Exhausted with newborn - when does it get easier?

[BabyMama889]

I just need to hear what I can hope for.

I have a 10 week old baby. He's gorgeous but I'm falling apart. The sleep deprivation is a killer. I thought I would start exercising a bit or socialising by now but I'm SO tired. PGP still lingering so long walks are painful. I just spend all day crying and feeling like an abject failure. I know you're meant to speak to the baby but I don't want to. I'm totally overwhelmed so I just breastfeed him, change his nappies etc but I can't do more. And I can’t sleep in the day. I just can't. Never could and now it's even harder. When the baby goes down I'm so overstimulated, I need time to wind down. But he has no schedule. He may sleep for 10 minutes, an hour, 3 hours. You never know.

I spent my whole pregnancy suffering with sickness, PGP and itching from cholestatis. The PGP was so bad from 24 weeks, I was essentially house bound. I didn't think things could get worse.

My only 2 friends with babies LOVED the newborn stage and went travelling at 8 weeks (I don't think I could even spell my name to buy an airline ticket right now). They keep telling me how newborns are the best but if this is the best it gets, etc what have I done???? I'm not cut out for this.

It really does get better! I remember with DD1 feeling like I’d never sleep again. DS (our third) is now 7mo and I dream feed him a couple of times a night but that’s it. I cosleep so don’t have to move or even wake up fully.

Don’t stress that you’re not exercising or travelling! There’s plenty of time for those things.

My one point of concern with what you’ve posted is feeling like a failure and struggling to cope with talking to your baby. It’s ok not to be ok and ask for help. That sounds like more than the normal level of tired and sad.

@BabyMama889 there is a reason that sleep deprivation is used as a means of torture. I remember my oldest crying when he'd only been down 45 minutes and I had sorted the breakfast dishes and was just getting into bed. I was beside myself. I've found I get on better as children get up. That oldest one is a teenager now and great company. You will find the age you click with.

For now, is there anyone who could sit in the house whilst you sleep? Could you go to bed as soon as baby goes down in the evening? Will baby sleep in a swing (for me one did, one didn't)? You will get through it, but don't be so hard on yourself.

The darkest time is the hour before the dawn - you really are in the worst time. I found things got bearable at 12 weeks as they could sleep a bit longer and you were just used to operating on 3/4 hours of sleep.

Dear god, the newborn days are absolutely not the best. The first six months or so with my son was literally the worst period of my life. Of course there were nice occasions but life in general was crap. And my son wasn't even a bad sleeper or anything, babies are just so tedious and repetitive.

I'd say around 12-16 weeks or so it started to become tolerable. I'd recovered from birth, we'd started to have a routine and the baby was a bit more responsive to his surroundings so that was nice.

Month 6 was when it started to be something approaching good. We started weaning which I enjoyed, he was able to engage with little games and express himself a bit better. He started to show interests and he could sit up and reach for the things he wanted. Once he could crawl (9 months for us), life actually became properly decent, as he could entertain himself or make it clear what he wanted.

In my experience there are two types of mums, those that love the baby stage and hate the toddler stage and those the other way around. Everyone used to say to me how the baby stage was the easiest, well they were wrong… for me anyway. The sleep deprivation sucked every ounce of fun out of the baby stage for me. Everything changed almost the day she turned 1, I was like a new person and life was good again. This stage is hard but it doesn’t last forever

I could've written your post OP. Like you I simply could not sleep in the day, not a chance, even though I was so bloody exhausted. I'd get really upset someone taking her in the day and saying "go and have a nice sleep" because I just couldn't do it!!

Best advice I got was to just lie down whenever you can, put on white noise or a gentle audio book and just tell yourself it's OK if I don't fall asleep, I will just lie here, breathe and rest my eyes quietly. Download the Calm app, it saved my sanity some nights.

You are in the worst part. It will get better and you will sleep again ❤️

@Unreconstituted baby won't take a bottle or a dummy, we have tried and tried. He also cluster feeds in the evening so i can't get a break at the exact time of day that DH is home and could help. Baby is just grizzly and on me in the evening, every evening until bedtime.

My mum says I was the same, never took a bottle, went straight to drinking from a cup around 8-9 months when she weaned me.

Never ever compare yourself to other mothers. We're all just experiencing this so differently. The newborn stage is a joyous time for some and feels like extremely hard work for others - same as all other ages and stages of childhood. It does get better - you may simply be one of those parents who peak up when your child is older and better able to communicate and show initiative. Caring for a newborn does feel relentless and you're never sure how much sleep you'll get. I still remember how I actually DID get plenty of sleep most of the time, vur still felt stressed out and panicky at the thought of never knowing when he'd wake me up next, and for how long. This is not forever. Hang in there!

We persevered, used a Haberman feeder but I think a lot of bottles are more like that now.

Anyway, hang on it in there, as other posters have said it does get better!

Depends on your kid.

One of mine was a dream as a baby ... but as autistic none sleeping teenager who wouldn't go to school on time...much worse.

The other was hell as a baby for sleep/feeding but a dream as a teen sleeping wise.

Thanks everyone. I am reading everyone's replies and it helps to have some company. I do have a touch of depression but i'm too tired to do anything about it.

I do deeply regret breastfeeding, it's the worst mistake of my life. Baby totally refuses a bottle now so no chance of mix feeding in the immediate future.

My mum did warn me that breastfeeding was brutal (she breastfed me until 9 months) but I just didn't really understand until now. I hate it so much. I could be a better mother if I could have a stretch of sleep.

I used to go to sleek about 8pm on the sofa and then baby would want another feed about 10pm which I’d do and then sleep for the night (obviously up bloody constantly for 2 hours at a time and struggled to switch off after too). Slept in as much as I could (not often as first time we had builders in at 7:30am and second time I had a toddler, third time school runs!)

also op it sucks now but breastfeeding is so much easier in a couple of months when you aren’t up fucking around heating bottles etc.

get a co sleeper crib if you don’t have one already to minimise wakes up for you too.

You're breastfeeding on top of everything, that absolutely takes it out of my. My third is now 4 months old and things are sooo much easier. There comes a point when you look back and you barely remember the stress feeling even though you remember it being hard. Better days are just round the corner. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old too and the newborn stages for all 3 were by far the worst stage so far. Be easy on yourself. You're just in survival mode at the moment and that's very normal.

Persevere with a dummy- cheap cherry shaped dummy. None of the posh flat good for them. And tap it until they get the idea.

Get to a baby group or Breastfeeding Support great place to meet other mums at the same stage because people forget what the newborn stage is like

Absolutely hear you. I swear some babies are easier/ some parents have an easier time of it. I just could NOT understand how since people enjoyed it.

Now I have a bit of distance it makes more sense. I loved my daughter and I was a good mum, but she wasn't settled and content, almost ever. So how could I, her loving mum, be blissed out when she was so unhappy?

(All health professionals assured me she was fine BTW). She was never a calm, chilled baby up until about 10 months old. She enjoyed life, but always needed stimulation and attention, intensely! At 10 months she started using baby sign language and she became a lot more chilled!

At 17 months she started reading words. I kind of think she is just bright and needed a lot of stimulation from us. And she is now the most wonderful, happy and gorgeous toddler. Life is good.

Your story will be unique, but no, the newborn stage/ baby stage is horrific for some of us! You'll be OK one way or another xxxxxxxx

Oh OP, I hear you. Those early days are so brutal and others have said nothing prepares you for them.

I promise it gets easier. 12 weeks, then three months and six months we're all little milestones for us. Right now you're in the 'lovely potato' stage where they do sweet FA and need everything. As soon as you start getting a little back (smiles, giggles, play) it makes the days a little easier.

You're not a failure, you're doing so well, and I promise it will ease.

In the meantime, put in a quick call to your Health Visitor and mention how your mood is. They can kick start you getting support from talking therapies or medication to give you a little headspace from how you feel.

