Page 9 | To have shouted at a stranger at the pool?

Fullmooncomfort · 2024-10-27T23:08:08+00:00

I’m still mulling this over so needed some opinions from you wise owls. The fact I’m still thinking about it makes me think I probably did the wrong thing 😖 scenario: busy pool today with Dd8 and her friend, we had just into a family cubicle to change after a nice swim. Changing rooms were busy and in high demand which is normal for weekend family swim time. We’d been in there for a couple of mins (so just at the stage I’m half dressed with dripping wet hair and the girls are wrapped up in towels slowly starting to dry off). The door to the cubicle gets banged on really loudly so I ignored it assuming someone had the wrong cubicle. However when it happened again really loudly I said “it’s occupied, won’t be too long” and the person on the other side started shouting about a jacket and rattling the door. The knocking and rattling of the door continued and got louder and this girls started to get upset so I opened it a crack to say I think you’ve got the wrong cubicle, and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me saying I’d taken her cubicle and stolen her daughter’s jacket 🤷♀️I had to speak loudly as she was literally just ranting and I said I think you have the wrong cubicle, it’s me and 2 girls and we are changing so please step away and you are welcome to come in when we are done but there’s nothing it in apart from our stuff. She then put her hand on the door and continued to shout about a jacket, saying she needed to come in and check as I had clearly moved her clothes out of it and stolen the cubicle and jacket. I finally lost my temper and shouted back (I know that was wrong but it was awful, the girls were upset and she had her hand on the door so I couldn’t shut and lock it) and she started really yelling at me. I didn’t know what to do so asked loudly if security was around (lots of wide eyed parents standing who did nothing but not a lifeguard in sight as they were poolside and no security as they of course would normally have no reason to patrol a kids changing area) She then screamed that I was racist and she was calling security on me for theft 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️and walked off, so I went back in to reassure the girls, having locked the door. Next thing I know a lifeguard of about 17 who looked confused knocked on the door and said a lady had come to complain that her daughter’s expensive jacket had been stolen and I had been racist towards her. I felt really upset (I think just shock) and managed to wobble out the above story and that I was finishing getting the girls ready and we would come out and she could check it for this jacket (that clearly wasn’t in there). Then a security guard arrived so it was chaotic at this point, it all got repeated and she said she would try and find the women. She came back after a few minutes to say she’d spoken to her and told her she should have been polite and waited for us to exit before going in to check if the coat was in there, but that she had denied raising her voice and said that I had been deliberately goading and obstructive and racist. I got quite upset and said I certainly wasn’t racist or goading and while I did stop her entering the cubicle it was only because the girls were naked and we had just started getting changed. She sort of shrugged and nodded and walked off and I gathered up my things and we left. I feel awful for having lost my temper and shouted at her and for security, which scared the girls more, but I simply lost my rag after repeated attempts to ask her to wait while we finished changing, and then she was so aggressive. I’ve had to explain to the girls what racist means and how It was nothing to do with race, but I’m mortified my DD and her friend saw me raise my voice and shout at her to move away from the civil cubicle. WWYHD in that situation? My gut tells me I handled it badly but it was all so sudden and intense and I think my fear turned into anger ☹️

User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 09:00

@Fullmooncomfort You absolutely should not have been in charge of somebody else's child at a swimming pool. That's really inappropriate to be in the same changing room with her. If she needs help then her parent should be with her. Would you be happy with your DD changing in a cubicle with her friend's father for instance?

applestrudels · 28/10/2024 09:01

Fullmooncomfort · 27/10/2024 23:15

Really? Thank you so much. I am beating myself up for shouting in front of the girls
which I never do and it scared them more at the time ☹️

You stuck up for yourself, and them. Well done. It will do them good to see how to stick up for themselves when necessary (which this was).

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:02

VictoriaSpungecake · 28/10/2024 08:55

Your kids saw you stoop to the same level as the woman who bothered you - and, from your description, even lower.

There are things that don't quite add up in your post. You say that you shouted at her and that after that she started really yelling, which makes it sound as though you escalated the screaming match, although you also say that she was shouting from the get-go, so which is it? When you say "loud" knocking on the door, well, all knocking is "loud" isn't it? It would have to be loud to be heard in a busy changing room, but you have written it as though the woman was aggressive from the get go.

Also, you write that she she accused you of clearing her effects out so that you could have the changing room AND of stealing them. Which was it, OP? Did she really say both? If so, she was making no sense.

