AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Honestly, I think this is awful. Adult children get married and their partners should IMO become part of the family, reminiscing about it being the 4 of you is just weird and no one in RL I know would behave like this unless they disliked the in law. Your DILs reaction was awful but what you did was unkind. And who organises things on a specific date without checking with their partner that they are free, the whole drama probably could have been avoided if you just called her first said you wanted to take your son to a gig and checked the date with her.

You will get a response in your favour on MN as they hate any close family/inlaw relationships so loads will say you are being reasonable over this but I genuinely can't see how you thought this was actually anything else other than spiteful.

Take your son out on his own, don't take the whole family and exclude 1 person FFS.

This!!

I have never heard anything like it, I love seeing my DC grow up and this is just part of it. So glad my parents and in laws were never like this.

Well OP if you really are the MIL and this is a reverse (crap thing to do btw), pushing out DIL in the futile hope of reliving your past when it was just the four of you is likely to backfire when grandchildren come along in the future. Whilst you are free to organise whatever event you like with your son, your delivery of the gift was unkind to say the least. You were either thoughtless or cruel - which is it?

Whether this is a reverse or not.....I personally couldn't imagine my mum arranging something for me her and my brother (and my DF if he were still alive) and excluding my DH. But it's hard to tell what the actual context is and depending on whether this really is a reverse or not etc etc., but yes, I actually would find it rude to arrange concert tickets and not see whether my DH wanted to come too (and they literally would just talk to each other like two grownups about it, and if it was something my DH wanted to see he would say please, and if not, he'd say no thanks you guys go but not really my thing) instead of all this carrying on.

If this is true because who the heck knows at this point...

1. If your son insists on bringing his wife you have a conversation with him about why sometimes you'd like to see him without her, WITHOUT saying bad things about her - because SHE IS HIS WIFE and that isn't going to go down well.

2. Don't accuse her of being controlling - either to her face or behind her back. Don't say anything to your son that you wouldn't say directly to her, as he's clearly going to go and tell her what you said. Endeavour to have the best relationship that you can with your son and your DIL, even if that means that you don't get to see him without her.

Sorry this is all very strange - so formal - if my husband wants to see his mum he pops over and has a coffee with her - no need to buy concert tickets excluding his wife!
Are you from a different culture to the UK? My English husband said culturally its very rude in the Uk not to invite the person's partner to events.

It’s not our “culture” in the UK at all 🤣🤣 that’s simply not a cultural thing, whatsoever. Your husband is talking out of his arse-either that or he doesn’t know what “culture” means.
It entirely depends on the family. There’s nothing at all wrong with two parents taking their grown up children out to do something they all loved as a family. Without partners.
If my DH was lucky enough to still have both parents, I’d find it very odd if they invited me and the other wives and husbands to something they all used to love collectively when they were younger.

Gosh seen the update, poor wife talk about mil from hell.

You haven’t got kids have you @checkeredboards ?

let your in laws have some time with their kids.

you’re married. Not conjoined.

if it was a man writing this everyone would be warning the wife that he’s possessive and abusive!

it’s a night out FFS! Go and do something else or sit in front of the tv & enjoy the peace!

sulk if you must, but you’re just upsetting yourself for the sake of it.

Whether you are a needy wife or a needy mother, get a bloody life.

YABVU. I hope my son doesn’t marry a woman who thinks like you. You are his wife, you don’t own him. I think it’s lovely they are doing this for your husband and his sister. You don’t need to be included.

I'm a bit confused now @checkeredboards
If you're the DIL - of course it's ok to feel like that, they're your feelings and no-one can tell you they're wrong. Similarly, if you always do things as a family of five and you have a great relationship with your in laws, as you said, then yes this would be our of character and seem hurtful. That said, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with them doing something without you. But I agree, it was in poor taste to blindside you and she could have considered the impact on you and just given you the heads up first. Your behaviour on the day was poor and, really, you ought to find a way to apologise for that. As for "graciously inviting them" if you're all that close, then surely it's natural to have them over? Do you not have them over any other time? Your replies (until the reverse) seemed very disproportionate and I agree with comments made such as petulant child at that point. There are your feelings, which are valid, then there's your childish behaviour and entitlement going on and on here to people giving there time to respond to you.

