No birthday present - disappointed?

[FirecrackerK]

My boyfriend of a year didn't get me a birthday present.

He did make me a three course meal however, it was lovely.

He buys random gifts throughout the year, like he bought a perfume for me a few weeks ago and randomly buys things I might like every few months

It just felt weird having nothing to unwrap on the day. AIBU?

No the other gifts have all been bought when I wasn't there.

Funnily enough when we had this conversation last night he said if I really wanted more than one he'd need to spend more time thinking about it, so I think you're on to something.

Don’t drag back something now . He did make you a gift of love. So it may be he thought that was better than buying something.

as you say, reset expectation going forwards. Say very clewrly Xmas is time for present exchange. The unwrapping…maybe say explicitly when you’d like to exchange gifts with each other on the day and set down a vision for him about that..cosy in front of fire after Xmas dinner, in bed on x,as morning with Buck’s Fizz…whatever you want to draw up a vision of and make sure you clearly say the exchange of wrapped gifts is part of that…or a collection on a stocking…help him to understand what you want.

dont mention birthday until you come to his next birthday. Make a big deal about giving him a wrapped gift…agian make the act of giving gift a “ritual” you are creating for him. Make it a memorable moment. Then when your birthday is coming up state you would like to repeat this special moment you created for him, but for him to do it for you. Lead him to the water. You could gently say that you think a gift is important, but I wouldn’t mkaempo8nt of saying bad stuff about previous year.

but if he fails to give gift at Xmas or your next birthday, yo7 then need to face it explicitly head on. Say you’re hurt, say you expect him to give a gift and ask him why he isn’t.

it sounds like he’s doing a load of stuff in terms of giving to you to show he cares and loves you. It sounds like a small tweak is needed, and to not be grabby leading by example and creating a “culture” or “ritual” that is the way you exchange gifts at birthday and Xmas is what may work to help him understand your expectations

@Dartwarbler thanks for your post, I'll give it some thought for the future.

For his birthday this year I got him two presents and cooked a meal. He even mentioned the birthday gift I got him during my birthday! I thought it set an obvious precedent.

Leta not forget he told me he was getting me a couple of things for my birthday about a month ago and it then didn't happen

I'm hopeful to resolve this but need to acknowledge my hurt feelings first.

Also: a few days before my birthday he told me he'd bought himself a gift which he then wore on the evening of my birthday.

He has been generous no doubt but I think there IS an element of selfishness here

I think I prefer the sound of him to someone who showers me with an excess of gifts but doesn't put in any other effort or do any chores.

Crikey. When he mentioned the gift he bought for himself did you ask where yours was?

It sounds like you can communicate well with each other and it’s not that he’s purely mean. So, I’d just have a bit of a chat about your birthday and say that you loved the meal but some things he said about celebrating your birthday left you a bit confused. It’s not that you feel entitled to a gift but you’d been told to anticipate several. He’d said he was getting you a couple of things and didn’t, but also told you he has a one gift rule. Tell him that it becomes uncomfortable to buy and receive gifts if you can sense that there are some rules / expectations around it that you aren’t aware of. You just want to be able to buy gifts as you see fits the occasion so need to understand his thinking.

It’s upsetting to look forward to being told to expect the fun of opening several, to then have the rigidity of having his one-gift rule from his past imposed, and then the disappointment of him not actually getting a gift at all!

Actions speak more that material gifts.
I'd have loved the meal/ cake.

You sound very grabby and ungrateful!

He's clearly not a gift giver on normal occasions. That's his tradition and what he is.

Christmas clearly for him is not about gifts, but a token exchange of a gift.

You need to accept that there's absolutely nothing wrong at all with his way of doing things, it's just different from what you do.

Part of growing together as a couple is finding the middle ground and if you can't or don't want to, then letting the relationship go.

He's a one gift person. That's nice and clear. It's now up to you what you do with that information

But you do need to also address the " oh I've bought you something "

And then nothing actually appeared

OP, you are complaining about his rigidity but you seem very frozen in your ways and rituals too.

To not even reference a present or gift on your birthday is odd.

Did he mention anything about the cooking and meal being the gift?
Eg "I thought I'd do something really special for you and cook this lovely meal instead of a present/ as your present"

But it's going to be hard for you to ask him about it without seeming ungrateful.

I'd try and find out more about the one present rule at Xmas, how much of a rule is it, is he open to being more flexible, can it be up for discussion etc

These occasions are ritualistic to me too. I get to sit down and relax of a day, savouring the gifts someone has picked out
I'd be paralysed with anxiety about getting the right things if I knew someone felt that strongly about presents and it meant that much to them. It's stressful enough generally without that added pressure.

Yeah who doesn't want to spend their birthday sitting on their own with no gift? Sounds great. Not. I would rather a takeaway and spend time with my boyfriend. And get a gift.

It's not really a ritual to expect a boyfriend or partner to buy you a birthday and Christmas gift. It is pretty much the bare minimum. It should come as a surprise to no one that this is an expectation.

These occasions are ritualistic to me too. I get to sit down and relax of a day, savouring the gifts someone has picked out. Often I'll be stressed working from home when he comes in with something and I can't appreciate it the same way.

This sounds like it could cause a lot of pressure for the "giver".

I do think he should have got you a gift, but the fact that you can't appreciate "spur of the moment" gifts because you can't savour them? It feels a bit ungrateful, in all honesty.

@mewkins If you read all the OPs posts, you will see she has quite a lot of rituals attached to this gift buying thing. Opening them in a certain way and at a certain time etc.
The bare minimum you mention has been met. She will get a Christmas present from the boyfriend but doesn’t seem happy to receive one present “only”. And she did get a birthday effort from the boyfriend, not all presents have to have a bow on them.

I've read all the messages but putting all of the ritual stuff aside (in my family we don't call it a ritual- it is just the widely adopted custom of giving people a present on their birthday) the guy knows that he should have bought her a present. He even talked about it a few weeks ago. She cooked him a meal and gave him gifts on his birthday (agajn this is pretty standard practice). He really can't feign surprise here. He was being pretty thoughtless and bought himself a gift instead of her, on her birthday. I guess if challenged he will act hurt and tell her how much trouble he had gone to cooking a meal that they both ate.

You sound grabby and immature

And you sound lovely 🙄

It's your birthday. He should buy you a birthday present.

A meal is a nice extra, but a birthday present is a cultural norm.

He did get you “a couple of things”. More than that, in fact. He shopped for and prepared a meal and baked a cake. It’s the thought that counts. Or are you only with him for the material goods you can get from him?

Isn't this all about communication and assumptions? The two of you attach very different meanings to gifts and the giving of them. It seems a trivial thing to break up over.
Gifts are only gifts if they are freely given. Insisting on a minimum number and value for each birthday will turn what might be a celebration into a chore. Let him do what seems right to him, and do what seems right to you. Maybe you'll continue to give him several presents each time, or maybe you'll decide to treat him to home cooked meals and cakes or a day out instead of a physical present.

I think communication seems to be the problem here, you've got different expectations about special events. No one is right/wrong, you just need to outline your expectations, as long as these are reasonable and within his means, you should be able to have a conversation and ensure special occasions met both your expectations in the future