A mother comes looking for her child's jacket and you react with "Fear" that turns into "anger" or rather rage. The woman is in your perception "aggressive" (you know that accusation gets hurled at black women all the time, don't you? Even the most mild mannered black woman can be perceived as a "threat" - I don't know if the other woman was "black" because you haven't said.)

Your gut is telling you that something was amiss with your reaction and, no matter how others on here will tell you differently I would urge you to listen to that. I would also urge you to be very honest with yourself about how it all played out and whether you were in fact the polite person you are trying to tell us that you are from the start because to me it really doesn't read that way. I would have told the woman that I've had a look and that I couldn't see a jacket and to ask security as they may have picked it up.

Stepping aside from the other woman's reactions for a minute (she no doubt would have another story to tell. Of course she would) this is about how you behaved and the kind of behaviour you want to model for your children.

Looking at yourself isn't about beating yourself up. It's just about calmly having a look and wondering if you could have done things differently. The people on here telling you that you behaved well aren't necessarily that helpful.

Are you Ok?

Justleaveitblankthen · 28/10/2024 09:02

Honestly OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong.

I have realised you need to find your anger with these sort of people.
I haul myself up to my full 5'0" height and tear them a new one these days.

I don't care if they are built like a brick shit house, 25 years younger or - often - male.
Match their attitude with your own and watch how quickly these bullies shrink away.
Racist indeed! How very original of her 🤨

MissTrip82 · 28/10/2024 09:02

I wish you hadn’t mentioned race. Naturally it’s drawn out all the racists who use terms like ‘playing the race card’. Including the poster who has apparently commonly been ‘screamed at’ for being ‘a racist bitch’ and who is, in fact, having an experience of life that would be extraordinary to most.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 28/10/2024 09:03

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/10/2024 08:39

Oh yes and @Justyouwaitandseeagain you are so quick to berate the OP for 'not seeing it from the other woman's perspective' yet go on to tell your story with absolutely no sympathy for the man and what was happening from his perspective?..

Really?! I list several reasons why he could have been angry and say that I've often wondered why. I suggest the heat of the pool, the adrenaline. I know how he made me feel but I don't know the reasons he became angry. It was a SEN swim session, so I suspect he was under pressure / stress and coping with a lot.

User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 09:03

@AutumnLeaves24 You cannot go round telling people that they're not entitled to their opinion just because it differs from yours. That's not how adulthood works. Especially not on a public forum where the OP has asked for opinions! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

DoorWindowManual · 28/10/2024 09:06

MissTrip82 · 28/10/2024 09:02

I wish you hadn’t mentioned race. Naturally it’s drawn out all the racists who use terms like ‘playing the race card’. Including the poster who has apparently commonly been ‘screamed at’ for being ‘a racist bitch’ and who is, in fact, having an experience of life that would be extraordinary to most.

QED🙄

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/10/2024 09:07

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:02

Are you Ok?

Show quote history

Exactly, what a long drawn out navel gazing way to say 'whatever you did op I'd find a condescending way to tell you how awful and wrong you were'!

Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 09:08

You all fiercely defend your right to use the term "race card" don't you?

Regarding false accusations of rape, yes I have come across them in the schools I've worked in. Of course I have - I've worked in schools for decades. Kids make stuff up, for a whole range of reasons. So, sometimes do adults. Didn't make me start thinking it was a widespread phenomenon for women to lie about rape, or appropriate for me to start talking about it as if it happened all the time.

But it sounds like none of you want to consider the possibility that your use of the term "race card" and the way you discuss this phenomenon might discourage genuine victims of racism from reporting their experience, or lead to genuine reports being dismissed.

Because it seems more important that you have the freedom to use this term you enjoy using. Even though, removing the word "race card" would not stop you genuinely identifying false accusations of racism and calling them out. Nobody has ever suggested you accept every single accusation of racism ever made as factual. Simply that you stop promulgating the myth that it is common for accusations of racism to be false.

But it's your word and you have the right to use it ....

And I don't know how to argue with that mindset.

Original poster

Fullmooncomfort · 28/10/2024 09:09

VictoriaSpungecake · 28/10/2024 08:55

Your kids saw you stoop to the same level as the woman who bothered you - and, from your description, even lower.

There are things that don't quite add up in your post. You say that you shouted at her and that after that she started really yelling, which makes it sound as though you escalated the screaming match, although you also say that she was shouting from the get-go, so which is it? When you say "loud" knocking on the door, well, all knocking is "loud" isn't it? It would have to be loud to be heard in a busy changing room, but you have written it as though the woman was aggressive from the get go.

Also, you write that she she accused you of clearing her effects out so that you could have the changing room AND of stealing them. Which was it, OP? Did she really say both? If so, she was making no sense.

