Found my half brother on myheritage - dad won't talk about it

[Namechan542383488]

Hi all, my dad bought me a DNA test kit as a birthday present this year. I did it and found out I have a half brother. Found him online and he looks a lot like my dad and me. I've messaged him a few times, but he hasn't responded.

I've tried to talk to my dad, who won't speak about it and has gone silent on the matter as if it hasn't happened.

I'm 39, brother is 49, lived in London and lives abroad now. No one in the family knows and I think my dad hasn't had contact with him but who knows. I know nothing else.

I'm feeling p*ed off that I've found out via a dna test kit and no one will talk about it.

Also wondering whether I should contact brother again, as I would like to have a relationship with him. If he didn't want that, I'm aware that I would absolutely have to respect that.

Sorry you're experiencing this mind fuck.

If your dad bought you the DNA test, I would guess he didn't know either and is just as shell shocked by this as you are. Surely if he had known you had a half sibling out there somewhere he wouldn't have given you a DNA test as a gift.

I think the fact your half brother hasn't replied means he probably doesn't want to be involved and I think you need to respect that. I wouldn't be messaging him again and you don't want him to start feeling harassed. Remember this will be a lot for him to take in as well.

I can completely understand you wanting this. I have an adult child with a half sibling he is aware of but has never met. He occasionally toys with the idea of making contact.

But

Also wondering whether I should contact brother again, as I would like to have a relationship with him. If he didn't want that, I'm aware that I would absolutely have to respect that.

No, I don't think you should make contact again.

You've already done so "a few times" and he hasn't replied. He is making it quite clear that he doesn't want a relationship and so now is the time to respect that.

Doesn't it depend how often he checks the Ancestry website or whatever it is?

Don't know exactly how many messages you've sent or how far apart

What a minefield

Did your Dad know about your half brother? He might be as surprised as you.

If he knew about him, giving you a DNA kit and then refusing to discuss the outcome would be a strange thing to do.

As for your half-brother, you must respect his feelings and privacy. He might have been brought up by a man he thought was his natural father. If he has a loving and functional family, he might understandly, want nothing to do with strangers just because they share his DNA.

Well your Dad should know that sometimes when you break eggs you get chickens…. The assumption is that this child is his, not your mother’s right? (I assume it states that it’s on your paternal side.)

Assuming she contacted him on SM.
I think it was a reckless thing to do. For all we know, the brother could have been blissfully unaware that his parent(s) is not a biological one and now OP opened a can of worms in another family. It's not even a given that he is her dad's son. He could have been abandoned by OP's mum and was under closed adoption... such a silly thing to do to message a stranger with this without considering what impact it may have on them.

I think the fact he’s ignoring you is something you need to respect. So stop messaging him.

and I’d agree with the others, if your dad bought you the kit then it is unlikely he knew.

The only reason I'd say to make contact with him again is because of what happened to a friend.

She did a DNA test ages ago, gleaned some info from it and never logged in again.

During the pandemic, we were talking about my DNA results and she wanted to show me her ethnicity results, so logged back in after years to see a message from an aunt (parents sibling). Apparently the aunt had done her test quite recently, found my friend and messaged her there and on Facebook (it went to the request folder she didn't even know she had).

For that reason, in a similar situation, I'd do something that I knew 100% they'd received if I decided to make contact.

If your dad won't speak about it then you don't know whether he knew or not. I'd guess not, it's his fault you found out.

Re. contact. Are you reasonably sure the contact you've tried will have been received? If not you could get a recorded letter delivered saying something very relaxed and mentioning that you won't contact him again if you don't hear back then leave it up to him.

It would be useful to know whether your dad was aware before you initiate contact. 'Dad says he didn't know' is an easier message than all the other options.

Also is it definitely a paternal match? No chance your mum has a secret baby when young which was adopted? That would also account for your dad's silence.

