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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No birthday present - disappointed?

100 replies

FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 01:40

My boyfriend of a year didn't get me a birthday present.

He did make me a three course meal however, it was lovely.

He buys random gifts throughout the year, like he bought a perfume for me a few weeks ago and randomly buys things I might like every few months

It just felt weird having nothing to unwrap on the day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 01:42

He also said about a month ago he was getting a couple of things - made it worse

OP posts:
Barney16 · 26/10/2024 01:44

He should have bought you a bday present. Lazy twat needs to make more effort. Tell him your expectation is a birthday gift, a Christmas gift, a valentine's gift etc etc and if those gifts don't appear he's history.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 01:46

@Barney16 I mean, he was in the kitchen most of the day preparing the meal and baking me a cake. So he did make an effort in general.

But I am disappointed. Never happened before with a boyfriend. I also showed him the things my family got me so he knows fine well its normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 01:47

I'll be making it clear about Christmas asap. And he bought me a necklace on our first ever Valentine's!

So god knows what he's thinking.

OP posts:
Wherehasallthetimegone · 26/10/2024 05:51

It's strange that he buys you gifts at random times but not for your birthday.
Could it be cash flow related: that he buys things when he has the spare money to do so but when it came to your birthday he didn't actually have the spare cash to get the 2 gifts he intended?
He seems quite a caring guy and putting the effort into the meal to make things special for you was a good sign.

Commonsense22 · 26/10/2024 05:54

He probably thought the meal was the gift. It sounds like he made a big effort.

beachcitygirl · 26/10/2024 06:15

It depends. If he's in a tight spot financially, I'd let it go. Especially as he's kind at random times & did make an effort with dinner etc. but if he just didn't bother I'd get the ick

autienotnaughty · 26/10/2024 06:28

I'd mention you were surprised not t receive a gift. See what he says, he may feel the meal/cake were his gift.

ChristmasFluff · 26/10/2024 07:50

I would talk about how much you appreciated the meal and cake, and then ask him when I was getting the birthday presents he had promised. Because I would want to make it clear that intentions are not enough, and that I want a present! Also that the monetary value is of no consequence - it's the act of caring enough to get something suitable for a particular day.

Unexpected treats are lovely, but they are in addition to commemorating special days, not instead of.

I had a boyfriend who gave me 'spontaneous' gifts he thought I'd like. They were knock-off stuff he got down the pub, or opportunistically stolen - so I'd be suspicious of a man whose spontaneous gifts were way better than his birthday and Christmas ones!

Singleandproud · 26/10/2024 07:53

Depends on what the meal was. If it was a £12 Dine in for 2 bung it in the oven type then you may have a point but it sounds like he made a big effort for the meal and cake which may well have been £££ if steak or similar and ingredients for the cake and considered that your gift. Gifts and thoughtfulness doesn't have to come wrapped in a bow.

Commonsense22 · 26/10/2024 08:04

Singleandproud · 26/10/2024 07:53

Depends on what the meal was. If it was a £12 Dine in for 2 bung it in the oven type then you may have a point but it sounds like he made a big effort for the meal and cake which may well have been £££ if steak or similar and ingredients for the cake and considered that your gift. Gifts and thoughtfulness doesn't have to come wrapped in a bow.

Edited

This. OP said he spent the day in the kitchen, sounds like a special gift to me!

catlovingdoctor · 26/10/2024 08:08

Commonsense22 · 26/10/2024 05:54

He probably thought the meal was the gift. It sounds like he made a big effort.

Agreed.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 26/10/2024 08:08

I would mention it to him in lighthearted fashion to unburden yourself, but don’t be all grouchy about it as clearly he made an effort on the day and previously so he’s not like the usual arseholes you read about in these threads.

WhitneyBaby · 26/10/2024 08:09

I’d count the meal as the present. Maybe for Christmas do something thoughtful for him that doesn’t cost much money then he’ll get used to this being a two way thing.
This is just in case he’s going down the path of you buying him birthday and Christmas presents but he doesn’t for you.

Didimum · 26/10/2024 08:13

If he’s generally decent and thoughtful, and it does sound like he made a lovely effort on your birthday, this might be an upbringing thing. Some families/friend groups just aren’t gift givers. I can understand it feeling odd though.

Createausername1970 · 26/10/2024 08:13

I would have been disappointed not to have had a present, so I can see your pov OP, BUT he sounds like he made a big effort and baked a cake.

Love and caring takes many forms and by the sound of it all he did was misjudge what would make you happy.

It sounds like you have a domestically capable boyfriend who likes to show you how much he cares in practical ways.

steppingout · 26/10/2024 08:23

My husband's family aren't really gift givers - he's also just bad at planning ahead. He's pretty patchy on birthday gifts but will randomly give me things when he sees something I'll like. If he does plan ahead he gets so excited about giving me the gift he usually can't wait! I found it a bit disappointing at first but it's just how he does presents. The alternative would be to make a fuss about it and put some pressure on but I think it would feel less authentic than the way he gives gifts now.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 08:26

Singleandproud · 26/10/2024 07:53

Depends on what the meal was. If it was a £12 Dine in for 2 bung it in the oven type then you may have a point but it sounds like he made a big effort for the meal and cake which may well have been £££ if steak or similar and ingredients for the cake and considered that your gift. Gifts and thoughtfulness doesn't have to come wrapped in a bow.

Edited

The dinner definitely cost a bit, he went to x2 different shops to get all the ingredients.

I'll be honest though, exes who cooked for me on my birthday did also get me a present! Mind you, he's a better cook than all of them

I'll talk Christmas expectations first I reckon and go from there

OP posts:
WhitneyBaby · 26/10/2024 08:28

I'll talk Christmas expectations first I reckon and go from there

Good plan.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 08:29

@Createausername1970 yeah, he's definitely domestically capable! Loves to cook and always on top of chores etc...more than me.

He's more action led but then he does buy random gifts sometimes so he does care about gifts to a point.

OP posts:
saltysandysea · 26/10/2024 08:32

I went with YABU. He did give you something - he planned a three course meal, spent money on the ingrediants, time to make it. Not all presents need to be wrapped.

Createausername1970 · 26/10/2024 08:32

FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 08:29

@Createausername1970 yeah, he's definitely domestically capable! Loves to cook and always on top of chores etc...more than me.

He's more action led but then he does buy random gifts sometimes so he does care about gifts to a point.

He is a keeper!!

Singleandproud · 26/10/2024 08:33

You sound really quite grabby so tread carefully or next time you'll just get some petrol station flowers and a box of dairy milk.

He made a thoughtful meal, took time out of his day to go and get ingredients and then cook it, for you which took you say the best part of they day so probably cost somewhere between £50-100 in time and resources.

But you want something with a bow on it because that's what your ex boyfriends did. Those boyfriends are ex's for a reason. Some people don't like giving physical gifts because it becomes transactional. Some people like giving their time and effort as they see that as being more meaningful and this took far more of that than the same trip to the Supermarket to pick you up a box of chocolates, or similar which is probably what you would get after just a year

Eenameenadeeka · 26/10/2024 08:42

Sounds like he really put a whole lot of effort in to it making a special dinner and cake, so I wouldn't be worried about the present.

Spondoolies · 26/10/2024 09:25

Wait a couple of weeks then say you are starting to think about Christmas and would it be a good idea to have a budget for each others Christmas presents.

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