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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My husband has just said he hates a part of me

118 replies

Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 18:43

I feel totally blindsided. Like literally like finding out he has been having an affair. (I know how this feels too as previous husband has done this).
My marriage is by no means perfect we have our fair share of ups and downs esp being both our second marriages and having children in these earlier marriages.
We have had a rocky start and now nearing 5 year anniversary. I thought we were making progress even spoke about this being the strongest year literally 2 weeks ago in bed.. I know I can be a difficult person to be with (so I've been told) I've had quite a traumatic childhood and first marriage and naturally I'm reserved and hesitant - my hubs a calls me angry and my first response to everything is anger. I don't disagree I am dealing with how to regulate my emotions and do have emotional outbursts (I think the anger is just deep rooted hurt that has been forced to take over due to being let down and abandonment issues). He has told me previously I disrespect him in my behaviours (how I talk to him speak to him look at him?!) I have taken that on board and am actively working on that to the effect I feel we haven't had any arguments or such incidents as he describes as disrespectful as I am eager not to have that said about me.
He equally has issues with alcohol and communication mainly and this has been on occasions been the almost last straw.
I have for personal reasons told him if he drinks alcohol again we are done. This was in September. I do not like his communication method which he shuts down and ignores me when he's upset as this is what happened this weekend and I have no idea literally clueless why - as we had a nice morning and he was the one who wanted to spend it with me, when I asked what's wrong he flipped saying I can't give him space and I should be able to read in between the lines etc. completely thrown but carried on weekend wondering what happened.
today he told me he hates the angry part of me and can't deal with it. That there's no other woman and he deserves better.
I normally can sense the vibes when things are off but I am literally blindsided by this. Feel like he has hidden behind my agreed flaws to end the marriage as he knows if he drinks it's done so wants to avoid taking responsibility in the ending of this. By blaming me I feel totally devastated as I know I'm shitty at times and can be loud and talk a lot but I feel like this is total passing the buck as NOTHING makes sense in what he said as we have in recent weeks been planning for future, he has made massive purchases for us, we have talked about reviewing our vows. If he hated me surely he would've contested it in those instances?
I feel like I've been deceived and this was his plan all along to bide time to blame the ending of the marriage on me not on his drinking problem.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/10/2024 23:31

Not surprised you're angry. Being stuck with a useless drunk and their manipulation tends to do that to people.

Bet you'd feel a lot more chilled out if you didn't have him around constantly looking for ways to get one up on you and today's lame excuse to get shitfaced again.

craftysnake · 29/10/2024 02:24

Reading the thread title, I thought you meant your left ear or something

Ger1atricMillennial · 29/10/2024 02:56

Its OK if this does't work out OP. Both of you are severly traumatised and have dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

There is no need to prolong this pain any further. Neither of you are happy together. You tried and learned things on the way. Marriage is not a necessity anymore in life. I have just finished reading a book called Single at Heart it helped me to realise that it is acheivable to live a fulfilling life without a romantic partner.

Give yourself and your DH a break and call it quits now.

Aquamarineeyes · 29/10/2024 03:39

I am the more hot-tempered person in my marriage. I do try and tamp down on it. I try never to leave passive aggressive voice mails. I try to get away to cool down eg weeding the garden. I sometimes just ask my husband to leave me alone when I am in a bad mood. When I have been angry, I don't think an abject apology wipes the words away but I do apologise.

On the other hand, I wouldn't put up with your husband's behaviour at all. He has hit you, forced you out of a car to walk home and abuses you, and you also have to put up with his drinking problem and his sulking. I don't think this is working at all when you are both viciously sniping at each other. It really doesn't matter who is responsible for the failure of a marriage because it seems obvious that this one is making neither of you happy.

FedupMumof10YearOld · 29/10/2024 03:50

He hates your behaviour not you.