A mother comes looking for her child's jacket and you react with "Fear" that turns into "anger" or rather rage. The woman is in your perception "aggressive" (you know that accusation gets hurled at black women all the time, don't you? Even the most mild mannered black woman can be perceived as a "threat" - I don't know if the other woman was "black" because you haven't said.)

Your gut is telling you that something was amiss with your reaction and, no matter how others on here will tell you differently I would urge you to listen to that. I would also urge you to be very honest with yourself about how it all played out and whether you were in fact the polite person you are trying to tell us that you are from the start because to me it really doesn't read that way. I would have told the woman that I've had a look and that I couldn't see a jacket and to ask security as they may have picked it up.

Stepping aside from the other woman's reactions for a minute (she no doubt would have another story to tell. Of course she would) this is about how you behaved and the kind of behaviour you want to model for your children.

Looking at yourself isn't about beating yourself up. It's just about calmly having a look and wondering if you could have done things differently. The people on here telling you that you behaved well aren't necessarily that helpful.

Well I came on here to get opinions as I was concerned I had reacted poorly in front of the kids by raising my voice and shouting, something I never do. I don’t think I’ve been inconsistent at all 🤷‍♀️she was rattling and banging on the door with increasing aggression despite me having called out to say it’s occupied, and thẹn I did end up shouting at her when she tried to stop me shutting the door after I’d opened it and stuck my top (dressed) half out to tell her to stop banging the door as I had kids in with me. it was certainly aggressive to bang on and rattle the door while shouting, and scared the kids. I wondered if I’d made it worse by eventually shouting back at her when reasonable requests for her to just wait had failed, and I’m still open to that but feel very reassured by others on here that in fact I taught the kids that sometimes, rarely but sometimes, you do have to shout back.
not sure why you put “fear” in quote marks - It’s how the kids and I both felt, mainly the kids. I associate shouting with losing your temper, something I try not to do in front of children so was wondering if I had done something different if it would have helped. I had told her several times I had no idea what she was talking about and to just wait, and she then tried to come in while the girls were still undressed!

OP posts:

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:10

Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 09:08

You all fiercely defend your right to use the term "race card" don't you?

Regarding false accusations of rape, yes I have come across them in the schools I've worked in. Of course I have - I've worked in schools for decades. Kids make stuff up, for a whole range of reasons. So, sometimes do adults. Didn't make me start thinking it was a widespread phenomenon for women to lie about rape, or appropriate for me to start talking about it as if it happened all the time.

But it sounds like none of you want to consider the possibility that your use of the term "race card" and the way you discuss this phenomenon might discourage genuine victims of racism from reporting their experience, or lead to genuine reports being dismissed.

Because it seems more important that you have the freedom to use this term you enjoy using. Even though, removing the word "race card" would not stop you genuinely identifying false accusations of racism and calling them out. Nobody has ever suggested you accept every single accusation of racism ever made as factual. Simply that you stop promulgating the myth that it is common for accusations of racism to be false.

But it's your word and you have the right to use it ....

And I don't know how to argue with that mindset.

Out of curiosity , how do you refer to an incident where someone is accused of being racist, when they were not being racist?

JLou08 · 28/10/2024 09:13

Sounds like an awful experience. Don't feel bad about your reaction, I think it was a natural reaction and most people would respond that way. The woman sounds awful.

FiddlyDiddlyDee · 28/10/2024 09:13

MissTrip82 · 28/10/2024 09:02

I wish you hadn’t mentioned race. Naturally it’s drawn out all the racists who use terms like ‘playing the race card’. Including the poster who has apparently commonly been ‘screamed at’ for being ‘a racist bitch’ and who is, in fact, having an experience of life that would be extraordinary to most.

Sorry but I grew up brown in the 70s, there's not a lot of people who have experienced more racism in this Country.

Who are you to tell me I'm racist for calling out people who have a victim mentality and blame everything on racism. I have had to work very hard not to have this identity, even though there are scores of white middle class people who would love nothing more than for me to identify as a downtrodden brown person.

And who's this other person on here who's telling me not to use this term 'race card', when I encounter far more people using it than I do racists.

You are playing the race card again, like people like you always do. I am attuned to it as I am racism.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2024 09:14

Fullmooncomfort · 28/10/2024 00:07

Well yes, It’s just a standard changing room in a large pool / leisure centre 🤷‍♀️not sure what’s hard to picture about it (not trying to be facetious I just don’t know how else to explain it, it’s a normal changing village in the UK 🤷‍♀️

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It's exactly the same at one near me

Why do people think that because they haven't seen it, it can't be true?

