AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

I’ve got a friend like you OP and it’s very tiresome, her whole identity is being married.

I’ve been with my partner over 10 years and have no desire to get married, I have many reasons for this but to name a few - my parents are both dead and I can’t imagine getting married without them, he is from a different culture with family abroad and I worry they would expect different things from me if we got married, but mainly we have no children and I actually believe it takes more commitment to stay together when you aren’t married as it’s a lot easier to just walk away when you have no legal ties.

My friend seems to think she’s vastly superior to me as she’s a “wife” and constantly tells me I don’t understand things because I’m not married like she is.

She makes sure her husband’s friends run everything by her because “husband’s and wives need to make joint decisions”
Any family occasions like birthdays or weddings his family go to her first to check they are free (ask permission) because if they ask her husband before her she hates it.

My friend seems to have lost her whole identity and if I ask her to go out on her own she acts shocked saying “things are like they used to be, I’m married now” or “I’ll let you know when WE are free” she drags her poor husband everywhere from food shopping to her book group. She couldn’t understand why she was asked to leave her women only book group unless she came on her own because “marriage is a partnership”
She constantly uses phrases like “we are as one now” or “we come as a package” I don’t think she sees herself as an individual person.

I have distanced myself as it’s completely unhealthy and I was sick of being made to feel I was in dysfunctional relationship because I do things like go away with my friends and leave DP at home all alone to fend for himself or have separate hobbies and interests.

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt that you aren’t included in going to this concert but the way you handled it and your whole attitude is unhealthy. The way you seem to thing it was a big deal to have invited his family round for his birthday is very telling and how he’s backed you up to his family like a robot.
If you carry on with this level of enmeshment with your husband and keep being this possessive then it’s possible he will grow to resent you and start wanting space from you or lying in order to get it, I’ve seen it happen many times before with men “under the thumb” who one day have enough and snap.

I apologise for spelling mistakes and punctuation errors but I’m pretty drunk from participating in the drinking game! 😂.

Has anyone a link to the other thread mentioned please?

Ok and your point is? We are now a family of 2. Are you trying to suggest that them being a 4 of them is more important than us being a 2? It's natural for ppl to grow up and form their own families. The family you create is more important than the family you come from. They come first

Do you and your husband never do anything independently of each other? Meet up with friends? Hobbies? What do you do when you have to (presumably) go to work separately?

You are being massively unreasonable!

Links please

No one is saying it’s more important, there is room for both. He can hang out with you and his family all together. Hang out with just you. Hang out as a four with them without you. It’s all cool. Or at least… it should be.

You’re projecting 😆

And I would say the person you made vows to is the most important more than parents and siblings not necessarily

Wow, ready to hang are we? Schoolyard bullies.

Wife!!
Drink!!

I'm also wondering if they are a family of 4 because everyone is ragging on me for saying wife but you all mention family of 4 just as much if not more than I'm saying wife. So I'm just curious before I came along how many people did his family consist of?

🙄

I’m intrigued

What? How would we know? I'm guessing 4 as there's a mum, dad, your husband and a sister mentioned but maybe they lived with grandma too or another sibling and they've passed or something

It has to be her!

It’s not a gig. It’s an intervention.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5191973-i-feel-like-emotionally-not-financially-he-puts-his-parents-first?page=1

Yanbu.

Announcing an event like that in front of someone who isn't invited! Rude.

Buying him tickets and telling him who's going. Quite controlling.

@checkeredboards what did mil say when you said about being left out? did she answer you husband when he spoke to her or was she too embarassed? I am with you OP, I would have been livid, even more so when you have invited them to YOUR home to have some cake and coffee. why does sil get to share the gig when you, the wife doesnt??

Yes, you two together make two. But he also has a family outside of you two, and you seem to think that now you’ve managed to get him down the aisle, his own family should be consigned to the history books and left on a dusty shelf.
They are HIS FAMILY! and they will ALWAYS be his family. They are not yours, you will never share their experiences and memories of growing up.
You have a lot of growing up to do yet.
Change your behaviour and your attitude, or it will not last

😂

How are we supposed to know how many siblings he has?

This is crazy. You're building a life with your spouse. They come first.

Omg with the missing "mother of her grandchild, in the throes of motherhood" I was in two minds as to whether it was her, but it was my first thought also 😂

Doesn't quite work the same when it's different people saying it, not the same person repeatedly saying it.

OP priorities don't have to be set in stone. You are his priority the vast majority of the time, but it is OK for him to prioritise attending an event with his mother, father and sister without you once every 8 years.

Like can you read it in simple terms please... you are upset because a mother, father, son and daughter are attending one event together and you haven't been invited. Can you not see how your outburst was over the top?

My parents love my bil and my husband and all our kids dearly but there have been occasions we have just been our parents and my siblings and it is lovely for my parents to be together as just us - jt does not mean they don't see our partners and children as family in any way. You will probably cherish moments when it is just you and your kids once they have grown up too.