate ( eldest nephew is 12, has used a cubicle for 2 years, 9 yo dn doesn't care, neither does 5yo dn or any of my grand sons age 1-3). Obviously we wear pjs to bed and don't do naked cartwheels etc and we have kind of just silently agreed this approach as we all feel the same. If I was in the bath my sisters would come and talk to me and vice versa. It's just not a big deal for us and the onus is on the child to decide they are ready to get changed alone/dont want to see giant white boobs everywhere. It's not for the women to cover up to suit the kid , especially not in a place that's meant to be used for changing.

Forwhatitsworth18 · 29/10/2024 07:23

Strawberryyy · 29/10/2024 05:56

Your dad saw you naked as a teenager? I could understand your mum occasionally, but your dad?

Show quote history

Dh & I have never been naked in front of our children & never would be,at least past their baby stage.The mere idea makes me cringe.

Tangerinenets · 29/10/2024 07:26

rokaaroundthechristmastree · 29/10/2024 07:12

@Tangerinenets yes! I guess I didn't know any different? Was home educated, no peer group and no access to the internet at home either.
I would say he almost encouraged it, so whilst I class him as an abuser in all other areas, I don't say sexual abuse although I think this does sort of fall into that category.

I agree it does definitely. I never gave being naked much thought around my children. Just gradually as they got older they wanted privacy and by 11/12 I’ve definitely not seen them naked or shared a bathroom or anything with them .

Smittenkitchen · 29/10/2024 07:32

Sorry if already been mentioned but I wouldn't tell him not to look. I think that makes it more awkward, more likely that he would look and suggests there's something shameful about bodies. He's still very little so you've got a while yet.

BetterWithPockets · 29/10/2024 07:34

topaz27 · 28/10/2024 23:57

I'm in two minds here. I do think it's odd and unnecessary to be naked around a child who isn't your own (and I'm also a childless aunt). However, I also think some of the things you've done - looking after him for the weekend on your own, washing your nephew, taking him swimming - are more parent-y type things than aunt-y type things.

In the context of you being a third parent, it feels a lot less weird. In which case, I'd apply parent rules, which is you stop being naked when the child becomes aware/uncomfortable.

This.

Haveyouanyjam · 29/10/2024 08:16

yeaitsmeagain · 28/10/2024 22:59

This is really weird and creepy. Why don't you just shower in your swimming clothes like normal people do after swimming? Why is he sharing your bed like Michael Jackson? Why is he watching you pee and why are you dressing and undressing in front of him?

I'm slightly younger than you and don't have kids either, and the thought of doing any one of those things turns my stomach. In fact writing the above questions made me feel sick.

Maybe these things are normal if it's your kids. But those things when it's not and you don't have any kids? Honestly scary.

He’s not some random child she’s picked up off the street, he’s her nephew and she has been looking after him alone. My 3 yo stays in the room with my mum when she showers if no one else is up, much safer than letting her roam about by herself! Obviously when she’s older that won’t happen but nudity isn’t sexual to a child. Nor is bed sharing with a close family member who has been entrusted to look after them.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/10/2024 08:17

I would ask his parents for their thoughts as it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

Haveyouanyjam · 29/10/2024 08:24

Definitely ask your sibling but I agree that you should just begin to try and be a bit more private without making a big deal. If he asks you can begin to explain why in a child friendly manner (ask your sibling). DSS 9 has never seen me naked and has lived with us since he was 6. Hooded towels and long flannel type shirts are great for swimming as you can put them on and get changed underneath without flashing. As he gets older you will be able to leave him alone and soon he will be learning why you are closing the door on him when you go to the toilet as it will be normal everywhere else too!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 29/10/2024 08:26

Of course not! I would never let my almost 4 year old nephew see me naked FGS! Hmm

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/10/2024 08:26

Talk to your sibling? They must be aware that you go swimming etc. Ask them what they'd prefer?

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/10/2024 08:32

yeaitsmeagain · 28/10/2024 22:59

This is really weird and creepy. Why don't you just shower in your swimming clothes like normal people do after swimming? Why is he sharing your bed like Michael Jackson? Why is he watching you pee and why are you dressing and undressing in front of him?

I'm slightly younger than you and don't have kids either, and the thought of doing any one of those things turns my stomach. In fact writing the above questions made me feel sick.

Maybe these things are normal if it's your kids. But those things when it's not and you don't have any kids? Honestly scary.

Just talk to anyone who has had children. You can't always get changed in some magic move without them seeing. They follow you to the loo and while you're in the loo you need to keep an eye on them and so on.

