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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband has just said he hates a part of me

118 replies

Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 18:43

I feel totally blindsided. Like literally like finding out he has been having an affair. (I know how this feels too as previous husband has done this).
My marriage is by no means perfect we have our fair share of ups and downs esp being both our second marriages and having children in these earlier marriages.
We have had a rocky start and now nearing 5 year anniversary. I thought we were making progress even spoke about this being the strongest year literally 2 weeks ago in bed.. I know I can be a difficult person to be with (so I've been told) I've had quite a traumatic childhood and first marriage and naturally I'm reserved and hesitant - my hubs a calls me angry and my first response to everything is anger. I don't disagree I am dealing with how to regulate my emotions and do have emotional outbursts (I think the anger is just deep rooted hurt that has been forced to take over due to being let down and abandonment issues). He has told me previously I disrespect him in my behaviours (how I talk to him speak to him look at him?!) I have taken that on board and am actively working on that to the effect I feel we haven't had any arguments or such incidents as he describes as disrespectful as I am eager not to have that said about me.
He equally has issues with alcohol and communication mainly and this has been on occasions been the almost last straw.
I have for personal reasons told him if he drinks alcohol again we are done. This was in September. I do not like his communication method which he shuts down and ignores me when he's upset as this is what happened this weekend and I have no idea literally clueless why - as we had a nice morning and he was the one who wanted to spend it with me, when I asked what's wrong he flipped saying I can't give him space and I should be able to read in between the lines etc. completely thrown but carried on weekend wondering what happened.
today he told me he hates the angry part of me and can't deal with it. That there's no other woman and he deserves better.
I normally can sense the vibes when things are off but I am literally blindsided by this. Feel like he has hidden behind my agreed flaws to end the marriage as he knows if he drinks it's done so wants to avoid taking responsibility in the ending of this. By blaming me I feel totally devastated as I know I'm shitty at times and can be loud and talk a lot but I feel like this is total passing the buck as NOTHING makes sense in what he said as we have in recent weeks been planning for future, he has made massive purchases for us, we have talked about reviewing our vows. If he hated me surely he would've contested it in those instances?
I feel like I've been deceived and this was his plan all along to bide time to blame the ending of the marriage on me not on his drinking problem.

OP posts:
Gonegirl7 · 28/10/2024 20:11

I can see lots of your point of view - he sounds difficult and stubborn and a drinking problem is so so hard to deal with as a partner.

Ive read a few relationship books as I’ve struggled too. I don’t have much wisdom but I did really start to understand the only thing you can control is you, not their behaviour.

So not from a place of blame but your anger…how does it come out? What sort of things are you doing or saying? Is there anything you could do differently? Anger course or breathing techniques or cold shower or take a walk?? Avoid triggers and politely let him know your triggers

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2024 20:36

What are you doing or saying when you get angry? I understand that it's hurtful the way he's worded it as hating a part of you, but perhaps thinking of it as he really doesn't like a certain behavior or attitude rather than you as a person, depending how you are responding to him when you are getting angry

Blairsnitchproject · 28/10/2024 20:44

Honesty who doesn’t dislike a part of their partner. I think there are aspects of everyone that are difficult and especially if a person has had to deal with significant trauma. It is just something that you try to integrate and manage in a person as in relationships. Self awareness and trying to manage difficult emotions, reactions and aspects of ourselves is normal. We all have flaws, we are humans.

VivianLea · 28/10/2024 21:00

This isn't helpful, but my DH's anger has made me hate him. I hate the "angry part" of him, and after many many years of being shouted at sworn at when he's angry I no longer love him. So I think that it is possible for something like this to eat away at a person until they snap. But equally, it sounds like he also is a difficult partner to get along with, if you've had to ban drinking that's very extreme. Do you want to be with him still? Why?

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:10

Sounds to me like he’s a tad controlling.

Are you sure it’s not your relationship that makes you angry?

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:11

Gonegirl7 · 28/10/2024 20:11

I can see lots of your point of view - he sounds difficult and stubborn and a drinking problem is so so hard to deal with as a partner.

Ive read a few relationship books as I’ve struggled too. I don’t have much wisdom but I did really start to understand the only thing you can control is you, not their behaviour.

So not from a place of blame but your anger…how does it come out? What sort of things are you doing or saying? Is there anything you could do differently? Anger course or breathing techniques or cold shower or take a walk?? Avoid triggers and politely let him know your triggers

I just get really snappy and can get really loud and I'm not the most affectionate (my least liked love language is touch) whereas his is touch and he wants it all the time and if I don't do it im a rubbish wife because I'm not loving enough and I should be. He has many flaws too except he does not accept them and think I'm being mean when I tell him some home truths when we get heated. He has this view he's a lovely guy and other than his ex who worshipped him I don't understand why he would think that. He is hard work and is battling issues with alcohol.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:12

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:10

Sounds to me like he’s a tad controlling.

Are you sure it’s not your relationship that makes you angry?

Yes part of me knows that it's resentment being with someone who makes you feel alone but I also do think I have anger issues. I get angry really quickly and as mentioned before I am loud and can shout when I get emotionally stung

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/10/2024 21:13

I couldn't be with someone whose default is anger. I might try to deal with it when they're working on it, say taking anger management classes. But if that doesn't resolve things fully and within a reasonable period of time, I'd need to leave. Their good intentions aren't enough if a partners' reaction makes you constantly on fight or flight mode.