VictoriaSpungecake · 28/10/2024 09:15

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:02

Are you Ok?

Show quote history

Not really.

As soon as I read the title I wondered if race was involved - because of my own experiences of being shouted at by white women. But even so, I was surprised when op mentioned race in the post.

I have the experience of being shouted at when I have asked a simple question in a mild way. And everyone who sees the event sees an "aggressive" black woman not an aggressive white woman. Even if I have stood there and said nothing.

But I can't have anymore input on here because many of you are lucky enough never to have experienced this. And it's just too triggering to watch people not listen to what op is actually saying/asking.

fashionqueen0123 · 28/10/2024 09:15

A normal person would have waited for you to come out of the locker or knocked and said don’t suppose you’ve seen a jacket in there have you?
We’ve left stuff by accident before and just waited until the locker was vacated. Who even wants to steal a worn jacket. And if she left it there - it’s hardly theft if someone hasn’t taken it yet! She sounds crazy.

VictoriaSpungecake · 28/10/2024 09:17

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:10

Out of curiosity , how do you refer to an incident where someone is accused of being racist, when they were not being racist?

Show quote history

You've just done it.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2024 09:17

User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 09:00

@Fullmooncomfort You absolutely should not have been in charge of somebody else's child at a swimming pool. That's really inappropriate to be in the same changing room with her. If she needs help then her parent should be with her. Would you be happy with your DD changing in a cubicle with her friend's father for instance?

What the heck is wrong with you?

Mothers the world over have done and are doing this, and fathers when it's boys.

And your last sentence is absolute nonsense. It wasn't opposite sexes and the mothers are friends

Whippetlovely · 28/10/2024 09:18

Ilovelurchers · 28/10/2024 09:08

You all fiercely defend your right to use the term "race card" don't you?

Regarding false accusations of rape, yes I have come across them in the schools I've worked in. Of course I have - I've worked in schools for decades. Kids make stuff up, for a whole range of reasons. So, sometimes do adults. Didn't make me start thinking it was a widespread phenomenon for women to lie about rape, or appropriate for me to start talking about it as if it happened all the time.

But it sounds like none of you want to consider the possibility that your use of the term "race card" and the way you discuss this phenomenon might discourage genuine victims of racism from reporting their experience, or lead to genuine reports being dismissed.

Because it seems more important that you have the freedom to use this term you enjoy using. Even though, removing the word "race card" would not stop you genuinely identifying false accusations of racism and calling them out. Nobody has ever suggested you accept every single accusation of racism ever made as factual. Simply that you stop promulgating the myth that it is common for accusations of racism to be false.

But it's your word and you have the right to use it ....

And I don't know how to argue with that mindset.

You should be more angry with people that are using the race card they are the ones undermining real victims. There is a term because sadly it's something that happens, like it or not. You've said you've seen it yourself so you know it exists so arguing against its use is quite frankly stupid.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 28/10/2024 09:19

To add another point to this... in those cubicles any knocking sounds loud and rattling. It is jarring along with all the other noise. I've had quite a few experiences where people have got the wrong cubicle / my kids have gone out and tried to get back in again. Or when you topple against the door. It all sounds loud and scary.

SailingOnAWave · 28/10/2024 09:19

You did nothing wrong, just wrong place wrong time and she would have reacted the same to anyone who happened to be in there. Just unfortunate. And I would have yelled at her, she was extremely rude.

AutumnLeaves24 · 28/10/2024 09:23

User100000000000 · 28/10/2024 09:03

@AutumnLeaves24 You cannot go round telling people that they're not entitled to their opinion just because it differs from yours. That's not how adulthood works. Especially not on a public forum where the OP has asked for opinions! 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣

It would pay to quote the post you're referring to. I don't recall telling anyone they're not entitled to their opinion?!?!?!

NowImNotDoingIt · 28/10/2024 09:24

@VictoriaSpungecake fair enough. Experiences do shape the lens through which we view the world and it can become exhausting.

I'll leave it here as I don't want to add to that, since I have a bit of experience (xenophobia rather than racism).

FiddlyDiddlyDee · 28/10/2024 09:25

Whippetlovely · 28/10/2024 09:18

You should be more angry with people that are using the race card they are the ones undermining real victims. There is a term because sadly it's something that happens, like it or not. You've said you've seen it yourself so you know it exists so arguing against its use is quite frankly stupid.

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it is stupid.

even more stupid is the poster came on here to claim people shouldn't use the term 'race card' by playing the race card. i don't think they're even aware they're playing it. there's a time to call out racism and this isn't one of them