To have shouted at a stranger at the pool?

[Fullmooncomfort]

I’m still mulling this over so needed some opinions from you wise owls. The fact I’m still thinking about it makes me think I probably did the wrong thing 😖

scenario: busy pool today with Dd8 and her friend, we had just into a family cubicle to change after a nice swim. Changing rooms were busy and in high demand which is normal for weekend family swim time. We’d been in there for a couple of mins (so just at the stage I’m half dressed with dripping wet hair and the girls are wrapped up in towels slowly starting to dry off). The door to the cubicle gets banged on really loudly so I ignored it assuming someone had the wrong cubicle. However when it happened again really loudly I said “it’s occupied, won’t be too long” and the person on the other side started shouting about a jacket and rattling the door. The knocking and rattling of
the door continued and got louder and this girls started to get upset so I opened it a crack to say I think you’ve got the wrong cubicle, and a very red faced angry woman started shouting at me saying I’d taken her cubicle and stolen her daughter’s jacket 🤷‍♀️I had to speak loudly as she was literally just ranting and I said I think you have the wrong cubicle, it’s me and 2 girls and we are changing so please step away and you are welcome to come in when we are done but there’s nothing it in apart from our stuff.
She then put her hand on the door and continued to shout about a jacket, saying she needed to come in and check as I had clearly moved her clothes out of it and stolen the cubicle and jacket. I finally lost my temper and shouted back (I know that was wrong but it was awful, the girls were upset and she had her hand on the door so I couldn’t shut and lock it) and she started really yelling at me. I didn’t know what to do so asked loudly if security was around (lots of wide eyed parents standing who did nothing but not a lifeguard in sight as they were poolside and no security as they of course would normally have no reason to patrol a kids changing area)
She then screamed that I was racist and she was calling security on me for theft 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️and walked off, so I went back in to reassure the girls, having locked the door.
Next thing I know a lifeguard of about 17 who looked confused knocked on the door and said a lady had come to complain that her daughter’s expensive jacket had been stolen and I had been racist towards her. I felt really upset (I think just shock) and managed to wobble out the above story and that I was finishing getting the girls ready and we would come out and she could check it for this jacket (that clearly wasn’t in there). Then a security guard arrived so it was chaotic at this point, it all got repeated and she said she would try and find the women. She came back after a few minutes to say she’d spoken to her and told her she should have been polite and waited for us to exit before going in to check if the coat was in there, but that she had denied raising her voice and said that I had been deliberately goading and obstructive and racist. I got quite upset and said I certainly wasn’t racist or goading and while I did stop her entering the cubicle it was only because the girls were naked and we had just started getting changed. She sort of shrugged and nodded and walked off and I gathered up my things and we left. I feel awful for having lost my temper and shouted at her and for security, which scared the girls more, but I simply lost my rag after repeated attempts to ask her to wait while
we finished changing, and then she was so aggressive. I’ve had to explain to the girls what racist means and how It was nothing to do with race, but I’m mortified my DD and her friend saw me raise my voice and shout at her to move away from the civil cubicle. WWYHD in that situation? My gut tells me I handled it badly but it was all so sudden and intense and I think my fear turned into anger ☹️

Perfectly normal in my council gym. There are cubicles.

Nothing at all weird about women and girls who trust each other changing together after swimming.

Surprising how many people are concerned about cubicles in leisure centres 😂
OP you sound like you did nothing wrong, the cubicles are for changing, not leaving stuff in so the woman was in the wrong from the off.

@shuggles I take it you have never been to a Haven camp?

Such a weird comment about it being wrong changing with an unrelated same sex child - that poster would faint in horror at the set up in our small basic summer only outdoor pool! One room for all women and girls one for all men and boys. So am frequently changing alongside other peoples girls no one bats an eyelid.

I don't think you did anything wrong. In this scenario, I would have said loudly, "Please wait. We are not dressed" and repeated over and over again, but tbh it sounds like you did something similar and were a lot more polite than I would have been. I would have been threatening to call the police at the point at which she put her hand on the door. But it's easy to say what would/should have been done in hindsight but it's different when you're in a stressful and unpleasant situation like that, and I think you handled it as well as you could have done. I'm not surprised that it's left you a bit shaken.

You were very calm OP, I'd have lost my shit with her.

The only course of action I’d take now is to make sure you’ve told the full story to the friend’s mum, if you haven’t already.

The last thing you need is for friend to tell her mum a garbled retelling of the story that makes you sound like you were going on a naked, racist rampage!

