AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Married people are still allowed to be individuals in their own right, you don't merge into one person.
You're allowed your own friends, your own hobbies, your own career, your own interests. You're allowed to spend time with friends and family alone sometimes and as a couple at other times.

Mine didn’t say that.

Isn't that a Spice Girls song?

Where did I say my DH blames his Step Father only?

Read my message back slowly. I never said anything of the sort.

I said my DH gets annoyed. I never said who with.

When you marry, you cleave onto each other. You leave your respective families and become one whole unit. Hard to comprehend in this day of supposed individualism and selfishness.

What should she say to him? That he's not invited?
But they're married!

So you get invited to everything he does and he gets invited to everything you do? What if your DM wanted to take you on a spa day, would she invite DH too? Or if FIL wanted to take DH down the pub for a few pints you would want an invite to that too? Really? Just because you are a married couple doesn't mean you have to get invited to everything together all the time. Sometimes people want to do things without the other one there and there is no malice to it. I don't think MIL has done anything wrong. She obviously just thought it would be nice to have 'her original family' do something together that meant something to them.

Original family? There’s the problem - right there.

What? The MIL and her DH and HER two children. What is wrong with her wanting to do something just them??

No, when YOU marry that's what YOU may do.

The rest of us do what suits us and our spouses.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. Thank you

He gets pechulant and makes my MIL feel guilty so he comes along too. He gets invited along out of duty not because my DH wants him there. My MIL is too much of a people pleaser to say “No, enough is enough. I want to spend some quality time with my Son only this time”

I think a pertinent and important point here is what history OP has with the family and this band.
Were you even together when they used to enjoy listening to them as a family?
I

But the Spice Girls did....so does that overrule?...
Get it on... get it on... baby...

It’s understandable that you would feel excluded and a bit hurt by that. And presenting the tickets in front of you, was a bit thoughtless.

However, your reaction was terrible and completely unnecessary.

You say you couldn’t help yourself, but then also said you ‘made sure’ they overheard what you said. So you could in fact help yourself and chose to ruin your DH’s evening with a passive aggressive tantrum.

And in every post on here, you’ve done nothing but double down. And focussed only on their behaviour, whilst continually ignoring and glossing over your own in the situation.

Not really sure why you bothered asking if you were being unreasonable, when you clearly don’t think you were.

Yeah it's about safe sex

Its a shame you didn't add the voting because I'd like to see the split.
I am in the YABU camp, but a lot are clearly shocked and agree with OP.
It seems quite a fundamental belief as to whether you feel part of your in laws family, and what that actually means.
I feel like I'm in two families now, my own birth family, and my nuclear family.
I'm close to the in laws, but I'm not in their family.
My parents don't genuinely actually see my DH as their son. They don't genuinely actually see my SIL as a daughter.
They are son and daughter in law.

But some families are much more all embracing. I do know big families where wives and husbands are pulled in and fully embraced as their own. It can be nice, but also a bit stifling.

Regardless, your reaction was awful and really really embarrassing. Especially considering you've always thought they'd liked and loved you. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt.

So he can spend time with two members of his family without you but not three? This is very odd. Would these rules be the same if there were two siblings? Parents plus one sibling. Fine. Bring in the second and that’s the point at which they have to include you too? What if they had invited you instead of the sister? Would you be equally horrified that they had left her out? Or how about before you were married… If he had done something with just his parents would you have been outraged on behalf of his sister??

I had to go and search for this to see for myself.
Yes 🤣 yes it absolutely is her.
Shes tried to make some dates and ages different, but everything else is identical.
Some people never learn

It’s a mystery. I’m sure.

Please don't be obtuse I meant it from the angle of I hosted her in our home. A lot of spouses might have celebrated their birthdays just the 2 of them and their prospective children not with the wider family unit. That's completely natural. Growing up when it was one my parent's birthdays (say my dad's for example) we had a simple celebration with cake with my mom, my two siblings, and I my grandparents (my dad's parents) were never there.

Not saying at all it's wrong if they were there just pointing out that it's not a given that other family members would necessarily be a part of the celebration. Now maybe at a later date parent and child may celebrate together.

I meant that I hosted them in our own home. We could have had it be just the 2 of us. And I would say the person you made vows to is the most important more than parents and siblings. We made vows and are sharing a life together and planning to have children together.

I'm sure my MIL would expect to be more important to my FIL than FIL's parents and siblings.

It’s totally her, right?!

There’s a third one, as well. Where she ‘feels like an incubator for their grandchild’. The situation is completely different, but it really does sound like the same person.

Huh? what are you on??
Haven’t said anything besides that I had something similar and it was hurtful. that’s not needy, that’s not even a story! You don’t even know what my situation was so how can you know if I was needy?
I wasn’t invited anywhere and to anything by in laws in all the years I’m married, so I’m not sure how that’s considered “everything” by your book??
op is allowed to feel what she feels and I understand it. Whether or not I agree with her reaction is an entirely separate point that I haven’t even mentioned

Has to be, I refuse to believe there are TWO people in the world like this 😬😂

How is asking to be included wanting him to throw away his family?

Also what is the epidemic of women wanting men to throw out their family you are referring to?

If anything a lot of men don't bother with their family of origin once married they expect their wives to be the family coordinator within their own family. So if anything it's the opposite of what you said.