Original poster
Whoknowsnotmeshrug · 29/10/2024 08:58

Sharptonguedwoman · 29/10/2024 08:26

Talk to your sibling? They must be aware that you go swimming etc. Ask them what they'd prefer?

Read the thread.

As I’ve already said, I have discussed with parents.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 29/10/2024 08:58

Whoknowsnotmeshrug · 29/10/2024 08:58

Read the thread.

As I’ve already said, I have discussed with parents.

Show quote history

Sorry. Missed that bit.

5128gap · 29/10/2024 09:03

Personally when they're old enough to notice and certainly when they're old enough to comment. I dont think bodies are anything to be ashamed of, and im not suggesting there is impropriety, just that I personally wouldn't want my nephew to be commenting on my body or asking me questions. That's for parents. What does your sister think?

rokaaroundthechristmastree · 29/10/2024 09:06

@Forwhatitsworth18 how on earth did you get around swimming changing etc and just generally being in the house rushing about?!!

CautiousLurker1 · 29/10/2024 09:16

Not sure why you’d need to be naked in front of anyone, really? If my kids catch me changing (ie in underwear) I just cover up/continue dressing so that no stigma is communicated about my body but I wouldn’t continue undressing or stand there chatting naked. We’re a shy family though.

Certainly wouldn’t get naked in front of any other family member or my nephew. That would be weird!

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 10:05

Avoid where possible , start talking about privacy alongside his parents and don't make a big deal when unavoidable (like swimming) or going to the toilet in a public place.

As he grows, he'll naturally start becoming more private himself and award the same curtesy to you. At the moment he's still little so the dynamics are different, especially since you have him over on your own for long periods of time, rather than a few hours.

Forwhatitsworth18 · 29/10/2024 11:03

You can't teach children certain parts of their bodies are private to them at the same time as adults cavorting around naked in the home in front of them or encouraging their children to do the same The body is nothing to be ashamed about but surely discretion is key in helping children to deal with & avoid situations where they feel this scenario is OK with strangers too. I always managed to change myself & the children discretely in swimming pool changing areas as did my DH. I can't see the difficulty here.

Beezknees · 29/10/2024 11:15

I have a DS and I stopped when he started to show signs of wanting his own privacy when naked.

CrowleyKitten · 31/10/2024 00:26

I'd ask the parents. he's young enough that it probably doesn't make him uncomfortable, unless they are very over the top about that sort of thing. and he's very much still at the sort of age that will randomly shed clothes.

I come from a different perspective than a lot of people, because when I was growing up, we used to go to naturist campsites a lot, so nudity is just not really a big deal to me at all. so I saw a lot of different relatives naked a LOT, and it really was completely harmless and innocent.

I don't think it's harmful to see an auntie or uncle showering or getting changed, but you should at least check with the parents that they are comfortable about it.

the child probably couldn't care less one way or the other

CrowleyKitten · 31/10/2024 02:09

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/10/2024 04:07

Surprised at so many thinking it's fine.
Hmmm... how about uncle babysitting 3.5 year old niece. Is it still ok? It's fine, just family, right? 🤔

yes, it's still fine. my cousin used to come with us to one of the campsites sometimes, so she saw her by relationship uncle naked, as well as a lot of people we didn't know.
nudity isn't dirty or inherently sexual. it's just people without clothes.

CrowleyKitten · 31/10/2024 02:22

Strawberryyy · 29/10/2024 05:56

Your dad saw you naked as a teenager? I could understand your mum occasionally, but your dad?

Show quote history

mine did.
I hate
d my dad, but I didn't cut off contact with him until I was about 14, but while we were in contact I never thought ANYTHING of him seeing me naked, or me seeing him naked. because I'm his daughter, and was a child, and he WASN'T sexually attracted to me, or me to him. because that would have been creepy and sick.
I didn't like him because he was racist, sexist, homophobic etc. but he wasn't attracted to little girls, especially not his own daughter.

CrowleyKitten · 31/10/2024 02:28

Forwhatitsworth18 · 29/10/2024 11:03

You can't teach children certain parts of their bodies are private to them at the same time as adults cavorting around naked in the home in front of them or encouraging their children to do the same The body is nothing to be ashamed about but surely discretion is key in helping children to deal with & avoid situations where they feel this scenario is OK with strangers too. I always managed to change myself & the children discretely in swimming pool changing areas as did my DH. I can't see the difficulty here.

Edited

you absolutely can. my family were into naturism as I was growing up, but I was NEVER in any doubt that nobody could touch me if I didn't want them to, and that there's certain ways adults should not behave towards children.
naked is naked. it's nothing, really.
sexual is different.
unwanted touch is something to be broadcast far and wide and not accepted.