Found my half brother on myheritage - dad won't talk about it

[Namechan542383488]

Hi all, my dad bought me a DNA test kit as a birthday present this year. I did it and found out I have a half brother. Found him online and he looks a lot like my dad and me. I've messaged him a few times, but he hasn't responded.

I've tried to talk to my dad, who won't speak about it and has gone silent on the matter as if it hasn't happened.

I'm 39, brother is 49, lived in London and lives abroad now. No one in the family knows and I think my dad hasn't had contact with him but who knows. I know nothing else.

I'm feeling p*ed off that I've found out via a dna test kit and no one will talk about it.

Also wondering whether I should contact brother again, as I would like to have a relationship with him. If he didn't want that, I'm aware that I would absolutely have to respect that.

Your Dad's gift has really backfired on him hasn't it?! I agree that he must not have known, if he really is a half-sibling.

My friend got a notification of a new family member on Ancestry and it came back saying that they were potentially a cousin or a half-sibling. They couldn't be certain based on the limitations of samples. Does yours say definitely half sibling?

In my friend's case it turned out to be a half-sibling. My friend knew she was adopted, but knew her birth mother all her life too. Turns out birth mum had another baby when my friend was about 10 and no-one knew anything about him!

Blimey that present backfired spectacularly on your Dad. I bet he wishes he stuck to John Lewis vouchers.

That is incredibly poor advice. If the half-sibling has chosen not to respond to repeated messages from the OP, contacting his wife or children, who may know nothing at all about the situation, would be an incredibly shit-stirring and insensitive thing to do. Essentially ‘Hey, I’m not prepared to respect a newly-discovered half-sibling’s desire not to be in touch with me, so I’m going to try to weasel in via the back door’.

Agreed. It’s spectacularly bad advice.

That’s why I did it. Then found a load of half cousins who shouldn’t have existed 🙈. So my grandad wasn’t my grandad.

Absolutely. Please, please, please DO NOT do this.

I would be furious if my half-sibling did that. I've refused any contact with her and if she ever dared to contact any member of my family I'd be straight down the solicitors for a "cease and desist" order.

A half sibling should be able to contact other members of their biological family even if you don’t want contact yourself - each relative needs to be able to make their own decision.

It's a big life shock to get but I think once the cat's out of the bag, it has to be explored. Obviously not hy harassing someone ehonis not responding..
But I don't really understand those who refuse all contact. It doesn't have to be the start of an ongoing relationship.

I suspect that eventually, OP will hear back from the half-sibling.

Lots of people dabble in the DNA/ancestry thing for a bit, following a gift - many will use a secondary email account for it so they don't recieve loads of spam... and then forget about it.

The fact he has his DNA on there, has done the test and so on, suggests he does have an interest to some degree, so the people whanging on about how he doesn't want to know, it's an intrusion etc to contact him are talking shite. If he had no interested, didn't want to know, he would not be on the site, OP would not have found him as he'd not have done a test.

As for 'I know for certain I have no half siblings' ... how exactly? You were an immaculate conception?

That is impossible for you to know, only your parents could know and they may not know - my Dad split up with a girlfriend who, unknown to him, was pregnant (she turned down his proposal and dumped him without saying a word). She disappeared to France after having the child adopted, he didn't find out for 30 years!

Could the reason be your father not wanting to discuss the situation is that HE is not your biological father? He may have thought he was BUT the situation is scary for him as now he knows he is not biologically related to you?

Giving someone a DNA test gift is a pretty fucking edgy thing to do if you're not 100% convinced you are their father!

OP - I am an adoptee and would be the 'found' person in this situation.
You've done nothing wrong by reaching out the way you did. There are loads of groups online if you find you need support on this and there is no real 'consensus' about the right and wrong way to go about it. Driving up to the person's doorstep? 30-50% or more on a given day might say go for it. You can't know, but be reassured you've gone in at the discreet end of things. You can't be much more discreet apart from pretending you don't exist. People should read the small print when they take these tests.

