Found my half brother on myheritage - dad won't talk about it

[Namechan542383488]

Hi all, my dad bought me a DNA test kit as a birthday present this year. I did it and found out I have a half brother. Found him online and he looks a lot like my dad and me. I've messaged him a few times, but he hasn't responded.

I've tried to talk to my dad, who won't speak about it and has gone silent on the matter as if it hasn't happened.

I'm 39, brother is 49, lived in London and lives abroad now. No one in the family knows and I think my dad hasn't had contact with him but who knows. I know nothing else.

I'm feeling p*ed off that I've found out via a dna test kit and no one will talk about it.

Also wondering whether I should contact brother again, as I would like to have a relationship with him. If he didn't want that, I'm aware that I would absolutely have to respect that.

Are you sure he’s a half sibling? The relationships the DNA sites give you are estimates. For example the range of cMs for half siblings overlaps with the range for 1st cousins. You can put in the number if cMs you match with this person into this tool and check the possible relationships here:

https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4

The fact that this person hasn’t responded means nothing. A lot of people don’t check their messages. It’s very very common for people not to respond for months, if at all. And remember that he could have done DNA just for the ethnicity estimates, because he wanted to meet other relatives, because he had suspicions about his heritage/doesn’t know who his dad is, or because he does genealogy. So may never look at My Heritage again after getting his ethnicity. Lots of people also don’t understand how DNA matches work and think it may not be accurate.

If you want to find out more about this person/other ways of contacting him, there are ways of doing that. There are also loads and loads of groups on Facebook that help with genetic genealogy (some of which have volunteer “search angels” that might be able to help you). But those groups would be a good place to start in understanding what to do with matches and how you can progress from here including what resources you can access to learn more. Note that some groups don’t cover searches for living people so be aware of that when reviewing groups to join. All the groups will help with resources and techniques.

I am firmly of the opinion that everyone is entitled to know where they came from and have the opportunity to know their blood relatives should they both wish to. Contacting someone should be done sensitively of course, but I don’t ever think the correct course of action is to not attempt contact (unless you don’t want to of course). It’s not up to your dad (unless you want it to be) whether you make contact with your possible half-brother; he’s your relation and you are both entitled to a relationship should you both want one. If someone says that they don’t want contact, then you of course respect that, as I am sure you would anyway.

If he is a half brother, there are also lots of possible options here, not just infidelity - previous relationship (your father may not have known about a child), sperm donation, adoption etc etc.

I’ve just listened to a great podcast which you may be interested in. It’s called Inconceivable Truth. I think you’ll find it interesting.

Best of luck.

No, they send you an email when there is a match. I have found hundreds of distant relatives, but mainly 4th and 5th cousins. I did get an email about a second cousin a couple of weeks ago, so I might send her a message. The only others are a cousin (who got me into this in the first place) and my two adult DCs.

At least on Ancestry it is quite hard to spot the messages and most people don't get replies to messages they send. I've seen several threads about this. So I don't think the lack of a reply means anything; he probably didn't see the message.

Those emails often go into Junk. They do for me, so I usually don't notice such messages and nor do a lot of people.

But then if you don't want find relatives, you don't get your DNA tested! You may not necessarily want to respond to any relatives who message you, and that is your right, but you know that you might find relatives you weren't previously aware of.

"such a silly thing to do to message a stranger with this without considering what impact it may have on them."

What are people supposed to do, look but don't touch and nobody ever message anybody on the site even though it'll be clear on registration that that is a big feature of the site? If half sib can't stand the heat he should've stayed out of the DNA matching kitchen, and if OPs dad can't stand the heat he should've stayed out of the DNA gifting kitchen.
I'd leave it for now as he'll get the messages if/when he eventually logs in again, the ball is in his court.

Not necessarily. My aunt and I had our DNA tested because my grandfather was orphaned in the war and we wanted to know his heritage (as in the region of the world he may have come from) rather than any relatives. Also nothing is known about my paternal grandfather except for his name and now I also know where in the world he comes from. Neither myself nor my aunt are interested in any relatives beyond any connections that can tell us about our ancestors 4 generations back. We certainly didn't set out to test our DNA in order to find some stray siblings.

But if the half sibling has no idea his father isn’t who he thinks it is, he can have no idea there’s any heat to be withstood. He is given a DNA test kit for Christmas, and does it for fun, thinking he might discover a great-great-grandparent from somewhere unexpected.

Obviously these discoveries were also possible before DNA kits. Someone I know discovered in her 20s that the woman she’d grown up thinking of as her mother was in fact her grandmother, and her biological mother was her older sister, who’d got pregnant at fifteen, when her mother was in her 40s, but still just about plausible to ‘hide’ the baby within the family by passing it off as a surprise menopause baby.

They're allowed to contact the people they're related to if they are adults.

You can turn that feature off.

You also have the ability - on Ancestry at least - to "hide" your DNA test from public view, so that people you match with can't see that you are related to them and how closely. This accommodates the people who only want to know their ethnicity estimate and aren't interested in finding relatives.

However, lots of people don't bother to understand how Ancestry/MyHeritage work and what other users will see, but that is not the fault of the website.

Honestly - no one is saying these tests aren't a can of worms.

But there is no way to know who knows what. For all I know my birth mother's children know about me and would welcome me contacting them but are afraid I don't know I'm adopted!

People have different risk appetites here in terms of outcome.

And if someone gives you something asking for your DNA/data - find out more about it before you do it?!

DH has an older daughter who everyone says looks like him, but she's also the double of her mother and the other potential paternity candidate, who has dark hair and blue eyes.

As you've already messaged him, I'd leave the ball in his court in regard to responding to you.

I've always been in 2 minds about using these DNA sites. My dad has never talked much about his family, though he took an interest in tracking family tree for a time. However my mum told me that he had a teenage romance that ended when the girl became pregnant (both about 16-17) but the family moved the girl away (I imagine due to the "shame" of teenage pregnancy in the 60's maybe). My dad was not allowed to be involved.
So I know I have a half-sibling out there somewhere.

As much as I'd be interested in doing some digging into it, I have no idea how my dad would react if I did make contact with them & they possibly wanted contact with him or other family. I don't want to risk disrupting other people's lives to settle my own curiousity. Sometimes the past is best left alone.

What was the reason your Dad got you a DNA kit for your Birthday. It's a bit of a strange present if you had no concerns of parentage or anything.

Did your Dad know he had another child?

If you've contacted your half sibling & they've not yet answered I'd leave it & hope they get in touch. It really depends on the circumstances of his birth parents history, his upbringing, health queries etc as to whether he'll want to get in touch or have a relationship with you. It could drag up a lot of emotional upset for his Mum or him so I'd be respectful & leave it until he decides to contact you.

That's fair enough, and I understand why you did it, but you need to be prepared for messages from distant relatives. Whether or not you respond is up to you. I am sure situations as described by the OP happen fairly frequently!

Everyone should think carefully before doing a DNA test.
Especially parents.
There are many surprises.
I suspect that 1 grandparent may not be a grandparent of mine.
And the same on my DH s side.

Which means many cousins might now just he half cousins. And uncles and aunts are half uncles aunts.

It can be hard finding out.

No one thinks it happens in their family. But it's common.

Thanks. I didn't know that, but I am always pleased when they email me with a match as I find it very interesting.