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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
STARCATCHER22 · 27/10/2024 20:07

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:06

I think what also hurts me deeply is considering my close relationship with my PILs it didn't even cross their mind to let me know what they were doing for my husband beforehand. Like they were completely tone deaf to how this may have come across to present this in front of me and list out in front of me who is all invited. It's almost like announcing hey we are all invited BUT you.

I feel like if MIL pulled me aside given our close relationship and said something along the lines of, "hey we love you very much but for old times sake I wanted to do something just FIL, son, and daughter I didn't want you to feel we don't value you as part of our family or you to be caught off guard when we came to your house and presented this." I would have felt a lot better about the whole thing. But I felt so blindsided by this and I lashed out of my hurt feelings.

I think I'm going to reach out individually to my MIL and basically state to her what I said above that I felt blindsided and not being given a heads up surprised me.

You have managed to make every element of his 30th about. 🤯

Pinkissmart · 27/10/2024 20:07

Gosh

There are a lot of women who think their husbands should be model family men and also that they should throw away their family.

tuvamoodyson · 27/10/2024 20:07

So….are you the wife OP? I felt you didn’t make that very clear 🤔

LauderSyme · 27/10/2024 20:08

I think your muttering was unnecessarily passive-aggressive and your immediate aggrievance at not being invited seems to have excluded any possibility of you being excited and pleased for your husband.

Your posts are revealing some rather unpleasant character traits. You keep banging on about the supremacy of being married; doesn't that mean you support your other half and his family and feel happy for their life's joys?

The dynamic at family events between nuclear family members is subtly changed when partners are included. Not necessarily for the worst, but it is changed. It isn't unreasonable for DH's mum to want to recapture that dynamic on one solitary occasion. Particularly as I imagine you are capable of taking up rather a lot of bandwidth at family events.

I like my db's partner very much and get on well with her, but occasionally I do yearn for time alone with him without her being present, because it's different and valuable.

Anxioustealady · 27/10/2024 20:08

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/10/2024 19:27

And you are not his closest family member, btw.

Who is then, genuinely?

Candaceowens · 27/10/2024 20:08

You haven't listened to a single word of the replies on this thread, have you?

anxioussister · 27/10/2024 20:08

It’s ok to feel hurt (It’s ok to feel anything) - but I think you need to get really curious with yourself about why you feel so hurt?

You DO become part of a family when you marry it - but you don’t automatically photoshopped into its history to. It’s ok for in laws to occasionally do things with their children - I think especially if his sister is single then it’s nice to do things that don’t have partners.

lf you feel really disappointed to be left out is it because you wish you did more things with the four of them together? Is it because you feel like you didn’t get enough family time like that when you were younger? Or you feel like your family now aren’t as invested as they might be in spending time with you?

If I was you I would try and make amends for your behaviour with your husband and in laws. I would say something like ‘I’m sorry for reacting rudely to your birthday gift. I would love to be included family occasions like that sometimes - but I regret responding so petulantly, I hope you can forgive me’

and ask your husband to check in with his parents that you really do like to feel included please going forward.they might not have known that it would be important to you!

ToffeeSquirrels · 27/10/2024 20:09

You sound like hard work OP 🙄

Skybluecoat · 27/10/2024 20:10

The thread is something like “I am just an incubator for their grandchild” and the OP goes on and on and on about BUT I AM HIS WIFE!!!

That is also you isn’t it @checkeredboards

redtrain123 · 27/10/2024 20:10

I think it’s rude to announce like that, and deliberately exclude you. At the time, maybe do didn’t notice the oversight until it was pointed out to him. You reaction may not have been the best, but still rude.

dapsnotplimsolls · 27/10/2024 20:10

Christ on a bike. YABU. How precious are you? Ok to be a bit upset but absolutely not ok to act like a spoilt teen.

