AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

[checkeredboards]

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Don't you think after 8 years it would have shown by now if they didn't like me. They act very loving to me.

So mother-son event = fine... father-son event = fine.... but if both his parents are with him in the same room at the same time, you must be present!!?? what about if he wants to spend time with his sister? Do you have to be in attendance at that?

YABVU!!!!! You may be his WIFE (no need to remind us of that 100 times by the way, we heard you the first time), but he was a son and brother long before he became your husband. It is completely bizarre that you have had such a massive overreaction to this and aren't willing to accept that you may have blown this out of proportion! It is completely normal that they wanted to do one event (ONE event in EIGHT YEARS) as their original family unit!

Op I’m with you on this!
it’s so hurtful. I had something similar. To leave one person out isn’t ok.
don’t txt mil, just leave as is cos dh has said something. If you can be the bigger person right now for dh’s sake, you should try and get another ticket and enjoy everyone together. But it’s really hard to do that

I think I'm going to reach out individually to my MIL and basically state to her what I said above that I felt blindsided and not being given a heads up surprised me.

And apologise for your awful behaviour? Right?

I get that it felt like a snub (especially if you've cooked all day and hosted them) but I do think it's nice to do things with your family of origin sometimes.

My husband sees his parents very often and sometimes I don't go because I know it's nice for his parents to spend time with just him.

I know this isn't the exact same, but if you have children you will want to do things with just your husband and children that your PIL would LOVE to go to, but you won't want them there because it changes the dynamic. It's not personal.

But then why did you leap to such an extreme reaction? If this is the first time in 8 years that they have made you feel excluded, why wouldn't you give them the benefit of the doubt and think 'oh that's a shame, I would have liked to come but they must have had their reasons'?

Knowing someone close to me is practically velcroed to their spouse I think it is quite lovely that the original family unit gets to spend time together without girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses.

You must see that in future your own family of you, your Dh and any children would like to spend time together. Also quite shit now for his younger sibling to always feel like you have to accompany her brother.

Why? Why do you need to be included? This is parents doing something with their offspring. Are you their child?

You don’t need to be included every single time.

Op do you have friends or a social life of your own?

And how is OP the bigger person with the muttering and passive aggressive moaning?! You also sound very needy. Take some time to work on your self esteem and confidence building ladies. Other people can plan activities without you, and that's ok. You're still important but you don't have to be invited everywhere and to everything!

Yes, you are being unreasonable, very very unreasonable. The 4 of them have a relationship that doesn’t-and never will- include you, this is a band that they collectively love, as a family. It’s got nothing to do with you. Being married to someone does not give you an all access pass to impose yourself on every part of their life 🙄
Your reaction was incredibly childish, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it damages your relationship with his family going forward.
And well done for ruining his special birthday….

Id be thrilled for my husband if he had a similar scenario.

I think I'm going to reach out individually to my MIL and basically state to her what I said above that I felt blindsided and not being given a heads up surprised me.

Bloody hell, OP. If you’re going to reach out it should be to apologise. Not to try and justify your appalling behaviour at her son’s birthday celebration.

You ask if you are unreasonable. The vast majority of people say you are. And so you decide to try and make the situation worse?! I really feel for your in laws (and your literal husband too!).

Let me guess - it was a popular band where the limit was only 4 tickets and they choose to invite your s'n'law over you.

So they're normally nice to you, and you think you have a good relationship with them. If that's the case, why wouldn't you assume that this was a mistake on their part, that they didn't realize you would want to go or that they didn't think you would be hurt, and give them a little grace instead of kicking off like a child? I assume you don't behave thoughtfully 100% of the time, and neither does anyone else. Just take it in stride instead of making yourself a victim.

Did you invite the younger sister for cake too?

Clearly, you weren’t invited so they could take the opportunity to stage an intervention.
Marriage doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. In fact, I would hazard a guess that the most healthy ones leave space for each person to maintain their individuality.

Ive only read the first page of this thread but am shocked by the responses. Of course the wife is next of kin! Of course she should be invited. It would have been nice for MIL to have arranged the tickets with the wife. No wonder marriages, family life etc nowadays are so fractured.

Just because you are his wife doesn't mean you automatically are entitled to get invited to everything that he does. Its obvious that your MIL thought it would be nice to do this as the original family unit, to go see a band that meant something to them. Why can you not just let them have this? Its nice for them.

I honestly don't understand the drama and your reaction and the nasty digs when it was announced make you sound like a complete baby.

You sound very hard work🥱

I think it was extremely unkind to exclude you so pointedly and make you the only person present at his family birthday celebration to be excluded from an exciting trip. I would not dream of living my DCs partners out of a family trip for a birthday present. I don’t think you are at all unreasonable to feel sad.

When two young people marry they leave their own parents and cleave to each other, creating a new family and they certainly are considered to be the closest family in UK law as a spouse. As a mum in law I will always support their marriages and think their first loyalty should be to their spouses for the marriage to be a success,so you are right to expect your husband to have your back.

I really hooe this can be amicably resolved. It must be disappointing for your DH to see you be treated like you don't matter to them enough to be included after eight years of marriage..

It could be because they are scared how you'd behave if they didn't?

YANBU. You seem to be getting a hard time here. Mumsnet has a thing where the OP must always be wrong. If you MIL had posted her side here instead, people would insist she was in the wrong instead.

Even if your MIL wanted to do something with just your husband, she should have given you a heads up that that was the case rather than blindsiding you. Completely lacking in class, there.

And muttering and ruining his birthday is complete class is it?