FedupMumof10YearOld · 29/10/2024 03:51

*didn't RTFT

Doingmybest12 · 29/10/2024 04:45

This is not someone who is a good partner for you. You can't communicate with him, you tip toe around him, he has alcohol issues , he has hit you, he didn't want to continue counselling, you respond by being angry. Its OK for him to say he doesnt like the angry side of you but what about all the rest of the dynamic, certainly not good for you OP. I think it's best if you seperate and for you to take control and agree this is the best way forward.

beenwhereyouare · 29/10/2024 04:58

No matter what you decide, please get counseling to get a handle on your anger. You will feel so much better if you're able to stay in control. It's okay to feel angry; I can see you have reason. But I think subconsciously, you're using the anger to protect yourself. And that doesn't work. It hurts you and puts you in danger. It's not safe to get so angry with a violent man.

I think counseling would help you so much. It's hard on you mentally and physically when you're anxious and angry so much. Especially as it's unresolved anger. He probably does trigger you on purpose.

Someone once told me that they really liked to rattle my cage and then watch the show. I got a look at the mind behind the "I didn't say it to hurt you" face. Manipulative. I'm a lot more simple than that. I don't think I've ever tried to make someone angry in my life. (And no, I didn't leave. But I did learn to read him better.)

That was important, because it's not much fun for a manipulator if they know you're aware of what they're doing. Getting upset and angry just gives them what they want; learning how to control your actions and not just react takes times, practice, and trust in yourself.

You need someone who can give you the tools to help you be in control. After that, you'll be able to work on other issues that are being pushed to the background right now. Therapy has given me some peace and the ability to decide what I want my future to look like. It's helped me think more, and react less. Not every time, but it's better.

I hope you realize that you deserve better, and that it's not always your fault. I hope your life calms down. ❤

malificent7 · 29/10/2024 04:59

Sounds like a toxic relattionship for you bboth. Would councelling helo?

Loloj · 29/10/2024 05:23

This is ringing alarm bells to me OP. My ex accused me of having an “anger management problem” - he convinced me that our relationship failings were to do with me and my anger- so much so that I went to anger management counselling. It then became clear that although - yes I can be fiery and short tempered, it was more to do with his inability to discuss and anything and his gaslighting behaviour that was the problem in our relationship. You sound frustrated and he sounds unable to communicate. You may feel that you want to save the relationship but he doesn’t sound like a good partner and men who lack the ability to communicate rarely change.
*edited for spelling

AgentJohnson · 29/10/2024 05:27

What are you must angry at? Him ending your relationship or your behaviour being cited as the reason for ending your relationship?

Your relationship sounds toxic and quite frankly I’m failing to see what makes you compatible. It sounds like you both have some serious issues that should have been addressed years ago but because you didn’t, they festered and now it’s all about pointing the finger at the other. Has it occurred to you that you both might be right, that he doesn’t want to address his drinking and that your anger issues are too much for him.

The ‘reason’ for this relationship being over isn’t the point, it being over is. Children shouldn’t be anywhere near this dysfunction.

Garlicbest · 29/10/2024 05:54

Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 21:35

I dnt know - he tells me im
abusive because im loud and i get angry and i shout.

Breathe In Help GIF

Honestly, your relationship sounds awful. It also sounds like you're not ready to leave. I second/third the advice to speak with Women's Aid.

If you're not yet ready to take even that little step - or, better, while you're getting advice and making preparations - I have a strategic suggestion for you.

Stop 'acting angry'. Take a short pause and a slow breath - you can even count to ten in your head (I've done this often) so that you can speak at your normal speed and volume. If he's trying to wind you up, take your short pause and use a deflecting filler like "Ah" and "I see". Stay conscious of your steady breathing - this is so you don't feel panicky.

Notice what happens next! Mine just stood there looking bewildered, left the room, then came straight back in with more nonsense designed to piss me off. I thoroughly enjoyed that, but the point is to see whether he's in fact the bad-tempered one and, as a bonus, to be clear-headed enough to spot what he's doing to set you off.

