AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

It's a reverse!

It's a reverse!

You don’t need to imagine it. There’s loads on this thread saying that exact thing.
we wouldn’t GAF.
It’s weird people want to do literally everything with their partner.

I'm sorry but you come across as very entitled and me me me.

You don't have to be included in every thing. Also, I feel this should be a red flag to your husband to just how controlling you are and you MIL deserves an apology

I agree. There's no need to struggle with your imagination...women on here are telling you straight. They wouldn't mind. It wouldn't occur to them to take offence.
You say that a lot of men wouldn't care. Neither do a lot of women.

IT'S A REVERSE

Tbh the OP is pretty shocking so I can see why people don't read all of the posts. The title however should make it clear?

will you still want family outings just the 4 of you when they have children
as it crossed your mind that it might be your son that wants his wife there not his wife insisting in being there

YANBU!! I would be extremely hurt by this! Also my parents would never do that to my husband and if they did I would have something to say about it!

@Longtalllizzie its a reverse the mil is the op
she as bought tickets for her son and daighter and husband but left the sons wife out because she wants it to be just her family like when the kids were small

Right!

Reading comprehension here is often abysmal.

And they say sons marry their mothers eh?

How you feel isn’t unreasonable at all. I totally understand that they might want to do something as a family of four which is fine, but to spring that on you and not let you know of their plans ahead of the birthday celebration is, at best, a bit thoughtless. It’s not what they did and their chosen gift, it’s how they went about it. Their poor execution meant you felt defensive and behaved as such. I know full-well that what is said would be the sort of thing I’d say if I felt ignored, wide-lined and hurt. We had a similar situation where a couple of Christmases after we got married and I was also pregnant, my husband got invited round on Christmas Day - not me!! I was really upset by it. I’d avoid further bad feel by simply having a chat about hot you reacted and the fact it would’ve been nice to know. X

YANBU. I would find it weird to be left out. If they couldn’t afford all of you or weren’t sure if you’d like to come, they could have spoken to you before and you can have chipped in for your ticket. If it’s a band you like then it’s excluding you. What if you had independently decided you want to go as you like the band, are you meant to travel separately and sit/stand somewhere else. It would be weird. Surely if everyone gets on well and they all like the band, the norm would be the more the merrier. I find it very odd that they’ve excluded you unless there was an issue. Everyone views families differently though, for me it would be all in. I’ve been to gigs with my dad and brother without my husband before, but only because he wasn’t bothered about going. I would never exclude him from going to something he would enjoy and i would t be able to enjoy it myself knowing he was missing out. I’m constantly baffled by other people though, as they seem baffled by the way we view this.

The way it was presented to seemed to be making a point of you not being invited. Probably better to deal with it after his birthday though. I would calmly explain to him why this has upset you and see what he says.

@loufish It's a reverse

As a woman with two very lovely daughters in law I think you are behaving appallingly. I would never dream of organising anything with my sons without inviting them along too. It is a great joy to have a happy family where everyone gets on and if you carry on like this it will elude you forever. Of course our sons it their wives first, they flew the nest years ago. I view it as gaining a daughter not losing a son and that philosophy really works.

sounds childish you made this about you. if they otherwise include you in things it sounds like they couldn’t afford it this time. if you cared so much about the band/ concert try to get tickets yourself? otherwise it’s really not a big deal to get so upset over. be an adult and let it go

It's. a. Reverse.

Absolutely this.

A mother wanting to spend some time with her son is one thing, but organising a birthday event and excluding a member of the family AND announcing it in front of everyone is just nasty. Controlling. Obsessive.

The person who wrote:
And you are not his closest family member, btw.
To the DIL (before reverse was revealed) is just nuts. Of course your partner should be your closest family member.

Yes your DIL sounds a bit needy. It also sounds like she’s married an emotionally unavailable man no doubt repeating a pattern of behaviour reflecting her low self esteem.

I hope she gets therapy. I also hope your son grows up, puts his partner first as she deserves, and tells you to stop the fk interfering in his life once and for all.

100%, due to specific circumstances my DSs GF (older teen) lives with us. We include her in everything, wouldn't even cross my mind to do something separate with my DC. She is family, and my parents, brother and ILs treat her as such. We have only known her 8 months. A long term partner I just could not imagine excluding.

I am so glad my family treats people well, and that my DC have grown up to do so. We even have GFs nan for Xmas this year and are hosting GFs 18th as her own family aren't.

I’m torn. If you are literally the only other family member then it’s cruel but if there’s an extended family not going as it’s a band they loved as a family then it’s fine! I do things like that with my ‘old’ family. I extend when necessary to my husband. If he liked the band he’d be offended but otherwise he’d be fine and vice versa

If someone gave a present to my husband that I knew he would love I would be so excited for him. Watching him open it knowing it’s from his mother, who is the only person in this world who could possibly love him more than I do, means she must have poured her emotional time into choosing for him. I would think that was so thoughtful because she was honouring his milestone birthday. As a mother obviously my children’s birthdays are about them but the night before when you’ve wrapped their presents and you are getting into bed you can’t help thinking about what you were doing that day (however) many years ago. My children are still very small but I imagine that raising them every year of their lives I will get to know and love different versions of them. I will try and raise them to be good people and when I see them succeed that pride will be a little internal win for me because I’m their mum I love them and I want them to succeed. Then one day they are going to be taller than me and they are going to decide it’s time to move out. They may meet someone and marry them and I will know that my child and my life is never going to be the same again. It’s the natural order of things’ and I will want it so badly for them because it makes them happy and as their mother all I want Is for them to be safe and happy.

For your husbands 30th his mum honoured their life together and booked tickets to something she knew he would love and the family could have one evening reminiscing about old times. For one evening she could stand in the same place as her children and experience something new with them at their current point in life and not have to live with just memories of when they were small.

I think you have been incredibly unreasonable and exceptionally rude. You ruined your husband’s excitement. you have been together for a long time so you know your in laws are good people and include you in everything else. Why would you need to take this from them? Why wouldn’t you want to see them all excited before they go. Wave them off, have a take away and a bubble bath and be waiting to hear about their night when he got in? In my experience that’s what love is?!

You are only next of kin whilst you are married. It’s a legal document. It has no indication of any emotional attachment.

Read the title. It is a reverse. The OP IS THE MIL! She bought the tickets purposely to leave her DIL out knowing her son’s views (likes having his wife with him when they visit his family but she believes his wife is forcing him). OP could easily be exaggerating about her DIL’s reaction

It’s a reverse and MIL very obviously does NOT like her DIL