DP friends with people much younger, then “hanging out” in her room

[Blinkandgone]

Hi all, my DP is 26, I’m 30. In a lot of ways he seems a lot younger than me, for example I have a 3 year old, he has no children. Our lives are also just very different, he lives in a zone 1 house share while I’m out in Essex with my own little house. We’ve been together 6 months and increasingly it feels like it won’t last.
Heres the latest situation, his workplace has taken on a few degree apprentices and grads this year, there’s only maybe 40 people in his office and they are all quite social. Until lately his friends from work have been younger but not by much think around 23-25. However he’s now befriended 2 of the degree apprentices who are 18 and 19 and a grad who’s 21. It feels odd to me that he’s friends with people who are barely adults but it’s the nature of his office so okay.
On Thursday a group of them went drinking after work, he and one other were older guys 26 and 29, then a bunch of younger girls at 24,24,22,21,19 and 18. The other guy is dating one of the girls so that didn’t seem as weird but to me it was odd he was with these much younger girls.
Then on Friday he was chatting to me and he was telling me how one of these girls must me super rich, I was like how do you even know? And he told me that the work drinks stopped at 8, they got a cab back to hers, he waited in her room while she got changed, then they walked back a little more central and got more drinks - she’s 18!! In fact I found her instagram she’s barely been 18 3 months!!
It’s so odd to me that he was just sat on some 18 year olds bed at her parents home while she got changed then went for drinks with her alone! And that’s on top of the being friends with all the much younger girls.

AIBU to think it’s weird? He thinks I’m making it weird and he was just drinking with a friend but she’s a child more or less!

So why are you with him, you said in your OP you’re lives are very different?

It’s still early, I enjoy his company. It’s becoming more obvious it won’t be long term but I’m happy to have fun as long as we aren’t hurting each other.

If he goes out with the 25+ people he can’t exclude the -25 people really, he could, or might think he could get into trouble at work discriminating against people being invited on work nights out based on age.

I can’t comment on the bedroom part because I don’t know the dynamics, how it happened, the woman’s situation etc but if you’re not comfortable with that kind of thing then you need to either tell him and ask him not to do it again and see what he says or tell him he’s not for you.

Ask yourself if he’d have done this with an 18-year-old boy. Seriously doubt it.

This is a very strange dynamic isn’t it. Older males with younger females- used to not be so unusual when I was in my teens but I think that things are viewed differently now. Not always but often the younger person is impressed by the older one. They are still learning about themselves and establishing their own boundaries. If the older person has lax boundaries themselves it is a recipe for disaster.

Hmm not long term and apparently not exclusive. I would just make sure your contraception was watertight and don't have him stay over when you have your son.

Well we are meant to be exclusive so I hope he’s not cheating!

Another question is why you are in a relationship with a man whose lifestyle you disapprove of so much. Especially when you have a young son at home . Hopefully they don’t spend enough time together for the child to get attached.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with socialising with work colleagues of any age really, whether they are 65 or 18.

I do think though you are just not compatible. He’s younger and not only that but he is still really in his fun/selfish/living life for himself days, which is fine, but does make his life very different to yours.

So the fact that you are older than him is fine, but him being friends with people about the same age gap younger than him is weird…..?

you just sound like you are at very different life stages, and aren’t compatible.

I think you're being optimistic here. He's young, in the city, with 18 year old girls who want to impress him.

You're spending your nights instagramming girls he's been out with.

Cut ties now before you spend all your time stressing about this. Find someone local and at the same life stage.

I think you need a new partner with a more similar lifestyle.

I mean it’s 4years vs 8 years?

I would not be comfortable with a 26 year old man I didnt know sitting in my daughters bedroom.while she got changed. I woukd presume he went there when they were out. She may have thought it was cool and innocent ( my ds is nearly 17 and has quite a few platonic female friendships, so maybe she doesn't think anything of it and she's very young so a 26 year old is probably like an old msn to her!) but I doubt a 26 year old man was doing anything but perving on a teenage girl getting dressed. Yuk.

It’s less about years here and more about stage of life really.

He’s probably got a lot more in common lifestyle wise with an 18/19 year old who’s out partying after work and on the weekends than he has with a 30 year old who has a house and child.

I don’t pick my friends based on their age, don’t think anybody does, it’s about shared interests and having things in common.

Id be ending it now before anyone gets hurt. It's only going to get worse.

Unless you are happy he's using you for sex and nothing else.

Doesn't sound like it will work out?

So you get on well but he's in a different phase of life.

You said you may not be that serious but you want exclusivity and that may not be happening.

What did he say about why he went out just with her for drinks?

I'd have no problem with the hanging out in a group or working together, but it seems to cross a line to invite a younger female he doesn't know well for drinks alone if he's in a relationship, and hanging out in her bedroom is a bit intimate.

So to me it's not really the age that's the issue, it's the potential cheating. Although age does complicate things in terms of the dynamic - he needs to be careful he doesn't open himself up to being seen as predatory on the workplace.

He claimed it was originally going to be them + one of the 24 year olds but the 24 year old went home got changed and just never came back.
He claims he just enjoys her company and it’s totally platonic, views her like a little sister, enjoys her chaos etc etc.

You are at completely different life stages, he isn’t really doing anything ‘wrong’ as such. He is still in the do what you want, when you want stage and only has himself to consider. Which is completely different to your life. Depends what you want really, if you’re looking to settle down, it doesn't sound like he’s interested in that right now.

Tbh, I personally couldn't be with a man 4 years younger than me, it's very well known men are extremely immature, never mind one 4 years younger than you when your at completely different stages of life. I also think him being in an 18 years olds bedroom in her parents house while she's getting changed to go back out is very weird

Unless he's REALLY into kids, I don't think you can compete with the single lifestyle. They'll all be having fun, drinking, holidaying, splashing cash. Whilst you're thinking about your son, your bills, your family etc.

I can't see it has staying power, he wants an exciting life, hence living in zone 1.

I also can't imagine it'll stay fun for you for long. It's not fun being with someone who wants different things and I think that'll become apparent soon. I'd make sure you keep your options open and withdraw contact from your child if he has already met them.

Given that the male brain/emotiond develop slower than those of females, your 4 year age gap is more a 7-8 year gap. Plus you have had to mature as you have a child.
This relationsship should be fun, because given the variables, it is unlikely to be 'exclusive', particularly as you don't live together.
Lower your expectations of this one, and just have fun. Not a keeper, too much of a tiddler!

Yes that majorly weird.

I'd end it now.

I can't believe people are somehow making this your issue.

You've done nothing wrong.

I'm not one of those who doesn't believe in platonic friendship. However, I think on the workplace you do need an eye on how things look.

Also, that made me laugh because when I was in my early 20s I remember an occasion when 2 work colleagues and myself were going to carry on after drinks, and at the last minute one pulled out leaving me alone with the other. In that case it was a very deliberate setting us up move because she knew I liked him (and it worked, he is now my DH). So he might want to think about why the 24 year old didn't show. Do they know that the 18 year old has a crush on him? Or maybe they knew they'd feel like a 'third wheel'.