My husband has just said he hates a part of me

[Unknown1111]

I feel totally blindsided. Like literally like finding out he has been having an affair. (I know how this feels too as previous husband has done this).
My marriage is by no means perfect we have our fair share of ups and downs esp being both our second marriages and having children in these earlier marriages.
We have had a rocky start and now nearing 5 year anniversary. I thought we were making progress even spoke about this being the strongest year literally 2 weeks ago in bed.. I know I can be a difficult person to be with (so I've been told) I've had quite a traumatic childhood and first marriage and naturally I'm reserved and hesitant - my hubs a calls me angry and my first response to everything is anger. I don't disagree I am dealing with how to regulate my emotions and do have emotional outbursts (I think the anger is just deep rooted hurt that has been forced to take over due to being let down and abandonment issues). He has told me previously I disrespect him in my behaviours (how I talk to him speak to him look at him?!) I have taken that on board and am actively working on that to the effect I feel we haven't had any arguments or such incidents as he describes as disrespectful as I am eager not to have that said about me.
He equally has issues with alcohol and communication mainly and this has been on occasions been the almost last straw.
I have for personal reasons told him if he drinks alcohol again we are done. This was in September. I do not like his communication method which he shuts down and ignores me when he's upset as this is what happened this weekend and I have no idea literally clueless why - as we had a nice morning and he was the one who wanted to spend it with me, when I asked what's wrong he flipped saying I can't give him space and I should be able to read in between the lines etc. completely thrown but carried on weekend wondering what happened.
today he told me he hates the angry part of me and can't deal with it. That there's no other woman and he deserves better.
I normally can sense the vibes when things are off but I am literally blindsided by this. Feel like he has hidden behind my agreed flaws to end the marriage as he knows if he drinks it's done so wants to avoid taking responsibility in the ending of this. By blaming me I feel totally devastated as I know I'm shitty at times and can be loud and talk a lot but I feel like this is total passing the buck as NOTHING makes sense in what he said as we have in recent weeks been planning for future, he has made massive purchases for us, we have talked about reviewing our vows. If he hated me surely he would've contested it in those instances?
I feel like I've been deceived and this was his plan all along to bide time to blame the ending of the marriage on me not on his drinking problem.

I know I am hard work I've been told so many times by him. My mum is a narcissist and does not have anything to do with me as I can't stand her - he often uses this as a reminder how unlovable I am. In fact my ex did the same. Logically I feel like it's me as so many key people have told me I am an angry person. The problem is it's almost always a reaction to being disrespected in some form. Or silent treatment triggers me as it's a form of abuse my parents used to punish us.
i know I am messed up through the core. On a completely different note my husband always tells me I'll end up in heaven as I'm a good person to the core. Just angry.

So you hzte his drinking he hates your anger yet you choose to be together at the expense of your kids sounds like a match made in heaven

You need to be alone for now and give your time to recovering from your past (and current) traumas.

This relationship is dead in the water. He’s abusive and there’s no way back from that.

If you don’t heal, this pattern will keep repeating.

Thankyou for your response.
for what it's worth I didn't know he had drink issues until after and well my anger issues - I know I'm reactive but I wouldn't say I have anger issues. He thinks that.

@Unknown1111 let him go

There is most likely more to this story than you know. But I do feel he is gas lighting you.

He sounds very similar to my ex, he would do really shitty things then when I’d respond he’d blame my response.

The loving behaviour and future plans shows he quite happy at pulling the rug from under you and the ‘read through the lines’ is BS. You are not physic and he wants you to play the guessing game at what ever you have supposed to have done. - that’s abusive.

I also wouldn't hold much weight of the opinion of two arsehole men.

Sounds like you were brought up in an emotionally abusive home, and likely don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. (What you are in, is not healthy).

Remove the narrative of 'it must be me with the problem'.

You may have just swapped abusive parents, to abusive partners.

100% Womans Aid, and their Freedom Program.

Every single update from OP felt like it had a new red flag.

He has alcohol issues and doesn't communicate. He made you stop seeing your counsellor. He gives you the silent treatment. He HIT YOU. This entire relationship is a toxic nightmare. Ending it wouldn't be a failure, staying in it would be.

Well he would do as it stops you from reacting to what he has done.

Yes, definitely the freedom program. The cycle has to be broken now. The kids are growing up thinking this is what a normal relationship should look like. They will no doubt already be very damaged from this but give them at least a few happy and healthy years where they are the focus, not some man.

This, OP, this.

Please don't worry about what he thinks. You could be an absolute angel in every respect and he would still blame you if your marriage ended.

It is not necessarily possible to change the narrative running through some one else's mind. I expect there are many lovely women who never lose their tempers yet who are labelled the crazy ex by a man who perhaps doesn't want to pay child support and has spun himself a conscience silencing story.

He hit you and here we all are discussing whether or not you have anger issues. I think even if it is very hard the marriage needs to end.

Maybe once you are out and calm you can self reflect. Do you fly off the handle and shout at the kids? Bad drivers? If so you can try to work on it. But please don't take his opinion into account.

It also doesn't matter why the marriage ends or who's fault it was. All you need to ask yourself is is this marriage good for you.

Echoing pp who’ve said this relationship is abusive. I would suggest being single for a long time because until you can live contentedly with yourself, you won’t see or you’ll choose to ignore red flags and your instincts. Speaking from experience!!

This is even more true if you had an emotionally abusive childhood. You probably have developmental trauma and/or CPTSD. Your husband telling you that the counsellor was your mate taking your side is evidence that his behaviour isn’t reasonable, by the way! My ex was also shocked that our counsellor took my part. But stopping you from accessing a counsellor for yourself is another abusive behaviour.

