Do you tell your parents your problems?

[Itsgivingeurgh]

Ive always been fairly open about whether things are good or bad in my life with my parents. I dont talk about any problems with dh ever, but would mention things about work or dd
Dd has been quite ill for 5 months now, I told them all about it at the start, but now when they ask how she is, I keep it brief and say she’s nit better yet, but that i’m sure she will be soon. The reality is that this has been the hardest time dh and I have ever been through and things are pretty much hell.
They are early 70’s and I recently started to think, whats the point in worrying them, whereas before they were the first people i’d go and cry to.
They’re still in generally good health, but maybe its because they’re getting a bit older or maybe I was selfish before

Yes, certainly my mum and occasionally my dad.

DH has to be careful telling his parents his problems (and I have to be careful talking to them about anything that could be construed as his problem) because they tend to weaponise things against him when it suits them.

i never discussed anything with my mother. She was a hard hearted woman who would have given no sympathy anyway -
"Menopause - I just got on with it. I was too busy working"
"Mortgages - your father and I never needed one" Yes that's because you paid £800 for your house.
Anyone with worries or mental heath issues was just dismissed with "Piece of nonsense" being the usual comment.

I don't really talk about stuff with anyone but find places like MN good as I can be totally anonymous and can usually find somebody with a similar issue.

I don’t tell them important stuff unless I have to, didn’t even tell them my exh and I had separated for a few months.

my mum is a worrier and I find it supremely irritating, I’m very much not like that myself and tend to just get on with things

This is how DH and I deal with his parents (my parents are no longer with us). When we were younger, they used to hear any discussion of a problem as a request for help and advice, which was irritating as they assumed we were incapable of dealing with normal day to day issues (they are generally nice but seem to have a blind spot in this area!).

As as a result, we started only telling them about things that were already resolved so we wouldn’t feel annoyed with them. Now they are older (late 70s) with various health issues, it means they don’t have extra worries. We are in the phase of life where we are looking after them now.

My relationship with my parents was different as we were not as close, and my mum was never much practical help with advice and would get very anxious about anything stressful I told her, so it was easiest not to tell her things.

Edited to add: We once had to tell PIL something very personal about my health, asked them to not tell anyone, and at a family gathering a few months later DH’s aunt asked me about it. I was so upset. PIL couldn’t understand what they’d done wrong as they’d only told this relative and no-one else. All water under the bridge now, but it made me wary of sharing anything personal with them.

I don't tell them much. When I try to tell my mum of any problems, she just turns it around her and how she has had it harder and has also happened to her. If I try to tell them anything about work, none of them are familiar with the private sector and how things work in the UK (we are from a different country) so it is useless.
My father doesn't talk much, so it feels like I am just talking to a wall.
I tend to talk to my DH and friends.

I have (dm deceased) good loving parents. Pretty stable home life as a child. And yet I tell/told my parents nothing for as long as I can remember. I felt my parents and especially DM had to be protected. She was kind calm loving woman but yet I felt this way. Also shame was a factor in my very catholic upbringing and I feared being or bringing shame to them or myself. I tell my young adult DC i am here for them no matter what. There is nothing they cannot tell me and I am always their first call in any need/event. I thought this was unsual but I see from this post it’s not. DM did get upset one time when I had my period around age 12 and didn’t feel well. She seemed overwrought about changing the bed linens and helping me deal with cramps simultaneously. Its very vivid in memory and think was the mitigating event in simply not telling them anything ever. Also being in very deep trouble for losing a contact lens. Money was probably tight. I had to pay to replace my contact lens. I started feeling then I couldnt count on them but rather had to protect them. And yet we did much together as family/extended family. Wow this has me thinking…

In the past - yes, to an extent.

Now that my mum is very elderly & frail - I mostly only tell her about minor things that don’t matter.

If she brings up a long running serious problem that has existed prior to her becoming so old I just give her the briefest details & minimise.

I’m not infantilising her but I view it like dumping adult worries on a child. It’s too much for her to carry now.

I am quite close with my parents. They are in their late 60s and still pretty able and they are there for all my children. They are genuinely understanding so I do tell them certain issues but there are also things that I want to solve without them and not to worry them for. Regarding my children, it depends. I want them to have their own personal relationship with their grandparents and not interfere with it. If they are going through something, I'll try not to say a lot unless DC want to say it themselves. But if my child was ill, then yeah I'd tell my parents about it. They'd be worried and want updates. It's definitely different for everyone because my husband's mother could not care less and we rarely tell her things.