Here's my favourite breathing exercise 🙂

converseandjeans · 29/10/2024 06:10

@Unknown1111

I get angry really quickly and as mentioned before I am loud and can shout when I get emotionally stung

I don't think I would want to live with someone who explodes like that every time I annoyed them. Maybe it's worse than be expected?

Edingril · 29/10/2024 06:11

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:10

Sounds to me like he’s a tad controlling.

Are you sure it’s not your relationship that makes you angry?

So it only works one way?

LateAF · 29/10/2024 06:17

converseandjeans · 29/10/2024 06:10

@Unknown1111

I get angry really quickly and as mentioned before I am loud and can shout when I get emotionally stung

I don't think I would want to live with someone who explodes like that every time I annoyed them. Maybe it's worse than be expected?

RTFT - sounds like reactive anger. He has been phyically and verbally abusive and her outbursts come after these episodes - they don't appear to be unprompted.

Edingril · 29/10/2024 06:22

LateAF · 29/10/2024 06:17

RTFT - sounds like reactive anger. He has been phyically and verbally abusive and her outbursts come after these episodes - they don't appear to be unprompted.

So when a female partner is abusive 'I wouldn't have abused you but you made me do it' sounds like the line men try

Spirallingdownwards · 29/10/2024 06:26

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 21:10

Sounds to me like he’s a tad controlling.

Are you sure it’s not your relationship that makes you angry?

That is odd. It sounds to me like she is. He was beibg quiet and she was wanting to know why. Not the other way round. Why can't he just be quiet if he wants to

Spirallingdownwards · 29/10/2024 06:29

oops should have RTFT

Sounds like issues on both sides. Probably wouldn't do a vow renewal. Usually that's for people who have cheated if doing it after only 5 years.

Snoken · 29/10/2024 06:32

How are your children doing in all of this? You have brought them into a very dysfunctional situation by bringing an abusive man into their lives. After your first marriage you should have had extensive therapy to work through your childhood trauma and tried to get to the bottom
of your anger issues, for their sake as much as yours. Your focus should be you and your children. This man isn’t going to make you a better version of yourself, he triggers you.

Elektra1 · 29/10/2024 06:35

A lot of issues there. My ex also used to label me "angry". I'm not an angry person but felt totally unsupported at home, I did all the childcare, all the domestic load, but we both had high pressure jobs. In the end she had an affair and left me. I was devastated. But after a lot of therapy I came to understand where my "angry" responses came from - a lack of boundaries or ability to advocate for my own needs. And I'm much better at that now.

His drink problem is a separate issue and he may well prefer to focus the spotlight on your issues than tackle his own. You can't help with that but you can change your own behaviour (if you want the marriage to work out).

DeepRoseFish · 29/10/2024 07:04

Spirallingdownwards · 29/10/2024 06:26

That is odd. It sounds to me like she is. He was beibg quiet and she was wanting to know why. Not the other way round. Why can't he just be quiet if he wants to

Being quiet and giving the silent treatment are 2 entirely different things.

DeepRoseFish · 29/10/2024 07:06

Edingril · 29/10/2024 06:22

So when a female partner is abusive 'I wouldn't have abused you but you made me do it' sounds like the line men try

It’s an entirely different thing. Educate yourself.

Notsuchafattynow · 29/10/2024 07:06

Only you know OP if this is worth saving.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard work. I think you both bring out the worst in each other, and unless something drastic changes, your poor kids are being impacted.

A trial separation sounds a good idea to me.

DeepRoseFish · 29/10/2024 07:07

Edingril · 29/10/2024 06:11

So it only works one way?

I am gonna take a guess that you are a man

Boomer55 · 29/10/2024 07:09

You do both sound to be hard work at times. In any marriage, both people do things that irritate the other - compromise, by both sides, needs to happen. 🤷‍♀️

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