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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
HaveYouSeenRain · 27/10/2024 19:24

Do you even care about the band or concert?

Ratisshortforratthew · 27/10/2024 19:25

Yes YABVU. They’re allowed to do things without you. Why would you think they can’t? Sounds like you stood there muttering and moaning as well which was probably quite cringeworthy.

StillAtTheRestaurant · 27/10/2024 19:25

Do you even like the band, or are you just throwing your toys out the pram?

bumblefeline · 27/10/2024 19:25

I think it's nice just them going, you did not need to be invited.

Timeforaglassofwine · 27/10/2024 19:26

I think he should be allowed to go out with his parents and sibling, just the 4 of them. I do and I would support my dh if he did.

Potentiallyplausible · 27/10/2024 19:26

Yabu

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/10/2024 19:26

It's fine for them to do things together. It would be nice to be asked (although if it is a group they as a nuclear family always liked that's different), but I certainly wouldn't have caused a scene at his party, and been passive aggressively muttering. That paints you very poorly tbh. You could quite easily have said later on, "I'd love to see if there are any more tickets available" or whatever.

"dumb man" indeed.

HaveYouSeenRain · 27/10/2024 19:27

Complete overreaction, they are allowed to do things without you. a bit embarrassing to kick off on your DH’s birthday.

Unless there is this huge backstory that you are the world’s biggest fan of this band.

HalloweenHaribo · 27/10/2024 19:27

I feel like I've read the word 'wife' so much, my eyes are about to bleed.

I get you feel put out but stamping your feet and passive aggressively saying things so you MIL will overhear, is so very childish.

You've ruined the whole thing for your husband's 30th birthday before they've even gone.

mrsed1987 · 27/10/2024 19:27

I don't do everything with my family with my husband in tow? Sounds like it would be lovely to be the 4 of them.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/10/2024 19:27

And you are not his closest family member, btw.

PartyLlama · 27/10/2024 19:27

I would definitely feel both hurt and excluded and irritated by my husbands lack of acknowledgement....once you have brought it to his attention and with little he can do except speaking with his family about it,I would make sure that I am doing something that I really enjoy on that particular night!

Gotabadfeelingaboutthis · 27/10/2024 19:28

YABU @checkeredboards

I think it's nice that the 4 of them want to do something together, and they were a family for presumably 2 decades before you came along so it's unreasonable to think they can't ever do something without you, especially as something like a band can be a real nostalgia trip for people.

Loudly muttering was incredibly rude too, no wonder your husband didn't defend you.

Topjoe19 · 27/10/2024 19:29

You've acted like a petulant toddler. It's ok to feel upset & left out, but the time to raise it was later on with your husband rather than mutter about it.
I'd be so happy for him & glad of a night to myself to watch tv!!

JC89 · 27/10/2024 19:29

So one time in 8 years they want to do something they used to enjoy as a family, just the four of them? YABU

sprigatito · 27/10/2024 19:29

I'm on the fence about the tickets - I think you're right that she wanted it to be parents and kids, like old times, and I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with that, but I probably wouldn't do it with my own grown up children. I would include their partners, but I'm not sure it's actually offensive not to.

I do think you behaved like a complete arsehole, spoilt your dh's birthday celebration and embarrassed everyone. I think you should apologise for that.

newbeggins · 27/10/2024 19:29

YANBU

Incredibly crass and tactless

feathermucker · 27/10/2024 19:30

Wouldn't bother me. It's ok for them to do this as a family. You say you're normally included and feel very welcome so I don't see what the issue is for this one thing.

I get you're hurt but muttering under your breath and them being stroppy comes across as bitter and jealous.

If you were regularly excluded or had a bad relationship, you'd have a point.

StarSlinger · 27/10/2024 19:30

I often do things with my family without my DP. Do you do everything together?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/10/2024 19:31

I think it was a bit rude of them to do it all in front of you when you were not invited. It would make most people feel awkward.

Domino20 · 27/10/2024 19:31

Everything isn't about you.

RazzleDazz1e · 27/10/2024 19:31

YANBU- really rude to exclude you so obviously!

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 27/10/2024 19:32

You’re acting like a brat. They’re allowed to do things without you just like your family can do things without him. Honestly grow up man

Womblewife · 27/10/2024 19:33

YANBU
I think this was a horrible thing to do - when you are all in a group together Celebrating your dh birthday and then “yay!” They are all going and you are not. How awful that you were the only one in the group that couldn’t get excited. I think this is nasty.
if mil had given him tickets when they were alone, I would have said ok, it’s a bit hurtful but ok. She did this in front of everyone and you were the odd man out - horrible.

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:33

Yes I care about the band. And yes you made vows to your wife you live with your wife and start a family with her. She is definitely the closest family member. Legally a spouse is considered next of kin. I think it's weird for the whole family to go and me not be a part of that group. When I married my husband I joined his family. I feel like it may have been fine to exclude me when my husband was single but when you marry the spouse shouldn't even be left out of family functions. Also why present this in front of me when I was gracious enough to invite them over to celebrate. I could have just chose to celebrate the 2 of us.

OP posts:
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