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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:28

volcanovillain · 27/10/2024 20:26

Quite a lot of concerts you are limited to buying 4 tickets, so it might not have been possible to include you. Or they might just have wanted to do stuff as a 4 - I think it's important to do stuff with your family of origin occasionally.

All this 'we might have had plans as husband and wife' stuff is a bit childish imo. He is allowed relationships outside of you - why do you feel you need to be present for all his time with his parents? How would you feel if you had children one day and after 20+ years could never spend time doing something special with just them because they come as a package deal with a partner (who you didn't choose and may or may not like).

Your reaction was incredibly ungracious. Don't say you couldn't help yourself - you're an adult and I'm really surprised you felt it was appropriate to behave this way. You made your in laws feel uncomfortable and created an atmosphere at a birthday event for your husband, taking away from his special gift.

What does him having relationships with other people have to do with anything? Isn't it normal to check on plans we may have first? What if we did already have plans for that day? I often tell friends and family hey let me check the calendar or check in with DH to see if we don't have anything going on that day

OP posts:
steff13 · 27/10/2024 20:28

LilasPrettyCafe · 27/10/2024 20:22

This thread would make a good drinking game. Every time the OP says “I’m his wife”, we all drink a shot.

We'd all be dead soon

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:29

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:28

What does him having relationships with other people have to do with anything? Isn't it normal to check on plans we may have first? What if we did already have plans for that day? I often tell friends and family hey let me check the calendar or check in with DH to see if we don't have anything going on that day

Show quote history

If he has plans he can cancel them to see oasis with his family

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 27/10/2024 20:29

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:28

What does him having relationships with other people have to do with anything? Isn't it normal to check on plans we may have first? What if we did already have plans for that day? I often tell friends and family hey let me check the calendar or check in with DH to see if we don't have anything going on that day

Show quote history

Do you have plans on that day?

Garlicnaan · 27/10/2024 20:29

Createausername1970 · 27/10/2024 20:11

I can see why you feel miffed. It might have been better had MIL spoken to you beforehand or, better still, bought the tickets as a separate family event, not linked to DH's birthday. Did she even check DH was free that night? You could have already booked something.

That aside, your reaction was unreasonable. There was a time and place to explain to your DH that you were unhappy about it, but the middle of his birthday tea was definitely not it!

Added to which, you might be his wife but you aren't joined at the hip and if his parents would like to do something with their adult children while they still can then that is perfectly fine. It will be nice for DH too.

My in-laws are both dead now, but I was very happy for DH to do stuff with them and his brother if the opportunity arose, and I am glad they did.

This sums it up perfectly.

I can kind of see how you might be a bit put out initially but you reacted so selfishly, on your DH's birthday celebration.

You have not come across well at all I'm afraid.

And yes they may want some time with just their children and that is ok. You may not like it but you don't have a right to say it can't happen.

Apologise to DH and his parents and let him go with his family.

CuteCillian · 27/10/2024 20:30

I buy my DS ticket's for stand up with me and his DDad. It has always been 'our thing'. I hope his GF (unlike you, not married!) isn't upset by this. I got her and I Harry Styles tickets and I'm sure DS didn't feel excluded. It is 'horses for course's' isn't it?

rrrrrreatt · 27/10/2024 20:30

YABVU. The world doesn’t start and end with you, their family of four still exists - getting married doesn’t erase that. It’s healthy for partners to have their own relationships and do things independent of each other.

Demonhunter · 27/10/2024 20:30

Parents are allowed to do things with just their children you know. Did you miss that memo?

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/10/2024 20:30

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 27/10/2024 20:29

Do you have plans on that day?

Show quote history

How dare you? That's not the point - MIL should have checked, dammit!

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

OP posts:
Bestyearever2024 · 27/10/2024 20:30

Gabbyghoul · 27/10/2024 20:26

Oh my god. This is the same poster as that other thread banging on about how as his wife her status is higher than all other family members and he needs to involve her/tell her everything before his parents?

If this is you OP you sounded from your other thread like you have a massive chip on your shoulder and an attitude problem.

I think someone on the other thread mentioned main character syndrome.

So not such a great relationship with the ILs, then? 🤣🤣🤣

I'm Team In Law 😺

EmberAsh · 27/10/2024 20:31

This would be completely fine and normal amongst our families. We are a network of big extended family, lots of siblings, in laws on all sides but if there was an event and tickets were only purchased for the immediate family nobody would mind. We do lots of other things together. And it sounds like you do too. I think you should apologise to your husband for causing a scene at his birthday and realise this isn't about them actively excluding you. It was just a one off present. Move on.

Gabbyghoul · 27/10/2024 20:31

So everyone else should always check with you first before arranging anything?

Does he have no agency as an individual human being?

Lordofthechai · 27/10/2024 20:31

I would have been very hurt too. I wouldn’t have said anything but it would have really upset me. So I can see your point of view OP.

JudgeJ · 27/10/2024 20:32

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:33

Yes I care about the band. And yes you made vows to your wife you live with your wife and start a family with her. She is definitely the closest family member. Legally a spouse is considered next of kin. I think it's weird for the whole family to go and me not be a part of that group. When I married my husband I joined his family. I feel like it may have been fine to exclude me when my husband was single but when you marry the spouse shouldn't even be left out of family functions. Also why present this in front of me when I was gracious enough to invite them over to celebrate. I could have just chose to celebrate the 2 of us.

Our parents will always be our parents, spouses can come and go, although we all hope things work out the statistics say otherwise. The law may look upon a spouse as next of kin that doesn't mean they're the closest relative.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/10/2024 20:32

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

Poor bastard.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 27/10/2024 20:32

Bit shoddy to announce it while in op's home though.... Good enough to host.. Maybe she sees you as the hired help not dil material?

Savingthehedgehogs · 27/10/2024 20:32

Really rude of them. Good for you being honest about your feelings.

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 27/10/2024 20:32

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

Did you actually want anyones opinion or just agreement?

Whatsitreallylike · 27/10/2024 20:33

There’s shiftiness on all sides here.
YABU for making everyone awkward on his 30th birthday and probably ruined it to a certain extent.

Your MIL was unkind for announcing to a room of 6 people that she’d bought tickets for 5 of them to go to a concert, she probably meant nothing by it but simply wanted to spend the day with all the people she loves the most, not necessarily all the people your DH loves the most. A bit selfish on her part perhaps given it his birthday present, but I would never have mentioned this at his party.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/10/2024 20:33

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

Poor sod. I feel for him 🥺

Holly184 · 27/10/2024 20:33

I would say ynbu but if the gig is Oasis then I get your disappointment but there was a 4 ticket limit and yabu !

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:33

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

Did you make him do that??

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2024 20:33

OP you sound like a baby. You're looking at this all wrong, it's not about you. Stop making yourself the centre of attention, its embarrassing. Maybe you're not close like that with your family. Remember they've known him a lot longer than you. Without sounding hurtful you're not their daughter. They're loving to you because he's important to them. (Unless you developed a personal 1 on 1 relationship where you spend time with them individually).
One night they want to share with him; you have him every other day, forever. Please get over yourself.

EmberAsh · 27/10/2024 20:34

Presumably you don't ever see your family without your husband present. Or does the control in the relationship only go one way?

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