If neither your half brother nor Dad want to engage with you then you really have no choice to drop it

As a PP said, your half brother may have grown up with a father figure in his life and not been aware that this person was not his biological father

Your Dad may or may not have been aware of your half brother's existence but if he doesn't want to discuss it then I think you have to respect that

I’m late 40s.

If a half sibling I never knew I had contacted me out of the blue, I would ignore it. My dad was a cheater, so it could easily happen. I don’t think I’d want to see someone just because I shared DNA with them.

I think it’s very different in a parent/child situation. I think the parent owes the child answers. But half sibling - innocent IMO, nothing owed to anyone.

My friend had this happen (although the sneaky father had known) - she was about 38 and a half sister of about 25 contacted her. Initially they got on fine, as you would, but then it was just weird and difficult.

I had this with a dna test a couple of years ago, found out my grandad wasn't my real one and where our family originally came from, was a shock but interesting! As with you some family won't discuss it, odd really, I think it's everyone's right to know where they come from or if they have siblings regardless of who will be upset.

If you had a DIFFERENT email address for the brother, I might give it one last chance on that. Lots of people have old, inactive email accounts and it may be that you have been repeatedly emailing me via an account he no longer uses.

However, if you intend to email him again on the same account, I agree with PP - a definite no. Otherwise you are simply spamming someone whose silence is telling you he doesn't want contact. He's entitled not to engage.

The reason you found him is because he had also logged his DNA, which means he was potentially looking to find something, so I would try once more to contact him and perhaps assume he didn't see the previous message.

Also, why did your dad get you a DNA kit? Was it perhaps because he was a bit lax with his sperm donation when younger and wanted to know if he'd produced any more kids?

Someone I know (mid 50s) once told me that he'd never use a DNA database in case he'd fathered some kids in his late teens/early 20s. He said he didn't like using condoms and would just get really drunk and have sex in public toilets etc...!!! I pointed out that his son might get a DNA test one day and find he has lots of half siblings!

Your dad might not have known anything about it. This half sibling might be the result of a one night stand.

You’ve already attempted contacting with your half brother. I would leave it at that, although I sympathise with your frustration.

Why on earth would your father give you a DNA kit if he knew there was a half sibling out there??

Neither of them want to revisit the past. They have their reasons and you need to respect that.

If your dad was the one who bought you the kit, that suggests he was unaware of the existence of this child. Your half-brother, similarly, may not have known his parentage, but may have grown up thinking someone else was his father. You can have no idea, and the way you’ve gone crashing around in other people’s sensibilities just because of your own curiosity is exactly why people are so wary of these kits, which can cause total mayhem in people’s lives. Control your curiosity. Your father is choosing not to talk about it, and your half-brother has chosen not to respond to multiple messages. Respect that.

This

I logged on and found messages from years ago. It could be he just hasn't had a notification.

Assuming it was an unplanned child, very different views were common in 1975 than would be the case today. Quite possible your dad would not want to talk about it.

The fact your father bought you the DNA kit would imply that he didn’t know he had another child.

Similarly your half brother almost certainly didn’t know he had a half sister.

Personally I think these DNA kits are awful for so many reasons, but if some random person contacted me out of the blue saying they were my half sibling, I would think that either, I had been betrayed by not knowing who my parents were, or that I was being contacted by some kind of weird stalker.

Either way there is nothing positive which can come from this.

Clearly he doesn’t want to know, so you need to let it go.

Imho, you had no right to contact this person and throw him this curve-ball without trying discuss it with you father.
How did you not consider the devastation you may have caused?
Unbelievable

Are you sure it's a father you share with this person, and not a mother?

I found out differently, and actively searched for my half-brother for nearly 20 years on and off. I then found where he worked on the internet and sent a letter. Didn’t hear anything so thought ok, he’s not interested, got to accept this, but I tried. Nearly a year after the letter a woman added me on Facebook - turns out she’s a half-sister I didn’t know about. She just needed time before she contacted me. So I wouldn’t push any further, he might be just as shocked as it might have turned his world upside down.