Please get your documents and your children’s documents in a safe place and make arrangements to leave. You can get good advice for free from www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

You are not crazy. You are being gaslit (you know the origin of the phrase?) and that will make anyone feel destabilised. I was a shell of myself when I finally left my gaslighting ex. I’m glad that you have your anger because at least you can express it- I have only recently found mine because it’s been pretending to be guilt, sadness, depression, etc. now I go boxing and I get it out!!

Good luck OP.

You have anger issues. You're loud and shout. You don't have control of your anger.

He's abusive too.

You're saying you have no option because of the kids, imo you owe it to your kids to leave. Angry, loud, shouting mum isn't good for them and alcoholic, abusive SD definitely isn't.

If you don't value yourself enough to think you deserve better, think about them. You've said you would tell a loved one to leave but you are forcing your children to stay because they don't have a choice, they are reliant on you.

Call Women's Aid for support and advice, especially if you are financially dependent on him.

I do get annoyed with the kids - mostly after our interactions where he always says in front of the kids I have anger issues. The problem is when we discuss issues in close doors and talk calmly so children don't hear but he will not communicate/ avoid answering things refuse to tell me what exactly I did that disrespected him (I should know apparntky because he tells me enough) and my anger rises and my voice gets louder because I'm not being listened to. This happened in my childhood where I was invisible and I had to have a loud voice to shut down my mums anger. He watches me get angry because he is refused to engage in a civil convo and tell me what I need to know. I'm being accused of stuff that's ending the marriage but without any examples. Generic you have anger issues. Even when I beg tell me please the last time I was angry with you and disrespected you and he cant/wont give me an example.

my children get the best and worst of me. When I'm in a dark place they just see an emotional mum
who cries. I was more angrier when my children were younger because my first husband literally destroyed me. Recently not so much but it's always in the back of arguments with husband. He can't take accountability. I have asked him to leave several times in the last 3 years due to his drink and emotional cheating with ex. I have begged him to leave but he hasn't and has asked for time to change. But randomly know he wants to leave because of my anger issues? Surely if I was this person who he hates he would've left when I begged him to when he messed up? I'm questioning my sanity:

You’re questioning your sanity because he is gaslighting you.

His drinking is caused by him and is his responsibility

OP sounds like there might be truth in what you both say.

you don’t sound like you like each other.

I would end it, and seek counselling/therapy

This happened in my childhood where I was invisible and I had to have a loud voice to shut down my mums anger.

This is what your are subjecting your kids to as well.

I was more angrier when my children were younger because my first husband literally destroyed me.

Can you see that you would be a much better mum if you didn't have these men in your life? These poor kids have been through enough, please put them first now.

He's done a number on you darling!
You sound soooo confused about who you are.
I bet you if you left him the so called "anger issues" would decrease and you could work on your emotions in a healthy environment.
Why are you worried about your behaviour towards him when he has raised his hands on you?

Have you considered that with a narcissistic parent your boundaries and tolerance for abusive behaviour is way off and you may possibly need to retrain yourself to not seek out abusive people which is a norm for you in relationships. The freedom programme might be invaluable for you. Your husband sounds abusive.

He has a drink problem and you have an anger problem and that sounds like a pretty bad combination.

Physical violence is a deal breaker regardless of anything else. If he’s hit you then you should end it. You might find your anger dissipates somewhat without having to deal with someone else’s issues as well as your own. Leave and focus on your own self growth.

He’s an alcoholic and you have anger issues. You’re not compatible and you’re not making each other happy. You need to separate: there’s no point hanging on for grim death to the wreckage of a dying relationship.

The ironic thing is I'm not even angry - I haven't had any angry outbursts for months and I thought things were going the best they have ever been?
I even said this to him and he agreed.
the only issue that has cropped up is he gt drunk on holiday recently and I didn't recognise him so I told him he wants alcohol in his life he needs to leave. Fast forward a couple of months and he has gone for a weekend with his friends to watch the boxing and I reminded him about the drink and he was all quiet and moody and then after he came back he said he can't stay with me coz I'm the angry person he has been resenting all our marriage. He said it's nothing to do with him wanting to drink it's me. I personally think he wants drink in his life but can't have the decision to drink hanging over his head being the reason his second marriage broke too (alcohol was the reason for the first marriage breakdown) so he decided to blame me for things that aren't true and ignore all my efforts in managing my anger.

If you left him, and started going to counselling you have the rest of your life to be healed and happy.

Leaving him and learning to not fall into abusive patterns again with partners will be the best thing you ever did.

It's not too late.

You are in an abusive marriage.

Him leaving is not a threat , it's actually giving you what you need. Who cares why it's happening? The important thing is that it happens and you are free of him. You and your children deserve better.

You need to look into the practical side of things , house(owned, rented, in whose name?) , do you work or if not can you start, any benefits you might be entitled to etc.

Once you're free, try and get some counselling for yourself, work on yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and stay single while all this is going on.

He said he doesn't want to be with me. But is still in the house apparently can't afford to move out. It's my house I have a good career so no issues there - it's what he said and will do. He will stay here and act normal allowing the children to feel the tension and then expect me to fall back into normality ignoring and burying everything he has said until the next argument and then the same things will be said. The past few months have been good but he's been resenting me during that time too so what does that mean no matter what happens he will always say I'm the issue. So how can I put any energy into fixing something that will always be said is broken regardless of the changes