Exhausted with newborn - when does it get easier?

[BabyMama889]

I just need to hear what I can hope for.

I have a 10 week old baby. He's gorgeous but I'm falling apart. The sleep deprivation is a killer. I thought I would start exercising a bit or socialising by now but I'm SO tired. PGP still lingering so long walks are painful. I just spend all day crying and feeling like an abject failure. I know you're meant to speak to the baby but I don't want to. I'm totally overwhelmed so I just breastfeed him, change his nappies etc but I can't do more. And I can’t sleep in the day. I just can't. Never could and now it's even harder. When the baby goes down I'm so overstimulated, I need time to wind down. But he has no schedule. He may sleep for 10 minutes, an hour, 3 hours. You never know.

I spent my whole pregnancy suffering with sickness, PGP and itching from cholestatis. The PGP was so bad from 24 weeks, I was essentially house bound. I didn't think things could get worse.

My only 2 friends with babies LOVED the newborn stage and went travelling at 8 weeks (I don't think I could even spell my name to buy an airline ticket right now). They keep telling me how newborns are the best but if this is the best it gets, etc what have I done???? I'm not cut out for this.

Oh God those early days are tough. NOTHING prepares you for how relentless it is.
Mine is a teenager now and I still remember how hard it was.

Some people like the baby stage. For me, it was dull and I have enjoyed my DD a little more every year.
DO NOT compare yourself, or your baby, to others experiences. Some will walk early, some later. Some will eat well, some less so. Some sleep through, some nearly kill you with tiredness.

Just do what you have to do to get through. For me it was lowering standards and having a stash of paper plates!

YANBU - newborn stage is hard, depending on the baby. My first was very difficult, wanted to be held all the time, didn’t sleep or nap well. He didn’t sleep through until he was over a year, but it went so quickly in reality. It will get better.

Ahhhh i feel you op! I had a similarly difficult pregnancy with my first and the spd took months to get better post birth. Have you tried osteopathy? Its all i found that really helped, highly recommend it!

I cant answer re when things get easier as all babies and circumstances are different, but for me it was probably around the 3 month mark. It really sounds as though this has done a number on your emotional state, id really encourage you to contact your gp and discuss with them as they may suggest medication to help tide you over. Otherwise, i suggest maybe tackling one issue at a time - for me once the spd eased up everythinf else felt so much easier as i could sleep a little more and move more without pain. Good luck to you 😊

It’s hard. Your travelling friends are not the norm. By 8 months, it will be getting a lot easier (lots of variables such as how you sleep train, what coughs/ colds/ other problems your baby has eg mine both had reflux so that was hard until they weaned)z

Now your baby is getting bigger get a sling or baby carrier. It’s a game changer.

Yanbu. But try and not compare. Each stage and age has its positives and negatives... And each baby and child has their challenges, easier bits, some sleep, some dont...I found the new born stage easy but I had friends like you who struggled but I really struggled during the ages 3-4 stage (really struggled) whilst other friends sailed through that. In answer to your question when the baby sleeps through makes it easier. It can be hell and the answer is to share the load. Have you a friend or family member who can hold baby whilst you can sleep. I've done it for family and friends as others did it for me. It gets better I promise you.

I know you mention feeling overstimulated and not knowing how long baby will nap for. I can empathise, I know that feeling well. I found it useful to focus on enjoying a chance to reset or rest, even if I wasn't able to sleep. Of course a proper three hour kip would be better but I was happier in myself when I took away the pressure of needing to be asleep.

And it's very tricky to do, but please don't compare how you're feeling now with anyone else. Every baby is different - and you're also coping with recovering from a pregnancy that sounded incredibly rough, plus labour on top. You're finding it tough because it is!

I don't think you can or should compare to others. For me, the newborn stage genuinely was easy. The sleep deprivation was shit but otherwise, I enjoyed it and found it pretty straightforward. Once DD could walk, and had tantrums and opinions it became harder. I needed 85 pairs of eyes and hands and was constantly exhausted! So each person's experience will be different, and even if the newborn stage isn't for you, I'm sure you'll find your groove at some other stage 🙂

Oh and just to say - you are 100% not a failure. Youve carried, birthed and are keeping your baby fed, warm and clean. You are absolutely doing awesome! Parenthood is very, very hard. Dont judge yourself or compare to others 😊

@Ryeman that's the thing, when I compare my baby to other newborns, he's a really easy one! He sleeps fine in his crib, one 4-5 hrs stretch a night, not a velcro baby. Reflux is an issue so we can't feed him to sleep, I fed sitting upright, then have to burp, then hold him up for 20 mins. So no chance of a quick feed and roll over to sleep. I'm awake awake by the time we finish all that. But other mothers have velcro babies who still only sleep 2-3 hrs a time. So why am I struggling. I feel so useless.

Honestly the tiredness didn’t start properly for me until 3 months 😬
I was tired before but it turns out the adrenaline was keeping me going, once that went and the wake ups became a bit longer, DC needs more play, walks and stimulation in the day then the tiredness really started to take over.
I could never nap with DC1 but got better with DC1.
When you are genuinely really tired then try to have a nap, white noise for you too and an eye mask is a game changer!

I think any broken sleep makes you feel like shit, a 4 hour stretch isn’t really enough to make you feel rejuvenated!
10m old now sleeps 7-5am which in theory is a good stretch, 5am or just before is a really early start and then periodically he will have nights where he wakes and is still up at like 4:45 so I still feel shattered all the time.
I think when you’re listing out for a baby you aren’t getting any good quality sleep.

@Completelyjo yeah DH reckons that I'm probably listening out for baby and I'm not getting full deep enough sleep in those 4-5 hrs

Ha - I stopped exercising when I get pregnant with my first, and didn't start up again until my youngest was 3, some YEARS later!

