Do you tell your parents your problems?

[Itsgivingeurgh]

Ive always been fairly open about whether things are good or bad in my life with my parents. I dont talk about any problems with dh ever, but would mention things about work or dd
Dd has been quite ill for 5 months now, I told them all about it at the start, but now when they ask how she is, I keep it brief and say she’s nit better yet, but that i’m sure she will be soon. The reality is that this has been the hardest time dh and I have ever been through and things are pretty much hell.
They are early 70’s and I recently started to think, whats the point in worrying them, whereas before they were the first people i’d go and cry to.
They’re still in generally good health, but maybe its because they’re getting a bit older or maybe I was selfish before

My dad died before I had my first child and mum was abusive so that's a no.

My mil is really weird with problems. Eg dd has ASD and was under threat of expulsion early this year. I didn't tell her, dh did. So she asked me about it. She just stared at me and said nothing. I can't work out if she is bored, doesn't belive me or doesn't care? I don't tell her anything negative if I can avoid it, to to the extent that dh had a life threatening accident at work, was rushed 40 miles to a major London trama centre and I only told his family after I knew he was going to be OK.

His dad is totally unreadable to me. I have no contact with him. Not out of malice. He makes himself extremely easy to never be seen.

Ds has Recently dropped out of uni and both me and dh tell them he is fine. They can't support us or him. I'd love a supportive older generation but it's never been fostered..normally mil either glazes over, tells me at least I'm not watching my child die ( her niece was dieing and I had told her I was busy with a stressful situation but didn't say if was dd being suspended). After that comment I think we'll it's true, no one is dieing so no need to inform her. They are happyly oblivious. They can't critasize and they never knew a paramedic had taken me aside at the secne of the accident, telling me they had called the air ambulance as they thought dh had broken his pelvis and rupture his organs. The sad part is, I didn't need them after decades of their non support. I didn't need to add to the drama and updates when they couldn't even had got to London. I don't think they ever knew. Id had told them if they had needed to operate I think but honestly I'm not sure. Thinking dh might die and who could help in reality, they wasn't in my top ten.

i always talked to my parents about life’s ups and downs .they are both gone now and I miss having them to talk to and confide in .

No, I am a grown up adult and I can deal with my shit on my own.

Not anymore. They are late 80s and tbh, any significant problems that I have are not likely to be resolved in their lifetimes. I'm certainly not sending them to their graves worrying about me.

I Don't tell my mum about serious problems as she is elderly (76).

The only problem I tell her about is my periods. As I've been having really terrible periods and she listens to all the different things in trying to help them. She likes to hear about my health.

I do to a small extent as in I'll tell them the bare bones of something. They have lived in another country for 18 years and I think like to have some involvement in mine and DD's lives. They actually worry most about the fact that I'm single and have been for a long time. My parents are late 70's and early 80's now but were brilliant with practical help 10/15 years ago when I had to have a series of operations and was single with a very young DD.

Most things, I speak to my mum for hours on the phone sometimes, I tell my dad too. But for me it’s more moaning and sounding off about stuff. I don’t tend to tell them about too many financial things as they’d just to sort it
out.

My mum is 82 and not in good health, I don't tell her things that would worry her that she can do nothing about. I feel our relationship has slowly changed from her looking after me to the other way round. She is a strong woman who has survived a lot but I feel that I want her last years to be peaceful with as little drama and upset as possible.

It honestly would depend on the situation for me. If you're struggling and being polite and they're swanning off on cruises, that's very different to if you're struggling and they're also struggling with severe health issues.

Early 70s these days are offended if you offer them a seat on a bus and don't think of themselves as OAPs, so if you're trying to be polite I wouldn't bother and I'd tell them the truth. It sounds like you actually really need the help.

No.

Not since I was early teens.

My dad didn't care and wouldn't have listened and my mum would either have told me how I was doing it wrong or just ignored it.

This.

This annoys me.

It's not just on mumsnet.

You have seen all the news stories about severe child abuse cases in the UK yes?

All the children that were harmed or neglected by their own parents.

That's happened to a lot of us

I don't talk about my marital problems because it would only worry them and also make things awkward as they'd know too much. However everything else yes especially my mother. I talk to my sibling and close friends about some things and rarely feel my husband is a safe space. I remember reaching a point when my Nan was 80 where I thought you know what she doesn't need to hear my woes! But she told me she still worried about my mother and all the children (very much adults) no matter how old they got. So I knew to keep quiet and not add to her sleepless nights.

No, never have and not planning to start now. They would always try to help but would worry too much and my mum would have to tell me what I’d done wrong and how I should feel about any given situation 🙄. She’s always told me that she’s my mum and not my friend, which sounds harsh but works for us. I have plenty of friends to talk to. My dads good to talk to (he was a psychiatric nurse for years) but these days he tends to worry.

I definitely practice quite strict news management with them which means we can all get on just fine when we are together. My mum doesn’t tell me much either tbh, never has. She had breast cancer at one point and didn’t tell my sister and I until after her treatment was finished.

If I needed them, they would be there 100% and more and they are excellent grandparents.. but we don’t live close to each other and we don’t have a chatty, share-everything relationship.

Mine are 70/71

I tend to gloss over my problems, what's the point in telling them?

Nope. My dad is dead, DM makes my problems all about her. How worried she is and it becomes an exercise in managing her feelings and ignoring my own. She's an emotional burden who relishes drama and mop up sympathy and attention from people using what I'm going through as fuel. So she hears fuck all now.

I agree. I hate sneery posts like that, as if we are all imagining it. They don't realise how lucky they are.

@Ponoka7 For many people, it’s not dysfunctional relationships, I think it’s that as we’ve matured, we’ve started to see them as individuals, rather than our Mum and Dad who are here to help us.

At 50, I feel protective towards my elderly Dad and just want him to be happy. I share any problems with my DH and my closest friends instead.

No I don’t, years ago I tried to talk to them about me leaving my my partner due to dv and they were so dismissive of me, but they felt so sorry for him..then I stupidly contacted them a few years ago for support after my 16 year old daughter was sexually assaulted and I was met with horror that I’d called the police.
i don’t speak to them about anything that’s happening in my life to be honest anymore. I feel quite envious of those that have their parents backing them through life.

I have always kept my worries and problems to myself, telling neither parents, husband or friends, unless I absolutely have to. Would never want to worry others. A problem shared is a misery spread.

I tell my parents too much!

I don't understand why folk don't tell their husband their problems though? Surely they are the first person you go to.

Exactly the same here for me with my both my DPs. It was the way they raised me and my siblings though. Feelings were silly, crying was for bereavement only, and talking about feelings was pointless and embarrassing. I love them dearly but clearly they have/had their own mental health issues and unsurprisingly by adolescence so did/do me and both of my siblings.

I’m very selective now about what I tell my parents. A few years ago I told them something and asked them to keep it to themselves. My father told his brother. I found out months later and was very annoyed that he had gone against my wishes. In fact my father then blamed my mother for causing the whole upset by telling me he had told his brother. He couldn’t see that HE had caused the upset by blabbing in the first place! They are mid to late 80’s and quite far removed from real life and so consumed by their own health issues. Agree a problem shared is a misery spread!

This makes me sad to think that in the future my kids won't come to me with their problems, even just for a listening ear.
You never stop being a parent.
Also who doesn't tell their DH their problems? Is that out of the ordinary? I tell DH everything!

yes and no. I don’t really confide in my mum due to how she’s behaved in the past. I will keep her up to date with high level updates re kids but anything personal to me, I don’t tell her. Dad has sadly died but I didn’t confide in him.