I don't, because mine were neglectful and then dead.

DH doesn't, because he finds his parents invasive and his mum would add to his stress, not lessen it.

Some of us havent got husbands

Absolutely not. Parents would be bottom of the list and would not be told anything.

I definitely do not tell my parents everything. They have a history of using things against me and trying to manipulate me into making decisions which align with their preferences. However as we age they have mellowed a bit and I am more aware of their tactics so they don't effect me in the same way so I will tell them things that feel 'safe'.

I tell my husband everything though, he is my safe person. I'm quite surprised to hear that so many confide in their parents but not their other halves!

@Thisisntme1 Perhaps they won’t need to come to you when they’re 40, for example. They’ll have their partners and their close friends instead.

I wouldn’t feel sad if they don’t need your support as much when they’re older. It just means that they’ve turned into independent, mature adults, which is surely a good thing!

I tell my husband everything though, he is my safe person. I'm quite surprised to hear that so many confide in their parents but not their other halves!

@Cheeseandcrackers40 I always think about the effect on the other person before I share a problem. If I think that something will upset or panic DH, I’ll probably tell my best friend instead, iyswim. Obviously sometimes you just have to tell someone upsetting things, but I try to avoid it.

I also consider who can give me the best advice, my DH is great with practical things, but not so good on emotional, he doesn’t know what to say! Whereas my best friend is brilliant.

Not really, maybe not very important stuff. My mother would only worry, and then I’d never stop hearing about how the worry is affecting her. If there was something major that I couldn’t avoid mentioning, then I would, but I’d probably only tell her as little as I could get away with.

She’s also prone to embellishing stuff and sharing ‘in confidence’ with other family members, so I wouldn’t trust her with anything I would want anyone else to know!

No never. It would be brought up over and over again.

It's a really interesting question. I have just realised that I talk to my parents a lot but don't tell them problems.

Nope, haven't told them any problems I've had since I was 17 (35 years).

I generally keep things to myself.

I did tell my mother my problems in my twenties, but then she used them against me so that stopped the flow of information dead. And then she became a bit needy herself and used me as her listening ear, which was not always welcome. I do tell my Dad the bare bones of my problems, just the facts, not the emotions. I have a rather big piece of information I haven't told him about a life limiting diagnosis, I'm still fairly confident he'll go before I do, he doesn't need the grief.

My daughter is on the phone to me at least twice a day, often more if she has a problem she thinks I can help with, but there are areas of her life she keeps to herself. I tell her lots of things but try not to bring my problems to her too much.

I used to always call my mum to talk things through. She would do the same for minor things but didn’t want to worry me about bigger things like her health. I wish she had felt able to, and looking back I don’t feel that maybe I was as good a daughter as I should have been.

I always told my mum. However she died before she got old, so I never had to consider whether it was fair at her age. I've noticed that a lot of my friends with elderly parents have role swapped a bit and they deal with their parents problems but not vice versa. I never reached the age with my mum where the parent/child dynamic flipped and even now sometimes wish she was here to advise me. In my head she's forever young and capable and wiser than me.

There’s some weird judgement on this thread! Totally fine that some people don’t have that sharing relationship with their parents and some do but it’s not less mature or independent to remain emotionally close to your parents.

I’m biased I guess, as I tell my mum pretty much everything. She’s incredibly supportive and I value her insights and sometimes her practical help. I also listen to her problems and offer whatever support I can. I’m 42 and completely independent with a marriage, kids, friends and a job. I still feel lucky to have a supportive mum though. She knows me completely and always makes me feel better. I hope I can offer my kids the same as long as I’m able.

Not particularly, sort of depends what the problem/issue is. Same with DH. I'm probably more likely to have a moan at my friends!

Mum is a fretter, so telling her anything can put even more pressure on my anxiety. Dad is useful for anything practical (he's been a CAB volunteer for years!)

I tell my mum the bare minimum, but that is because she turns everything back to herself and how she's a victim so it would be futile anyway. If my DM was more understanding and loving and actually gave good advice I would. I tend to go to my DP or sister or a close friend.

I never told my mum stuff because she would just worry and keep asking me about it every five minutes causing more stress. I never tell my husband because I don't see the point of us both being worried if I can avoid it.