If you're the MIL, the reverse applies. It was in poor taste to passive aggressively leave her out, given you don't usually. Also your op says she's part of the family and gives the impression of a good relationship and her being well loved by you. But now you're saying she's controlling and domineering, so I can't really tell. It is not ubusual that once married, generally they'll come as a double act, but similarly it's odd that it's every single time. Does she not have friends she wants to see? I love seeing my in laws (who live many miles away) but if my husband was popping up to see them as only 20 mins away, I wouldn't feel the need to go every single time.

So in summary, MIL acted in poor taste, DIL acted rudely and if there's more to the relationship issues, I think you need to start a new thread to get clearer pointers.

OMG being married changes things and this is a celebration of his 30th. It is classic MIL behaviour and it's rude.... Worse given you get on well. As for your DH, utterly weak and thoughtless. I would ask where my ticket is and then go and get your own. FFS having to gatecrash your own husband's 30th celebrations, but so be it.

Is it just me who would be far too confused to do a reverse? I couldn't work out whose reaction was coming from whom 😂!

Anyway, when you were the first OP I was pretty much going to side with you - maybe not with the passive aggressive muttering, but the hurt at being so obviously excluded. And I don't know who said "why should the MIL have checked with OP re the date of the event and not the DH?", but I'm presuming that it would have been so as to keep it a surprise from the birthday boy.

My late DH's beautiful parents treated me as their own daughter, and regularly told me that they viewed and loved me as their own. I wouldn't actually have minded all that much if they had chosen to do something like this for DH's birthday (not that MIL would ever have been so crass as to execute it like this), but DH would have been appalled, and would have either have thought it was some sort of mix up (or that I'd have already been consulted and had declined), but if he found out that wasn't the case, would have simply asked his mum why the hell she had deliberately excluded me, and most likely would have refused to go if the answer was just that they/she didn't want me there.

DH regularly told me that I was the closest and most important person in his life. As for @BreezyEagle - like you could actually stop your grown son from marrying who he wanted to! 😂

My PIL's also viewed me as the most important person in DH's life too.

Now, as the second (MIL) OP, I am going to say, YABVVVVVU, controlling, spiteful and nasty (presenting a gift to 4 of the 5 people present at a gathering 🤦🏼‍♀️, although as someone else pointed out, this isn't really a gift to your son, it's for yourself). You need to let go of the fraying apron strings you're clinging to before you drive your son away with your possessiveness towards him, and nastiness to your poor DIL, (and that's not even considering your ability to be fully in the life of any DGC that may come along)!

YABVU You've ruined your husband's birthday and made everything awkward now. Including your good relationship with your in law. It's okay for parents to want to spend time with their child sometime with out having you there every single time.
By your own admission this is something they've never done before, just a little treat for the four of them to do something as a family.
Nothing wrong with that at all and you were definitely wrong to mutter in front of them like that. You should apologise so you don't ruin your in law relationships going forward.
Stop being a baby

RTFT.

Can understand the disappointment but I don't think being hus next of kin needs be factored in for oncert tickets. I would have included everyone but your reaction.......cringing for you.

Omg you sound like a petulant child. Grow up.

YABU for how you reacted. You said that they’re usually thoughtful. If you think they misjudged just one thing then allow them some grace instead of immediately turning to passive aggressive comments that ruin your husband’s birthday celebration. You could have talked about your feelings later with your husband.

I also agree with many commenters that it is not a clear snub if they’re not a band you also love.

Does anyone actually bother reading the threads, or even the OP replies these days?

I wish the only thing I had to worry about. Yabu

i can’t quite get over not just how you made a fuss at his birthday celebration, but that you recounted this without flinching as if it’s not an entirely selfish and egotistical thing to do.

It sounds like you feel entitled to gatekeep what your husband does. “They didn’t check whether we had anything planned as husband and wife” is just bonkers, unless the concert is on your wedding anniversary or your birthday.

They were a family LONG before you come along. So possibly this is a band that holds a lot of childhood memories or family memories to them. You don’t have to be included in everything. Personally I would enjoy the free time😂

You’ve come for validation not opinions. Whilst it might have been nice of them to include you, it’s also totally reasonable for parents to want to spend time with their children without their partners. You behaved like a child and have lost any moral high ground that you thought you had. You could have let everyone enjoy the celebration and had an adult conversation later.