AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Do you have any understanding of how controlling you are coming across?

Can you see how you want everyone to do things your way and with your approval?

Do you have any insight into how unhealthy it is to try to come between your husband and has family?

Can you acknowledge that it is good for you to spend time apart as well as together?

Is there any room for self reflection at all?

you’re literally his wife!

Is there any other way to be his wife? What does 'literally' serve in this sentence?

I would not stop him from going

Very magnanimous, to not stop him going! I wonder how you could stop him going?

This is a sad outcome. You might think that you've 'won' as you've got your husband on side, but you really haven't.

This was, at worst, a very minor slight. But because you couldn't get your jealousy/insecurity under control your husband is now not getting to experience a fun day out with his family, your in-laws will be disappointed that their special gift has been marred, you have created an atmosphere with his family and he's been forced to take sides against his parents.

Your marriage is clearly very important to you, given your repeated references to being husband and wife. Possessiveness, jealousy and pettiness is not the recipe for a happy marriage. I'd take the time to really think about the responses you've received here and how you can interact better with your husband's family going forward.

i'm literally wondering who the band are that they're going to see.

There are suddenly a lot of these very similar posts about a woman complaining about her MIL, stating that she should be the primary bond in her DH’s life/treated as part of the family/etc. The details change, but the verbiage is VERY similar.

Are they all by you, OP?

YANBU. It was rude to buy tickets without inviting you. At the very least, your MiL could have spoken to you about it beforehand and said this band is special to them so would you mind if they all went along sort of for old times' sake.

You have been married 8 years but this action seems to be treating you like someone who is not part of this family. To exclude you in this way is thoughtless and mean.

YABU

I'm going back to the start and doing this
🤣🤣

Figuratively? 😂😂😂

I think it was quite rude not to get you a ticket and include you, but VERY rude to announce that at an event where you were then the only person not going. Really awkward and quite mean IMO, especially as it’s just a concert and not a particularly intimate family event.

However, something similar happened to me once and I didn’t say anything just nodded and smiled along “that’s nice” because ultimately it’s not worth an argument and I’d never want to put my husband in that position on his bday.

Oh wow!!! I’m married, maybe I feel more secure in our relationship and don’t need to be joined at the hip, but I readily welcome my husband doing his own thing with his mum/dad and siblings. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does I’m practically kicking him out the door to go and enjoy an outing with just them! It’s totally healthy! I like doing things with my mum/dad and sis without my husband too and he appreciates the time to see his own mates and chill out.

My gawd what a mountain out of a molehill!

Oasis, surely? Tickets like gold dust and limited to 4 tickets per household...

I wouldn’t care at all, I often do things with my siblings and parents without my DH & vice versa, been married 26 years

Did you really mutter all that passive aggressive stuff sarcastically thanking them?

In surprised you’re not left out more often. Appalling behaviour from an adult, your husband must have been so embarrassed. Honestly I’d apologise and try not to ruin a nice treat with his birth family further.

Maybe next birthday MIL should buy her son a ticket to Australia 😅

I think she is understandably hurt in the moment. But her reaction was totally unreasonable.

I am his wife
Don’t you know
I am his wife
He goes I go
I am his wife
He belongs to meeeeee
I am his wife
Mee and Heee
I am his wife
I cause rows
I am his wife
He said his vows
I am his wife
I have final say
I am his wife
I will have my way..

by Wifey mc Control Pants

My money is on slipknot 😁

You think his mother should have say in who her fully grown adult son marries or can stop him? Wow surely you think highly of yourself.

Also where did I say I should be more important to them than my husband. I just want to be included.

I spent a few years biting my tongue. On reflection, it might have been better if I'd spoken up sooner.

ETA It wasn't a MIL/FIL situation.

Not RTFT but this week I bought tickets to an artist that means a lot to me, my mom, dad and sister, lots of happy memories of holidays in the 80s driving to south of France listening to him.
it’s going to be their Xmas present. And it will just be the four of us at the concert. And it will be a lovely evening. And my BIL and DH can understand that and not go off in a strop about not being included.
Mt parents are in their 80s. They might not be able to attend a big concert again. My sister and I have been married over 20 years and away from the family home for longer.
For one night it’s going to be wonderful just going back to being ‘Us Four’ … I’m sure someone else used to call their nuclear family that?!!!
I totally get why your MIL brought the tickets. And you ABU for throwing your toys out the pram about it.

Honestly, you sound a bit mad.

And this post really jumped out at me as well. You were ‘gracious’ enough to invite them over to celebrate and you could have chosen to celebrate just the 2 of you. Does your husband not get a say in whether he celebrates his birthday with his family then? Not going to lie op, you come across as somewhat controlling and demanding. I agree that it was a little insensitive to present it in front of you that way but going just the 4 of them should really not be a problem for a mature adult.