Firstly, priorities. Food, sleep, hygiene.

Secondly, don't believe anything anyone else tells you. Even if it's true, you don't have their baby and they are not you so it's irrelevant.

Thirdly, drop any expectation that your life will "revert" to what it was. You had a rubbish pregnancy, your body has changed, and you have a baby now. Your life will be good again, better even. But it won't be what it was before. It can't be (unless something awful happens).

Fourthly, stop counting the days and weeks and months. There's no point. Your baby will decide on your schedule. You can do things to encourage them to make decisions that are better for you than not. But ultimately, if you have a clingy baby/poor sleeper/poor eater/sick child, it's all out of your hands.

Just make these mental adjustments and stop fighting yourself and your new life. You'll be happier once you relax into it and lower your expectations to whatever is necessary to get through it at this stage. (And yes, agree with pp: it may very well get worse before it gets better, it's not a straight line of progression often).

Oh I could have written your post. I swear I still have PTSD from those God-awful newborn days. I cried every day for the first three months. The exhaustion was relentless. My kid is an only child for a reason! You will survive this, I promise and you will mostly forget how awful it was because you are so utterly fucked. For me it got much better after about 9 months , just in time to go back to work 😂. Now I have a 7 year old who wipes his own ass, makes his own breakfast and is a joy to be around. It was worth the initial horror fest. You are not alone and you will survive this! I now strangely have rise tinted glasses when I look back at any memory after 6 months but the first 6 months were utterly brutal.

Oh OP, I vividly remember those days, they were bleak. It does get easier I promise, your body somehow adjusts to less sleep and then they start sleeping better, moving more, having a personality.

I would try and break the day down into hours if necessary. Just get through it and ask for help, I was so afraid to ask for help I struggled on, until I had a complete breakdown and people helped, I built my village.

Babies are portable, so do try and leave the house even if it's just a quick walk around the block. It makes a massive difference.

A minor change but in a few weeks when baby is a little older I found it useful to sleep on the opposite side of the bed to the crib and it helped me sleep through the little squeaks and things that aren’t proper wakes.
And if the baby does go through a period of more frequent wakes remember your DH can don resettles too even if you are BFing!

In my experience around age 4🫤

You're in the trenches right now and my heart goes out to you. You're not alone and what you describe sounds very normal (to me, at least), but I know that doesn't make it any easier.

Yes, some people love the newborn stage. Fact is, we're all different. All babies are different. All our individual circumstances are different. Please don't compare yourself to others and instead try to be as kind to yourself as possible. You're doing this! You have a 10 week old baby that is fed, cleaned and rested because of the care you're pouring into them.

My sleep also went out the window when I had mine. The 'not knowing' how long baby might sleep for meant I could never rest and was exhausted all the time. My only advice is to be forgiving with yourself and make life as easy as possible in terms of food, cleaning, socialising etc. Be utterly selfish in those small moments you can between parenting duties – rest is the next best thing to sleep. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you have anyone nearby.

In terms of when it gets easier, I remember a friend telling me 'just make it until 3 months, and then all you have to do is make it until 6 months'. It seems unbearably far away but the minutes are long and the days are short. You'll get there – take it at YOUR pace and not anyone else's.

I don’t think I’d agree it just gets harder, it’s not linear and it does get harder and easier in different ways as they get older but the ways the newborn days are difficult is just so different to any other kind if difficult. The newborn days are harder in that you’re still just adjusting to motherhood, recovering from birth, learning what baby needs, coping with less sleep, feeding can be erratic, colic, wind etc. It’s the sudden change of suddenly having this tiny baby totally dependent on you, being unwell yourself, learning how to be a mother and adjusting to less sleep that makes the newborn says so completely hard.

The only things that are “easier” as a newborn (in my experience) is it’s easier to take a newborn out as they will basically just sleep, newborns don’t take as much entertaining as 6 month+ do, newborns don’t roll at 100mph and sit up then fling themselves back, walk or run around etc so physically speaking it’s easier to be out & about with a newborn but that is literally it.

Everyone has a different experience and becoming a parent is a huge change that not everybody copes with in the same way, give yourself grace, you’re doing the best you can and that is enough! X

I hated the newborn phase and it was by far the hardest. One of the worst bits were those friends who were apparently loving life.

Don't worry - you're very close to the end of the worst bit.

It’s tough, mine is 6 months, I found 12 weeks a big turning point and then 6 months again.

I suggest an owlet sock to give you the peace of mind so that you can actually sleep without worrying. I swear by it. No waking up panicking about whether baby is ok or not.

Have you tried expressing? So DH can do the late feed, and you can get an early night.

I used to express with/after the first feed in the morning, when I had loads of milk.

Talking to your baby is hard going when they don’t respond. When you’re home alone, you can just narrate what you’re doing - “mummy is very tired today. It’s time for a coffee. Let’s get a cup out of the cupboard…”.

It will get better. You will survive. Just hang in there.

Have you got a spare room you can sleep in every now and then? Husband can wake you when baby needs feeding? Not being in the same room might help you relax

Could you get your dh to do a full day and night and you could go to a nearby premier inn and sleeeeeeep. I think you are getting really poor quality sleep. I found it so hard to really switch off and even years later my sleep will never be the same..with a good night's sleep you might feel a bit better..at the end of the day you need to look after yourself first, you can't pour from an empty cup and all that.

I remember frantically texting my mum in the middle of the night with DS2 he was allergic to cows milk (we didn't know this) and literally never slept soundly. Thankfully mum dad and ds1 came to collect ds2 for a few hours to let me get some sleep.

It does get better.