My husband has just said he hates a part of me

[Unknown1111]

I feel totally blindsided. Like literally like finding out he has been having an affair. (I know how this feels too as previous husband has done this).
My marriage is by no means perfect we have our fair share of ups and downs esp being both our second marriages and having children in these earlier marriages.
We have had a rocky start and now nearing 5 year anniversary. I thought we were making progress even spoke about this being the strongest year literally 2 weeks ago in bed.. I know I can be a difficult person to be with (so I've been told) I've had quite a traumatic childhood and first marriage and naturally I'm reserved and hesitant - my hubs a calls me angry and my first response to everything is anger. I don't disagree I am dealing with how to regulate my emotions and do have emotional outbursts (I think the anger is just deep rooted hurt that has been forced to take over due to being let down and abandonment issues). He has told me previously I disrespect him in my behaviours (how I talk to him speak to him look at him?!) I have taken that on board and am actively working on that to the effect I feel we haven't had any arguments or such incidents as he describes as disrespectful as I am eager not to have that said about me.
He equally has issues with alcohol and communication mainly and this has been on occasions been the almost last straw.
I have for personal reasons told him if he drinks alcohol again we are done. This was in September. I do not like his communication method which he shuts down and ignores me when he's upset as this is what happened this weekend and I have no idea literally clueless why - as we had a nice morning and he was the one who wanted to spend it with me, when I asked what's wrong he flipped saying I can't give him space and I should be able to read in between the lines etc. completely thrown but carried on weekend wondering what happened.
today he told me he hates the angry part of me and can't deal with it. That there's no other woman and he deserves better.
I normally can sense the vibes when things are off but I am literally blindsided by this. Feel like he has hidden behind my agreed flaws to end the marriage as he knows if he drinks it's done so wants to avoid taking responsibility in the ending of this. By blaming me I feel totally devastated as I know I'm shitty at times and can be loud and talk a lot but I feel like this is total passing the buck as NOTHING makes sense in what he said as we have in recent weeks been planning for future, he has made massive purchases for us, we have talked about reviewing our vows. If he hated me surely he would've contested it in those instances?
I feel like I've been deceived and this was his plan all along to bide time to blame the ending of the marriage on me not on his drinking problem.

To be honest it just sounds like an unhealthy dynamic all around. It doesn’t seem like you bring out the best in each other, rather the worst in each other.

Personally I don’t like angry people. I’d hate disagreements with a partner to end in angry /walking on eggshells discussions. It’s obviously nicer for both you and for your partner, if you didn’t feel anger as often and could discuss things in a level headed way. It might be that he pushes your buttons and triggers you but another man doesn’t bring that side of you out

Equally I couldn’t stand being with a drunk either. That could be really damaging. I think both character traits are just wildcards ultimately and not a good combination in a marriage

I'm scared to have another failed marriage. My first husband said I was crazy and that's why he cheated to get away from me.
current husband says I'm angry and just not what he wants and he wants someone who can give him what he wants.
2 men telling me I'm angry and not loving enough. Bothered men have flourished since meeting me and leaving better than then met me .

Sounds like you both have bits of each other you hate, you hate how he communicates when drinking, he hates how you communicate when angry, both see, to be frequent events for both of you. No one is more to blame, it’s not a game of he’s worse than me, you can both agree to work on your issues, or you can threaten and issue ultimatums like you are.

you don’t even seem phased he maybe wants to end the marriage, more you don’t want to take the blame for it. And when it gets to that level you’re noth done.

I am so tired of the same cycle happening every so often but the blame always gets pushed onto me. Everything is perfect in him life except me .

Oh OP don't let this hold you back!

You're already in a failed marriage. Divorce isn't the failure, the abuse on behalf of your husband is the failure. Leave, and enjoy your life.

Also google reactive abuse. It’s a thing.
It’s also entirely normal to blame yourself.
You need space away from him to understand what’s going on.

I'm just processing everyone's responses. I know I have issues. I am angry hurt and distrustful at times. But I am not what he says I am. I think he tells me that so I accept blame and in turn his faults get hidden and he doesn't carry any guilt in the situation we have. He thinks he deserves better .

I've begged him to do this but he always says he can't afford it and won't go to his parents... I dnt have any options with the kids.

You need to speak to Women’s aid.

Abusive men never take accountability. They shift the blame and are so good at it you will believe them.

Please read that book it will open your eyes.

Seems like this is all I attract. Hate myself sometimes for being so desperate that I settle for shit I would tell my loved ones to leave for

To cut to the chase, you sound massively incompatible and could both benefit from counselling

Tried this. Was working because I was being validated and then he cut the sessions shift saying he's not paying for them and I need individual counselling as my 'counsellor' friend is just taking me side

Counselling won’t work with an abusive man. Your only option is to leave. He cannot and will not change.

Womens aid are well versed in emotional abuse and will help you.

Life is too short.

It's hasn't even been 5 years. It shouldn't be this hard.

You're not suited to each other. This relationship isn't healthy.

I’m afraid I’d be serving him divorce papers if he told me that.

It sounds like you are totally incompatible as you are both bringing your trauma/MH problems into the relationship.

I can’t understand how you even decided to get married if this is your best year!

You need some individual therapy to address the root cause of your anger and touch setts and your self-worth.

Don’t hang onto this sorry excuse of a man because you do t want another divorce.

When you're apart from him for any length of time, how is your anger?

Also I'm concerned about his language around you being "disrespectful". Abusive men are triggered by apparent lack of respect such as setting boundaries, speaking the truth, saying no to their demands etc
.
Respect is earned, what does he do to earn your respect?

Stop being so worried about “another failed marriage” and start being more worried about the children being brought up in this dysfunctional household.

It already has failed.
This cannot be salvaged.

You would be better off out of this marriage.

I meant to add, don't be too hard on yourself or quick to take the blame when he obviously has issues that predate your relationship.

You realise you’re blaming OP for her husband’s alcoholism?

No I'm not. I'm saying that one can't assume that her partner has caused her anger any more than it can be assumed that she caused his alcohol. We don't know that either, both, or none is the case. So it's stupid for anyone here to say that it is.

I’ve found it amazing how my anger has eased since I split from my (abusive, alcoholic) XH! I have some issues - unstable attachment as a child, undiagnosed neurodivergence until adulthood. Now that I have removed myself from him I have had the freedom to start working on that and I’m much calmer and happier.
I had a glass shattering/lightbulb moment when he said something awful to me about me..I thought initially ‘How could he think such a thing?’ but suddenly a voice in my head said ‘Wait that’s not true! That’s a lie you tell yourself to justify your behaviour towards me!’. I suddenly saw him for what he really was and found my strength. I did get out and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel glad we split.
I agree with pp. Talk to women’s aid. There are eeus out of this but you need support. You’re clearly vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. He’s choosing to treat you like this. But you have the ability to break free. Nothing lonelier than being in an awful relationship.

What I'm hearing is that he's a violent alcoholic who pesters you for sex and berates you for "disrespecting" him.

Honestly, I'm not surprised you're angry. Who wouldn't be?

Stop turning your anger on yourself and use it to get you and your kids out of there.

He has hit you. Kicked you out of the car. Verbally abused you. Coerces you into sex. Blames you for everything.

Of course you're angry. He's a cunt.

You need to end the relationship and get away from him.