Clearly you both have issues, and despite any efforts you've both made, it's still not working for at least one of you.

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:14

Eenameenadeeka · 28/10/2024 20:36

What are you doing or saying when you get angry? I understand that it's hurtful the way he's worded it as hating a part of you, but perhaps thinking of it as he really doesn't like a certain behavior or attitude rather than you as a person, depending how you are responding to him when you are getting angry

I get loud and angry I don't say anything personal just sort of let me do it myself - but if we argue then it does escalate. Truth be told I don't actually know what I do to hurt him as he doesn't communicate.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/10/2024 21:15

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:10

Sounds to me like he’s a tad controlling.

Are you sure it’s not your relationship that makes you angry?

You could just as easily ask if it's OP's anger that drives him to drink.

We simply don't know.

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:16

saraclara · 28/10/2024 21:13

I couldn't be with someone whose default is anger. I might try to deal with it when they're working on it, say taking anger management classes. But if that doesn't resolve things fully and within a reasonable period of time, I'd need to leave. Their good intentions aren't enough if a partners' reaction makes you constantly on fight or flight mode.

Clearly you both have issues, and despite any efforts you've both made, it's still not working for at least one of you.

I agree but I don't feel like my anger consumes our relationship. I do feel like the fact I agree I have anger issues is the default setting for anything we disagree over and anything I raise he's always just saying you got anger issues and starts antagonising me rather than actually listening to what he did that triggered me or started the argument. As in he always wins any argument by using my anger card even if it wasn't present the mention of it just makes it escalate - gas lighting to some extent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:16

saraclara · 28/10/2024 21:15

You could just as easily ask if it's OP's anger that drives him to drink.

We simply don't know.

Show quote history

No no he's been drinking since 16 way before I came along. Drink is one of the reasons we argue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:17

Blairsnitchproject · 28/10/2024 20:44

Honesty who doesn’t dislike a part of their partner. I think there are aspects of everyone that are difficult and especially if a person has had to deal with significant trauma. It is just something that you try to integrate and manage in a person as in relationships. Self awareness and trying to manage difficult emotions, reactions and aspects of ourselves is normal. We all have flaws, we are humans.

Thankyou for this. I agree I think our shit parts canx out each others but for some reason my anger always seems to be the default focus no matter the cause

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:19

VivianLea · 28/10/2024 21:00

This isn't helpful, but my DH's anger has made me hate him. I hate the "angry part" of him, and after many many years of being shouted at sworn at when he's angry I no longer love him. So I think that it is possible for something like this to eat away at a person until they snap. But equally, it sounds like he also is a difficult partner to get along with, if you've had to ban drinking that's very extreme. Do you want to be with him still? Why?

I can assure you in anger he's more vicious than I am. I dnt get personal until I'm pushed. My family relationships, looks are always picked on so i return the favour. Then he gets angry saying I've crossed a line and will cross several more. Once he hit me, the other time he made me walk home 1.5 miles because he refused to drive until I apologised or took something back.

OP posts:
RamonaRamirez · 28/10/2024 21:26

I think relationships should not really be such hard work

do you both even like eachother?

If not, does it make sense to continue as a couple? Are you possibly fundamentally incompatible?

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:30

RamonaRamirez · 28/10/2024 21:26

I think relationships should not really be such hard work

do you both even like eachother?

If not, does it make sense to continue as a couple? Are you possibly fundamentally incompatible?

I do like him. And as mentioned in my OP I'm blindsided by what he said.

i dnt even know what to do at this point than wait and see what he does as im getting the silent treatment

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:30

saraclara · 28/10/2024 21:15

You could just as easily ask if it's OP's anger that drives him to drink.

We simply don't know.

Show quote history

Yes but we know he’s a man and that marriage for women is more likely than not to be crappy for the woman in a patriarchal society

I'd put money on him being an abusive entitled bully

Cozylozy · 28/10/2024 21:31

It sounds like you are not harmonious at all as a couple, it is exhausting just to read how you both interact together, factor in his drinking and it’s a ticking bomb

craftysnake · 28/10/2024 21:31

TLDR

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:31

craftysnake · 28/10/2024 21:31

TLDR

What does this mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:32

Cozylozy · 28/10/2024 21:31

It sounds like you are not harmonious at all as a couple, it is exhausting just to read how you both interact together, factor in his drinking and it’s a ticking bomb

it's exhausting being in this relationship when I have so many running thoughts so many unanswered questions because he refuses to talk to me and then my anxiety kicks in and he calls me crazy mad and angry.

OP posts:
TinyGingerCat · 28/10/2024 21:34

He hit you, but the thing you are concerned about is that he doesn't like your anger? It all sounds terrible - if he's violent you need to leave.

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:34

Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:32

it's exhausting being in this relationship when I have so many running thoughts so many unanswered questions because he refuses to talk to me and then my anxiety kicks in and he calls me crazy mad and angry.

Show quote history

You realise you are in an abusive relationship don’t you?

Anger is a justifiable response to abuse.

Original poster
Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:35

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:34

You realise you are in an abusive relationship don’t you?

Anger is a justifiable response to abuse.

Show quote history

I dnt know - he tells me im
abusive because im loud and i get angry and i shout.

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:37

Haha that’s what they all say!

Read - Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft