Exhausted with newborn - when does it get easier?

[BabyMama889]

I just need to hear what I can hope for.

I have a 10 week old baby. He's gorgeous but I'm falling apart. The sleep deprivation is a killer. I thought I would start exercising a bit or socialising by now but I'm SO tired. PGP still lingering so long walks are painful. I just spend all day crying and feeling like an abject failure. I know you're meant to speak to the baby but I don't want to. I'm totally overwhelmed so I just breastfeed him, change his nappies etc but I can't do more. And I can’t sleep in the day. I just can't. Never could and now it's even harder. When the baby goes down I'm so overstimulated, I need time to wind down. But he has no schedule. He may sleep for 10 minutes, an hour, 3 hours. You never know.

I spent my whole pregnancy suffering with sickness, PGP and itching from cholestatis. The PGP was so bad from 24 weeks, I was essentially house bound. I didn't think things could get worse.

My only 2 friends with babies LOVED the newborn stage and went travelling at 8 weeks (I don't think I could even spell my name to buy an airline ticket right now). They keep telling me how newborns are the best but if this is the best it gets, etc what have I done???? I'm not cut out for this.

@Babyboomtastic I had pregnancy insomnia, PGP and itching like hell from cholestatis. I slept 1-3 hours per night and working was awful. I thought if I could survive that, newborn phase would be fine. But it's not. I slept more last night than an average night when I was pregnant. I don't know what it is that makes it so unbearably exhausting. I do wake up at every sound that baby makes so I can only guess I'm not getting proper deep sleep.

Are there no buses? I didn't drive when my two were babies and we went for adventures on the bus (usually to the supermarket) and that killed a few hours?

@Icedlatteofdreams no, no buses at all.

@Icedlatteofdreams baby has reflux and hates feeding lying down. He needs to burp and to be held up for about 20 minutes after each feed. Otherwise he falls asleep but starts choking on sick within a few minutes and then hiccups start too. So we are both waking up properly at every feed.

the newborn phase is hard when all they want to do is sleep on you and only for a couple of hours at a time. It’s so brutal. Once they start sleeping in longer 3-4 hour stretches it gets a lot easier. Then it stays like that for a while unless you get a baby who sleeps through the night quickly, my 4 year old still doesn’t. But 3-4 hour stretches is so much easier then the newborn days, once you’re through to that then you’ll likely feel a lot better.

I have a 14 month old and I remember hallucinating during the first few weeks of him being born due to sleep deprivation. The newborn stage is not easy especially if it's your first but it does get easier of course it does. You will get into a routine and you'll find your flow. Travelling with a newborn is rare most parents don't do that I know I certainly wouldn't travel with a newborn until they have had all their injections. Please don't compare yourself to others that's a race you'll never win different circumstances for each individual. You are not alone there's plenty of new Mums in your position feeling the same. My best friend has a 3 week old baby and she's also struggling with sleep deprivation it's honestly quite normal. Do you have support from partner/husband or family. I totally understand what you mean when not being able to sleep during the day I am the same and when people used to tell me to sleep when my baby was sleeping I would get upset because literally I can't sleep during the day!

Oh OP, sending a massive handhold. I'm currently 28 weeks with my second, and I am flitting between panicking (I know all the feelings you describe so well) to excitement (I also know how quickly it passes, and that I'll look back and just feel love). It feels like forever in the moment, and I've never felt so lonely to be honest as when we had a newborn, but it really does pass. DS1 is now 3 years old, and whilst every phase brings challenges I know now to just weather the storm, every single thing is a phase with little ones. I'm thinking of you, you've got this. Take every minute you can to look after yourself, you will absolutely come out the other side just fine 💗

Anyone who suggests that the pregnancy lack of sleep compares to the newborn lack of sleep is mad. They're immeasurably different and newborn is miles harder!

Just to add, cluster feeding typically ends at 12 weeks. For me, that was a huge milestone in everything feeling a little brighter.

Aww sweetheart, it is hard. It's the unpredictability of the whole thing, and not knowing how much time you're going to have to yourself/to sleep. And the unease knowing they could wake at any minute!
I enjoyed the newborn phase but I have teens, and that's my biggest life challenge to-date!
I PROMISE you, it does get easier. It is all just so new and such unfamiliar territory. It doesn't help that it's portrayed as the best time ever. Yeah, right
Stick in there, you're doing great (even if it doesn't feel like it).

Hey. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Have you spoken to the GP/paediatrician about the reflux? It's possible alginate therapy would help. It's extremely tough when you're struggling through it alone. As someone else up thread suggests, if you can't nap in the day, that's ok, but take the time when he's asleep to rest at least. Lie down in a darkened room and listen to an audiobook (preferably one you already know well) or soothing music. Everything is so much worse when you're overtired.

Could you afford help? If your finances are limited how about a trainee maternity nurse? Get in touch with BabyEm and ask if they have anyone interested in a placement perhaps?

That car situation is rubbish. Timing eh!

At one point on mat leave we only had one car too. I'd drive DH to work and collect him so I could get the car during the day - is that an option?

You do need to be meeting other new mums.

I‘m here to say that I hated the newborn stage AMD the toddler stage. Tbh, I hated it all until they went to pre-school at 3yo. Now, I can’t imagine loving my life as their mother as much as I do. And it gets better every day. So I’m living proof that it isn’t always shit.

Another thing that I read on here years and years ago: everything seems worse in the middle of the night. Never a truer word was uttered.

It’s ok to feel angry, upset, weepy, pathetic. I’d go so far as to say that it’s actually normal for some. It doesn’t mean you’re a crap human or a crap mother. It means you’re living through crap times. If you’re keeping your baby and yourself alive and healthy (him as much as necessary, you enough to survive - the ratio will tip before you know it), you’re winning. Everything you’re doing is fine and normal. It sucks, but it won’t suck forever.

Op it's the 4th trimester he will settle down and sleep more.

Can you not drive your dh to work one day and keep the car?

After having my second, when people asked me if i was planning on having another i always replied the same way (well, except when i just said fuck no). I wouldnt want the first three months of pregnancy, or the first three months with a newborn ever again.

Have you thought about bottle feeding? This could allow your husband to do some night feeds and give you a proper nights sleep every few days

Cut from your first post to this reply.

For many of us, newborn is hell on a stick. They scream. Your body is fucked. You have absolutely no idea what is going on. Night is day, day is night. Will you get a 2 hour respite, or 10 minutes? Will you ever sleep again? Will the baby ever stop crying?

How can I make it stop??

This may not be helpful, but DS1's first year was the worst of my life; tho realising by 6-8 mo in we'd reached a just bearable coexistence.

But.

After that first 8-12 months, we turned corners. We started to have fun. He began to grow into a person.

Then we had DS2, exactly 2 yrs after DS1. He was an angry lil sod, but boy, were we more experienced. He didn't pull that shit for long!

It's a long time ago, for us. They're now 25/23. As we all say, amazing young adults. But I recognise your pain. It was shit, the early months. Absolute shit. It's okay to articulate how fucking hard early parenthood is.

I get that. I called it 'hypervigilance' because my buddy would go from sleepy to absolutely wide awake at even a slight change in breathing.

I don't have an answer for it, I had it for several years. What might give you some respite is if you sleep in a seperate room sometimes and your partner wakes you for feeds, as if you can't physically see/hear baby it might help with the hypervigilance. It will hopefully settle a bit in time as well.

Don't forget that your body is also recovering. 1-3 hours a night in pregnancy sounds like what I was getting. Too much pain to sleep by 30-45 minutes and then up for hours with the insomnia.

I'm mad then! Because I compare, and for me pregnancy lack of sleep was far worse.