Promise, it will pass.

Ime you just get used to it. I went from pregnancy insomnia to a newborn to peri-menopause insomnia. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since 2013. I am managing to function, just.

Thanks for being realistic 😂 my daughter is coming up to 2.5 & I’m still knackered.

Honestly, I know it doesn't seem like it now but breastfeeding saved me - I just rolled over and fed them, no getting up and making bottles. If you do decide to give breastfeeding up, get your partner to do the bottles with you nowhere near, if they are hungry they will take it. Give expressed milk if you want to combi feed. My DC2 wouldn't take a bottle or dummy either and it's tough going, I know it doesn't seem like it now but it will get better!!

Me and my NCT friends all agreed it started to get easier once we could get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep in a block. For one of my NCT cohort that happened in a fortnight, for me it was about 7-8 weeks, for someone else it took a year. Hopefully at 10 weeks you are starting to see the nights sleeps get a little longer.

I feel for you, OP. It is rough. I didn't enjoy the first couple of months at all....

I think it 'gets better' when they sleep well (note, I'm not saying 'start sleeping well' because sleep is so up and down for the first few years). My second didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time from 6-18m. That was the hardest time for me. She went through a phase of sleeping through from 2-2.5 and it was like I had the energy to live in colour again.

Some people find sleep deprivation harder than others. Your 4-5 hour block is more than I got last night (with 5&7 yo), but I only got 5-6 hours sleep most nights before kids, often less. When I was pregnant I had severe SPD which woke me every 30-45m all night. That meant newborn sleep deprivation was pleasantly restful compared to pregnancy!

As a 'no sleep club' veteran you may (or may not) find some of these useful/using

• your body aclimatises to an extent. I functioned enough to live, work etc on 45m segments of broken sleep. It was awful but my body learned to cope.
• try not to look at the clock/fixate on how little you're getting or you'll feel more stressed.
• take any opportunities for nap that you can.

I'm one of those people that adored the newborn stage but found toddlers hard (fun but crikey it's relentless!), but everyone struggles with different things and that's ok. I don't think it's a hard baby vs easy baby thing necessarily, but that's just one factor in about a hundred which can affect the experience you have. You'll find your favourite bit.

And tou know what, if you get to toddlerhood and actually do find it 10x harder, then you'll also be more used to parenting by that stage, and you'll manage, like we all do.

Have you been referred to physio if you are still having issues with pgp? If not ask for it.

do you have a partner at home? If so they need to be doing significantly more in the evening. You need to hand over the baby and go have a bath and sleep. They can give the baby a bottle if you are not around.

you need to speak to the hv too about not feeling able to speak to the baby at all. Who else is with you and around the baby during the day? What are you doing during the day? Are you getting to any baby groups? You might be able to get a referral to an appropriate one.

@Wolframandhart yes to physio but the soonest appointment is end of November (there aren't a lot of choices where I live, even private). It's frustrating as pre-pregnancy i was very fit and active and PGP completely floored me in pregnancy. I put on a ton of weight as I was essentially house bound from 24 weeks. Everyone told me it will go away after birth but it hasn't and even a 30 minute walk causes me pain for days.

Baby won't take a bottle. I have no one until the evening when DH comes home. He does do a lot when he's home and baby settles really well with him. But the baby cluster feeds every single evening, which the lactation consultant told me is normal.

I can't go to baby groups yet as our second car is broken so DH takes it for work. I can't get anywhere without a car here, and taxis are not an option. So I am stuck by myself, all day. It's probably not helping.

Hi @BabyMama889, my first baby is five weeks old today and I just want to say, I hear you. It’s such a tough time :( we’ve found a love to dream swaddle bag has helped our boy sleep at night but he’s formula fed so could be different.

not everybody feels that connection to their baby instantly and instead it could grow with time, but have you mentioned how you’re feeling to your HV/looked into PPD? sorry I haven’t read all of the thread yet so you may have already answered that!

just want to say, it’s tough and i’m sorry but you’re not alone 🧡