But I don't really understand those who refuse all contact. It doesn't have to be the start of an ongoing relationship.* it’s personal preference.

I absolutely would want nothing to do with any stranger who crawled out of the woodwork saying they were my half sibling. Blood is meaningless if you don’t have a relationship.

I remember watching that episode of long lost family where some woman thought she might have been switched at birth, and they traced the person she’d been switched with and dropped a bombshell into her life when she was in her 70’s, and told her essentially that her whole life was a lie, that her siblings weren’t her siblings, and that her parents weren’t her parents. Despicable IMO.

The woman who wanted to know if she’d been switched at birth had the right to know that she wasn’t her parents’ biological child, but IMO the search should have stopped there. She didn’t have the right to upend someone else’s life like that. And the programme should never have become involved.*

I actually agree, even as an adoptee. I have met birth family and while some are perfectly pleasant and have been nice to get to know, it's absolutely not the same as the family I grew up with. Also - I saw that Long Lost Family show. Dreadful.

Not that I am critical of the OP. There really isn't any right answer here.

I complained to ofcom about that show. It’s the only time I ever have.

This advice is often given on the DNA Facebook groups. It's unreal. People are all about their 'rights.'

Respectfully, being an adoptee who knows they are an adoptee is a completely different situation. A biological sibling getting in touch isn’t dropping a bombshell on you. The equivalent would be if you had never been told you were n’ your parents’ biological child, or it turned out that your biological parents were your aunt/uncle or family friends, and this had been kept from you, and someone figured this out via a DNA test and contacted you out of the blue to tell you.

I did not mean that my situation was equivalent to the 'found' sibling but that people in the world I occupy, who are seeking birth parents/family, deal with these situations on the regular and her approach was not invasive in that context.

I have birth siblings I have never contacted - I would not do that personally unless they were on a DNA site (they are not currently.)

If they are - meh, read the small print.

I found my mother’s real father using People Location (a private investigator) in London. She never knew her father, my grandmother was silent on that matter.

it turned out she had 3 half siblings- 2 of them
never wanted to know and the other one did.

The investigator acted as a mediator between our two families and respectfully asked if they wanted contact. I found that to be the best way, it can be emotionally difficult to come to terms with on both sides.

Sorry you have found out this way, I hope you get some sort of response from your half brother.

Of course you messaged him why ok earth wouldn’t you. Is it possible he hasn’t checked his account. As for your Dad it sounds like he didn’t know. Good luck OP I hope you get to speak to him

That that that.

gosh he must be absolutely shocked!!! As much you are! I bet he doesn’t want to talk about it…say what anyway.

Dear op. Be mindful of your dad’s feelings 🌺

Has your brother definitely read the message? I've had people reply to my messages after a year or more because people don't check it that often!
Also, if he isn't replying on my heritage have you tried ancestry or 23andme?
Are there any other connections you share in common that might lead you to more information about him?

I don't see that you have done anything wrong. I'm sorry your dad won't give you more information.

You messaged him and now it's up to him to get back to you.
I had the same type of situation about a year ago.
I've had my DNA results for a few years, but last fall I got an email from a person who showed as being a 1st or 2nd cousin.
So in doing some research from this person I discovered that I have a 1/2 sister and brother. So I found my sister on Facebook and sent her a message just saying that I thought we were related. It took a couple months before she replied .
We messaged back and forth for a bit then exchanged phone numbers.
I explained that we were sisters.
She then called her mom and brother to ask about me. Turned out all my dads siblings knew about me, but the children were never told.
I met them this past summer we are a lot alike in several and plan on keeping in touch.
So give him time to answer and keep trying to get your dad to talk. Do you have aunts or uncles on his side you could talk to?
To all those saying you could stir up trouble. I think that is the chance you take when you do these tests. DNA does tend to clear out the skeletons in the closet.