1-3 hours in 30-45m segments for the third trimester (and not much better before). This was spd from 4 weeks pregnant which left me basically housebound. The exhaustion caused by pain was horrific. Even when my baby (not as a newborn, she slept ok then) woke every 45-60m wanting boobs it wasn't as bad as pregnancy. It was hell on earth getting through each day.

Everyoyhas a different experience. I would never say that pregnancy lack of sleep IS worse, only that it was for me. Equally, all you can say is that newborn sleep was worse for you specifically.

I was the same re the sleep. Having a baby really ruined my ability to sleep. Not knowing when I was going to be woken up meant my body simply would not go to sleep. It was so tough...

One thing that helped was going to bed super early in the evening and leaving the baby with DH with expressed milk. I would go to bed 7ish and he would come up midnight and gone. That meant I could get some sleep knowing I would not be disturbed. Then any sleep I got from midnight onwards was a bonus and that really made me relax knowing that when I was on duty again I had a bit of sleep already in the bag so to speak. Maybe worth a try.

This stage is horrific. I hated it and was so miserable.

What really helped was DH taking baby for a block of 3 hours when he got in from work. That was my off duty time. Initially I used it for sleep, or a shower or read a book, later on sometimes I went out with friends.

Sleeping in a different room. I was hyper-vigilant and it was really hard to sleep next to our baby due to all the noises. I had PND and anxiety which didn't help. The safe sleep guidelines mean they should sleep in the same room as an adult, but that doesn't have to be the mum! We didn't do it every night as DH was back at work but having a night's break every week or so made a big difference. She went into her own room at six months and everyone breathed a sign of relief and slept much better!

Combi-feeding with BF and formula made it a lot easier as DH could give a bottle and I didn't need to bother expressing. Breastfeeding was really bad for my mental health and knowing all the feeds were my responsibility was so tough so moving away from that made a big difference. You can try different tricks to get them to take a bottle - sometimes they can be really fussy about milk temperature if they're used to it at body temperature.

This might be helpful re cluster feeding and what's going on:

fedisbest.org/2018/02/what-is-cluster-feedingand-is-it-normal/

Thank you everyone. I was at absolute breaking point when I posted and spent all of Monday crying and suicidal. I finally texted DH on Monday afternoon to spell out how much i was struggling, I really wanted to die and was about to do something stupid, he left work immediately and I went out with friends for coffee. I made an effort to go out to a mum group coffee morning and it really helped.

Between that and baby actually sleeping a whole extra hour on Monday night, I feel like a different person now.

I think on Friday night I'll go sleep in a different room so i can get better quality sleep. Baby is a good sleeper,better than most newborns, but somehow I wake constantly listening out for him so i need to step away for a bit.

DH is now more clued up, I told him how I just can't relax and need him to take over for a bit, even if I'm there, so that I don't feel that I have to be the first responder all the time. He will do stuff if asked but I explained it's really stressful to sit there until I tell him to change a nappy or pick him up when baby is about to cry.

I think it really scared DH and he seems more proactive now. To be fair, I am a perfectionist and very good at masking. I never discuss any issues, especially emotional ones, until I am at breaking point. I shut down entirely and that's always been a problem for me.

A bit frustrating DH didn't anticipate some of these things (he's an adult, he can see/smell a nappy needs changing) but that's where we are.

Thank you for everyone's advice.

Bless you honey, I'm glad your doing a bit better. And made it to a new mums group. Great that you've posted here it's helped.

Mum's who are at least in the same stage will be a huge help. People forget how hard those early days are, nobody would go back for DC2 if they didn't. So having others who are at the same stage will be massive.
Every day it will get a tiny bit easier.

Well done for being honest OP, not an easy thing to do, and just want to stress how normal it is to find this stage impossibly hard. Don't be afraid to keep reaching out for help whenever you need it, and remember this stage is a phase and will pass.

(I often reminisce about my DD being two weeks old and nearly applying to an adoption agency at 2am one night!)