Found my half brother on myheritage - dad won't talk about it

[Namechan542383488]

Hi all, my dad bought me a DNA test kit as a birthday present this year. I did it and found out I have a half brother. Found him online and he looks a lot like my dad and me. I've messaged him a few times, but he hasn't responded.

I've tried to talk to my dad, who won't speak about it and has gone silent on the matter as if it hasn't happened.

I'm 39, brother is 49, lived in London and lives abroad now. No one in the family knows and I think my dad hasn't had contact with him but who knows. I know nothing else.

I'm feeling p*ed off that I've found out via a dna test kit and no one will talk about it.

Also wondering whether I should contact brother again, as I would like to have a relationship with him. If he didn't want that, I'm aware that I would absolutely have to respect that.

OP, what a weird thing for your dad to give you a test if there was a possibility he had fathered other children. It's surely quite an unusual thing for a dad to give his daughter - I wonder what his thought process was.

I agree you need to drop it. He may have had a reason to test at the time but has now moved on. Contacting randomly via social media is overstepping, but via the site ok. If he wants to find out more he can but there may be good reason holding him back now.

What sort of social media did you send the message on? Can you see if it has been read? Could well have gone into 'message requests' if on Facebook for example and not been seen.

Are you sure he's seen your messages?

If it was on Facebook, I find it's harder to ensure your messages definitely get seen if you're sending them to someone who isn't a Facebook friend. It puts them in a separate inbox.

I agree it seems very odd to buy your child a DNA test if you know you’ve got a secret child too.
Could your father have donated to a sperm bank and forgotten about it?!

Are you sure its your fathers child and not your mothers? I know you’ve said you all look similar but my friends child is the spit of his father, and paternal grandfather - but is actually the result of IVF with donated eggs and sperm, so no DNA between any of them, but looks wise you would have no doubts if you didn’t know the heritage.

I hate these tests. OP’s story is why I believe nobody should be able to have any sort of DNA testing without proper counselling beforehand.

Harsh. What about the OP’s feelings in all of this?

This all over.

I don't think he would have done a test if he wasn't open in principle to finding unknown family members. That's literally why you do them, although he may mainly have been expecting family tree connections rather than a half-sibling.

I would not necessarily assume that he's seen your messages, although if you only sent them recently he may be taking a bit of time to get his head around the new reality, so I also wouldn't assume he's horrified/uninterested.

I think it's shoddy of your dad to refuse to discuss it. If he's feeling shocked, then how does he imagine you're feeling?

I'd be thrilled to find some long lost family btw, and it's probably the only motivation for me to do a DNA test as I regard them as data mills really. But just to say this would definitely not be devastating for everyone.

I wasn't thinking she should ask her dad's permission, more to speak to him to see if he could verify the situation, or if he knew anything about his son, and could this revalation be harmful if he did know about him?
Appreciate that many, upon finding out they have a half-sibling, would want to meet this extra member of their family; however, they often fail to consider the circumstances and ramifications of this need to satisfy their curiosity.
Also, just because you share dna does not mean you have to, or will, get on!

This is why I have avoided these tests, although I have been curious. I am pretty certain I have a half brother out there - dad was a serial philanderer.

I suspect your Dad either didn't really understand how these sites work, or had no clue he had a child out there. In which case, he's probably feeling very shocked too. I'd give him some time, then try to talk to him again in a few months.

The person I feel for most is your half brother. It's possible that he's just found out that the person he thought was his Dad, isn't his Dad. This could blow his family apart. Don't contact him again, unless he reaches out to you first.

I would maybe try the brother again in a few years, but give him some space for now. Sorry OP.

The half brother, if he tested first, would have already worked out is paternal line and would know who it isn't (adopted parent, bloke who had no idea). Therefore it is hardly a bombshell for My Heritage to reveal a very high cM match.
Give it time OP. The DNA Facebook groups are full of similar situations and often contact is established.

I don't think he would have done a test if he wasn't open in principle to finding unknown family members. That's literally why you do them

I would have thought that most people do them to finding out heritage and family background e g 60%Scottish, 40% Botswanan and so on, rather than expecting to find existing family.

I wouldn't automatically assume that just because you look like your dad it means he definitely is your father. If your mum is still alive, ask her if there is a possibility that it could be someone else.

I’d say it’s highly possible that the half brother isn’t the one whose father isn’t their father.

It’s quite possible that the OP isn’t her father’s child. Just because she thinks she looks like someone, doesn’t mean they’re genetically linked. I’ve known of adopted children where they’ve been told they look just like their parent by someone who didn’t know they were adopted.

The father may not have known. May be try contacting the half sibling's wife or children as they might be more open to discussions. However do not persist as you have no right to keep contacting him if he doesn't want contact.

I did a test (and my family tree) and was pleased to see it shows I am the child of both my parents which I never doubted but as my DNA is in the relatives on both sides who did the same test it proves that and those of my children who have done one are immediately connected to me - so no switching at birth for someone else's baby (although that would have been quite hard for the one who was born at home as no other baby to muddle him up).

Gosh even Jeremy Kyle provided aftercare...

Matching DNA is probably more common than we'd think. Does it mean I'd want to meet some random stranger on it's basis? No!

OP just sending you best wishes at a time of difficult dealings x

Isn't this why people do DNA tests, so they can enjoy all the drama? Sorry but I am so against these things they cause nothing but trouble and grief for people. If you went looking for trouble don't be surprised to find it.

Do you have DNA matches to both of your parents OP?

I'd be asking for proof that my father was my bio father. You say you look alike, but sometimes we see what we want to see.

Fair enough, I'd feel the oppossite though. Would be happy to meet them.