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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
Candaceowens · 27/10/2024 20:34

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

Another shot 🥃

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2024 20:34

Imagine a DH reacts like the OP, he would be called Controlling and quite rightly too.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 20:35

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LouH5 · 27/10/2024 20:35

Unreasonable, and the way you reacted sounds so childish and petty I actually cringed reading it.

Im 35 (just saying that for context, you said your husband has just turned 30 so we are in a similar ish age bracket) and my partner and as well as spending time with each others parents and doing group bits, we still do things just with our families, and it’s nice. He went to a tribute night thing with his mum and dad a couple of months ago and didn’t invite me, and that’s absolutely fine as I think it’s nice for them to have time together. And in a few weeks my mum is coming to stay for the weekend and we’ll do evening meals with my partner but in the day time he’s going to leave us to do our own thing like shopping, farmers markets etc, and he won’t be remotely bothered that he’s not been asked along.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/10/2024 20:35

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

All within 1 hour of you starting this thread? Impressive.

Wherestheoffswitch · 27/10/2024 20:36

Respectfully, I think yabu. I understand you were caught off guard by the gift, but it's not unusual for families to go to events like this without partners and spouses. Every year myself, my brother and my parents go and see a show or a concert together just the 4 of us without my husband and my brother's fiancée. It's not that we don't love them deeply and they aren't part of the family, it just naturally changes the dynamics and it's nice for our core family unit to do something. It's usually planned around something nostalgic like a band our parents love and we grew up listening too or a panto that we went to as kids or something. Hopefully once the initial shock is over, you will be able to understand it and realise it's not about you and it doesn't mean they value you any less.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2024 20:36

Your MIL did not buy a birthday present for her son. What she bought was a present for HERSELF - a night out with HER husband and HER children. Bloody rude!

Candaceowens · 27/10/2024 20:36

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How dare you, it's Wifey4Lifey.

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:36

Moonshine5 · 27/10/2024 20:33

OP you sound like a baby. You're looking at this all wrong, it's not about you. Stop making yourself the centre of attention, its embarrassing. Maybe you're not close like that with your family. Remember they've known him a lot longer than you. Without sounding hurtful you're not their daughter. They're loving to you because he's important to them. (Unless you developed a personal 1 on 1 relationship where you spend time with them individually).
One night they want to share with him; you have him every other day, forever. Please get over yourself.

What do you mean by one night they want to share him? Why did you bold the word one?

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 27/10/2024 20:36

I think OP is right, if the sibling has no spouse but their son does, I would get OP a ticket.

But do not think you are valued as if you were their own child, you are an in-law. But about the ticket you’re right, it’s a bit odd.

Gabbyghoul · 27/10/2024 20:36

Another shot 🥃

Are we drinking at the words wife/married/wedding vows?

WearyAuldWumman · 27/10/2024 20:37

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2024 20:36

Your MIL did not buy a birthday present for her son. What she bought was a present for HERSELF - a night out with HER husband and HER children. Bloody rude!

That's a very good point.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 27/10/2024 20:37

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel hurt here.

Her MIL should have talked to her first. about what she had planned because she was leaving OP out.

My inlaws would never have done that to me or any of their children's spouses. Ditto for my parents. If they couldn't be included in a particular event, they would have at least had the maturity and consideration to have a conversation about it.

ChefsKisser · 27/10/2024 20:37

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:30

My husband told me he talked to his mom and said he found it in poor taste that she presented these tickets in front of me and he stands by me bc we are married and that moving forward she expects me not to be left out when everyone else is and he said he offered to do something just mother and son

This literally sounds like someone saying something at gunpoint. Unhinged!

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:37

coldcallerbaiter · 27/10/2024 20:36

I think OP is right, if the sibling has no spouse but their son does, I would get OP a ticket.

But do not think you are valued as if you were their own child, you are an in-law. But about the ticket you’re right, it’s a bit odd.

I imagine they are making sure they spend time with him where he can be himself and not have to worry about upsetting his wife

LockedJaw · 27/10/2024 20:37

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Hoppityhophops · 27/10/2024 20:38

Just a thought that sometimes a Mother can never win. Perhaps it was originally intended to take you but then the daughter would be left out..perhaps they tried to get 5 tickets but could only get 4. If they've always been kind why would you think them malicious?

Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 20:38

Good grief, I’d be delighted if my husband was doing something like this with his family, how lovely, and I’d not think I was entitled to a ticket too and I had to go. I find your view quite selfish and entitled.

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:38

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 27/10/2024 20:37

I don't think OP is being unreasonable to feel hurt here.

Her MIL should have talked to her first. about what she had planned because she was leaving OP out.

My inlaws would never have done that to me or any of their children's spouses. Ditto for my parents. If they couldn't be included in a particular event, they would have at least had the maturity and consideration to have a conversation about it.

Not unreasonable to be hurt. Unreasonable for absolutely ruining her husbands birthday. She's his wife she's supposed to be able to show him good time and deal with any issues away from other people in private not embarrass the poor fella

SocksAndTheCity · 27/10/2024 20:38

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Laszlomydarling · 27/10/2024 20:39

YABU They wanted to do something just the four of them which is fine. You shouldn't have made a scene about this, it was selfish of you at your husband's birthday. However, if i was the MIL in this story, I would have told you beforehand that I wanted to do this for old times sake etc. Then you might have been more understanding. Although I doubt it considering the possessive nature of your posts.

ChampaignSupernova · 27/10/2024 20:39

YABU. They are allowed to do things as a 4 just as you are allowed to do things with your parents and siblings without dh in tow.

This isn't about you but you are making it all about you. It's ok to feel jealous. It's ok to feel left out but you are making this so much bigger than it is. This does not have to ruin the relationship you have with your in laws. Plan a nice evening for you when they go. Them wanting a concert with their 2 children is nothing to do with their relationship with you. Yes you are his wife but that doesn't mean they cannot do something as a 4 once in a blue moon

SausageMonkey2 · 27/10/2024 20:39

You sound really young. But have been married for 8 years. I can’t believe this hasn’t come up before. My husband goes to a concert every year -
same weekend - with his parents and his (single) younger sister. No problems here.

ChefsKisser · 27/10/2024 20:39

I disagree it’s rude completely. It’s a family day out for the 4 of them. If she’d invited another siblings partner or someone else outside the immediate family obviously I’d get it but I feel you need to calm down and have some perspective.

Trumptonagain · 27/10/2024 20:39

They have always welcomed me with open arms and treated me like a welcome family member. So I'm hurt.

As you have always been included in events I expect you are feeling hurt.

You say that you get on really well with MIL, by that i'd say she never intended to leave you out, more just didn’t really take into consideration that you might want to go and wanted to have some quality time with her DC and DH at a gig

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