I think from your post you sound like you did just fine. However, as you asked and there was a mention of racism. I would suggest you take some extra time to reflect from the other lady's perspective...
if she was writing this post what would she have written?
she clearly believed that was the cubicle they left clothes in, so in her mind you were a possible thief.
she knocked several times before you acknowledged her and several more before you opened the door.
you say you acted out of fear, would you have handled the situation any differently if she'd been white? (Maybe not, but definitely worth double checking yourself)
you refer to her as aggressive - this is something which commonly comes up for women of non-white backgrounds. They are more likely to to be described as aggressive. Would you have described her as upset if she was white?
again the answer to all these questions may be no. Particularly when you are reeling and perhaps haven't considered racism or faced a situation when it has come up before. You speak from a position of great privilege when racism is something that is taught only in the classroom and your daughter hasn't had a need to discuss it in real life by the age of 8.
The involving of security, your outrage at her invading your privacy, all of this is (understandably) only seeing the incident from your perspective.
overall it sounds like you handled a difficult situation well, but I think it's always worth giving some extra reflection especially when there is an imbalance of power involved.

ps. I once had a similar situation. I was feeling ill so I watched my husband swim with our kids (both with SEN) and when I saw them getting out I walked through to the cubicles to meet them in one of the only large family cubicles to help him get them changed. In the 30secs or so before they came arrived, a surprisingly angry man hammered on the door and accused me of hogging a cubicle which his family would have been entitled to if I hadn't unfairly snuck in. I couldn't believe how angry he became so quickly and felt very intimidated as he blocked the whole door. Crazy with his kids right there and then my husband and kids as well. Walking up on the situation my husband was completely confused about what was going on and the man stormed off when he saw my DH and kids arrive. So I can understand the level of fear and vulnerability you felt. I do still wonder what made my angry swimming man so angry. Is it the heat of the pool, the stress of changing kids, the adrenaline of 'competing' for the largest cubicles. .

Presumably the op can’t actually see through doors so had no idea of the race of the lady anyway.

Sorry but you're being weird. Unsafe to leave her alone if she's young. Get over it.

She started the shouting and you stood your ground. You did nothing wrong.

I also think you're making this into something it isn't. The op said it was nothing about race and I believe her.

Just because she's white (I think) doesn't mean she automatically has race bias.

And just because that lady thought she was being racist (which there is bugger all evidence here) doesn't mean it was.

I seriously feel like people on the Internet always try and read between lines that aren't necessarily there.

Do you like being dramatic?

She wanted to come into the cubicle when you were half dressed and 2 girls only had a towel on then put her hand in the doorway???
I would have shouted at her too.
Yes, the girls were scared but that's due to this woman's actions, not yours.

I completely agree with this 👍

No. I don't like being dramatic.
the OP said the incidents been niggling her.
there was a mention of racism.
race bias is something which is almost always unconsciously present - that is what makes it a bias.
OP asked for help analysing the situation.
OP also mentioned that her 8yo had never come across racism outside a classroom lesson environment.
i said that I believe the OP coped fine, however we only have her account of the situation to go on so I merely suggested it might be helpful to reflect a little more on how race bias may have come into play and to double check the others lady's view of the situation. Only the OP can do that as we only have her account to go on. I presumed OP didn't really just want 7 pages of people telling her she was right.
again I think her account sounds reasonable, but there's never any harm in double checking yourself, especially when racism has been suggested.

7 at my gym.

granted I don’t spend a huge amount of time in leisure centres, and I’m aware that I risk sounding like the PP who simply could not grasp the concept of the cubicles in the changing rooms…😂😂 but surely Im not the only one who has never heard of a ‘changing village’ 😂😂🤔. Most of you are using the term without hesitation so I assume my lack of knowledge in this area is exceptional but still, like the cubicle poster, I feel as though I’m on the back foot somewhat 😂😂😂

Well every changing room I’ve ever been in has individual cubicles that lock, just like OP has described 🤷‍♀️

Just piping in here. We have a friend who manages the local leisure centre and pool. They have it do very regular (weekly) checks for peepholes in the changing rooms. Yes, nasty perverts drill holes so they can spy on adults and children changing. Grim, utterly grim. And one of the many reasons I won't ever go to a public pool again.

It’s not hard to imagine though is it?? You’ve seen a cubicle before (presumably you’ve been in a public toilet). So, posting these incredulous ‘I’ve never seen that before!’ posts just sounds like you’re trying to pick holes in OP’s posts. Same to @shuggles !

I'm pushing 50. I've never seen a gym/leisure centre that didn't have changing cubicles as well as benches, council owned or private. Have you lived a very sheltered life @shuggles?!

@Fullmooncomfort you should be pleased with yourself for sticking up for yourself and your girls. I wonder if the woman ever did find her jacket?

I'm most surprised that an 8 year old doesn't know what racism is, that's a little too blinkered! But yeah, the pool seems to bring out some absolute nuts, we had a lot of fun with some Russian folks at ours the other day 😅

What a nightmare for you - the woman sounded deranged! You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Are there no lockers? If there are, and she didn’t bother to use one, she’s only got herself to blame for anything getting nicked.