AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Yes, it was a bit thoughtless. But still not ok for OP to ruin her husband's birthday by acting like a petulant child.

You sound very entitled and spoilt.
I can't believe you made his birthday into a drama about you .
Do you have kids?
When my dc are older it will be bloody sad if I can't take them out just them and me and dh once in a while .

Someone said that they are his nuclear family. They aren’t really though. They are his family of origin. He and his wife now form his nuclear family. Any children they have would be part of that. Then they in turn hopefully pop off and form their own nuclear family.

Well no I can't see this point of view though.

It was his parents' gift to him for his birthday.

They gave him that gift (by telling him about the tickets) at his birthday do.

That's the normal time and place to give birthday gifts!

Also couldn't find the vote but you are being very very immature

This thread would make a good drinking game. Every time the OP says “I’m his wife”, we all drink a shot.

Going against the grain here but I totally agree. I'm speaking here as a MIL and wouldn't dream of intentionally excluding you from the invitation. If they'd taken him out for a celebratory dinner I assume they'd have included you, and I don't see the difference. Of course he can do things with his family, but this was at best, thoughtless.

Oh and yes, you are his closest family.

You are needy.
You are controlling.
You are a fun sponge.
You made your husbands birthday all about you.
You ruined his family's present to him.
You are being unreasonable.
You are only here for everyone to agree with you and you failed dismally.

If I have forgotten anything I am sure others will let you know.

And before you throw your toys even further out of your soul sucking pram, my DSS and my DS often plan cinema trips etc for DH for birthdays for just them and without me because its allowed and I don't have the monopoly on everyones movements.

I wouldn’t do this to my son’s partner (when the time comes he has one). It’s mean and I want to see any partner of my son’s as part of the family.
That’s how my parents have always treated my and my sibling’s partners.

For me, it’s not that the original family unit can’t do anything together, more like why would they want to? Why exclude someone?

Book yourself something nice to do that night with a friend - make a whole weekend of it if you can.

Unfortunately I can’t partake as I have work tomorrow and would still be over the limit🤣.

I can't imagine what your MiL was thinking. I get they always went as a family (there's a band me and my 3 adult DCs always go to together, have done since they were young) but their family now includes you so of course you should have been invited. My Ddil and Dsil both decline to come with us as it happens. They're not fans so stay home with DGC, but I wouldn't dream of not including them. If they wanted to go I'd take turns with babysitting so everyone got a chance at some point too. If she's usually fine I think she's just made a massive error of judgement here. If so she should be apologising now its been pointed out.

I agree. I wouldn't dream of organising a birthday outing for my adult sons without inviting their partners.

And to do it at a birthday celebration that OP has arranged, catered and invited them to is the icing on a very shit cake. I think OP's in-laws are bad mannered and insensitive.

That was me - I wasn't sure of my wording on that, and I knew somebody would be along to correct me! 😅

My point wasn't really centerd around a nuclear family though. Change the wording to family of origin, and my point still stands. Two parents and their adult children have a group relationship that spouses and even future grandchildren, don't. I'm not saying it's better, or more important, it's just a different relationship.

Oh my god. This is the same poster as that other thread banging on about how as his wife her status is higher than all other family members and he needs to involve her/tell her everything before his parents?

If this is you OP you sounded from your other thread like you have a massive chip on your shoulder and an attitude problem.

I think someone on the other thread mentioned main character syndrome.

As my Mom would say "it's not all about you ya know" when I was being unreasonable. Instead of giving MIL the benefit of the doubt when she's been nothing but nice to you, you made a scene and made it about you and your feelings. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them going as a family and spending quality time together as I bet they dont often get to do this. Are you and hubby joined at the hip? You've acted in a self absorbed way and you need to apologise to your MIL and your husband. Reacting like this is not on at all. This is not a hill to die on.

I'm entirely with you OP on this. It's rude and unthinking to leave you out.

I would be massively pissed off if it were me., both with my inlaws and also my husband.
If this were a Christmas Day for example and you invited the whole family round for the day, whilst excluding mama, or got everybody a present with the exception of mama, then wonder what the reaction on here would have been.

Quite a lot of concerts you are limited to buying 4 tickets, so it might not have been possible to include you. Or they might just have wanted to do stuff as a 4 - I think it's important to do stuff with your family of origin occasionally.

All this 'we might have had plans as husband and wife' stuff is a bit childish imo. He is allowed relationships outside of you - why do you feel you need to be present for all his time with his parents? How would you feel if you had children one day and after 20+ years could never spend time doing something special with just them because they come as a package deal with a partner (who you didn't choose and may or may not like).

Your reaction was incredibly ungracious. Don't say you couldn't help yourself - you're an adult and I'm really surprised you felt it was appropriate to behave this way. You made your in laws feel uncomfortable and created an atmosphere at a birthday event for your husband, taking away from his special gift.

It’s a lovely thing for the four of them to do. I love spending time with my mum and my kids but sometimes I just want to spend time with my mum. We’ve had sibling and parent outings and we’re incredibly close. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our partners or in laws, but an ‘original family’ is so so important

If it was purely about how it was announced, OP would’ve said that. It was clearly about her feeling entitled to go because she’s his wife.

She made his birthday celebration all about her.

I've had some wine and have no fucks left to give ...

I won't lie, you sound like REALLYYYYYY hard work!! Just because your married doesn't mean you have to be joint at the hip

As his wife your job as host of his milestone birthday was to make sure everyone had a nice time. Instead he's going to remember you ruining his 30th birthday. Well done