LondonPapa · 27/10/2024 20:10

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

Oh shut up. It’s his birthday gift for a band the family love, and they clearly has a familial connection / bond. I’m sure you can live without being involved for one concert. Like how self-involved are you to be this petty and angry at him for getting excited and you not being invited. Grow up.

snowlady4 · 27/10/2024 20:10

Very mean of them to announce it in the way they did- if mil had form for this sort of thing I would say spiteful, but as you say she's not usually like that, I think maybe more tactless.
Not a problem them going out together, without you, but quite rude to have you as the only person in the room who wasn't offered to go or included in the excitement. Especially as you like the band. This would annoy me.
She could have given you a heads up on what his gift was first and that you weren't invited and you could have considered your response beforehand. I think it was a shock to you and can see why you reacted the way you did. Try not to let it get to you too much now. Organise something fun for yourself the same night and leave them to it.

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:10

Also it's odd to just buy something and assume we are free that night. They didn't even give me a heads up or check with me that we didn't have plans as husband and wife.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 27/10/2024 20:10

They were a four long before you and dh were a two.
Don't be so rigid.

Moveornot2 · 27/10/2024 20:11

Gosh you sound like hard work. I know we usually hear bad things about the MIL, but sounds like they have to step on eggshells around you I’ve been for events with my immediate family and my husband or BIL have never had an issue with it, it’s nice once in a blue moon. Shame you made him feel guilty on an important birthday and the whole thing awkward

Hatty65 · 27/10/2024 20:11

I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it.

You actually said this? On his 30th birthday celebration?

You are appallingly rude and I'm not surprised he stood there dumbly. What a pathetic, petulant way to spoil things for him. Even if you were hurt and surprised you recovered enough to stamp your feet like a spoilt child, didn't you? I imagine his family think you are a nightmare. You certainly sound it.

Createausername1970 · 27/10/2024 20:11

I can see why you feel miffed. It might have been better had MIL spoken to you beforehand or, better still, bought the tickets as a separate family event, not linked to DH's birthday. Did she even check DH was free that night? You could have already booked something.

That aside, your reaction was unreasonable. There was a time and place to explain to your DH that you were unhappy about it, but the middle of his birthday tea was definitely not it!

Added to which, you might be his wife but you aren't joined at the hip and if his parents would like to do something with their adult children while they still can then that is perfectly fine. It will be nice for DH too.

My in-laws are both dead now, but I was very happy for DH to do stuff with them and his brother if the opportunity arose, and I am glad they did.

WearyAuldWumman · 27/10/2024 20:11

Mountainpika · 27/10/2024 20:00

Very rude for you not to be included. We wouldn't dream of doing something with our two sons and exclude their wife/partner. We see them both as our daughters.

Thank you. I'm astounded at the posters who have informed the OP (and others) that they're not part of their husband's family.

180m · 27/10/2024 20:11

I don’t know if all these responses on here are sarcastic because I can’t believe them.
YANBU at all.
Maybe it’s a cultural difference in opinion?? I’m Asian and I think most Asian families would absolutely see the daughter in law as an equal part of the family so it would be sooo strange for the whole family to go apart from her. I would be mortified.

Cailleach1 · 27/10/2024 20:11

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/10/2024 19:27

And you are not his closest family member, btw.

She’ll be his next of kin.

Hankunamatata · 27/10/2024 20:11

Even if you do feel hurt you owe your husband a massive apology

It was HIS birthday, a present for HIM. You then made it all about you and your feelings.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 27/10/2024 20:12

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:10

Also it's odd to just buy something and assume we are free that night. They didn't even give me a heads up or check with me that we didn't have plans as husband and wife.

Give it a rest.
He is not your property.

I'm surprised he's still married to you in all honesty. You'd drive me batshit with this nonsense.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 27/10/2024 20:12

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:10

Also it's odd to just buy something and assume we are free that night. They didn't even give me a heads up or check with me that we didn't have plans as husband and wife.

I swear you start these threads just to get arguments to berate your poor husband with even more.

Sweepsthepillowclean · 27/10/2024 20:12

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:10

Also it's odd to just buy something and assume we are free that night. They didn't even give me a heads up or check with me that we didn't have plans as husband and wife.

You are honestly unhinged. If you mention wife one more time..

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