No birthday present - disappointed?

[FirecrackerK]

My boyfriend of a year didn't get me a birthday present.

He did make me a three course meal however, it was lovely.

He buys random gifts throughout the year, like he bought a perfume for me a few weeks ago and randomly buys things I might like every few months

It just felt weird having nothing to unwrap on the day. AIBU?

Usually I’m sympathetic, but it sounds like he recognised your birthday and made an effort. It’s absolutely personal, at this point in my life if someone treated me to a beautiful home made meal (and cleaned up everything after!), I’d consider it a wonderful gift. But as a single parent who can treat myself if needed, something practical is better than just something random to open. When younger I’d definitely wanted something to open, so I’d certainly wait and see what Christmas brings. If it’s just a nicely cooked turkey I’d be less impressed!

This is a good idea.

I voted YABU.

He went to a lot of effort to cook you a three course meal for your birthday! Not every gift needs to be unwrapped. He sounds thoughtful and seems to get you things all throughout the year ‘just because.’

He sounds like a decent man. It’s not like he didn’t do anything at all, he cooked a lovely meal for you. Sounds like a lot of effort!

It's also a what is important to thing. Some people are not bothered about gifts to unwrap, time together and effort is more important.

If gifts matter yo you, then tell him.

If next birthday he doesn't get you anything, after knowing it's important to you. Then is the time to get cross

This came up tonight.

We got talking about Christmas and he basically said he's getting me one gift. I asked why he had a 'one gift' rule - just seems bizarre to me.

I wouldn't say we argued exactly but I just said I don't want to feel limited by what he decides because we're a couple and should decide our own traditions (his family barely exchanged gifts).

If his family aren't big gift givers, then that's his norm. It doesn't mean he thinks any less of you.

My ILs were very short of money when my DH was growing up, so that was his norm too.

My ex-DH was a lavish gift giver. I got a new car for one birthday and a Gucci watch for Christmas. 12 months later he was shacked up with his secretary.

If everything else in the relationship is good, then don't chuck it away over the amount of gifts he gets you for Christmas. You can work on that long term - or not, if you decide it's actually not that important in the scheme of things

I would choose (and have chosen) a proper thoughtful all-stops-pulled-out home-cooked three-course meal by someone who loves cooking and is great at it (like DP) over maybe any gift I've ever unwrapped in my life.

@Createausername1970 I know it would be silly to chuck the relationship over it.

The fact he has a one present rule is just a bit jarring. This is what he did with his ex wife and I just thinks why can't we decide together what our celebrations will be like?

In my family it's not about being grabby. The gifts reflects the different aspects of the person we know and love, and/or our relationship to them. I know I'd feel resentful getting him several things if I get my 'one' even though it's how I express love.

It's not the end of the world, but I feel a bit sad about it.

Him spending the day cooking and getting a cake shows he put a lot of thought into your birthday (moreso than just buying a present), can you pinpoint why you're so upset about not getting a present? Usually I'd associate a present with the thought behind it that shows they care about your birthdays etc; but spending the day surely demonstrates that? I agree with a PP, if he wasn't from a family of gifters then I highly doubt him wanting to limit to one present is because he doesn't think a lot of you, just that he's probably not bothered and doesn't associate gifts or the amount of gifts as an illustration of how much you like someone; the one might be a compromise in itself he might not be bothered at all.

If presents are that big of a deal to you though perhaps it's just a mismatch that will cause upset over the years and best to nip in the bud. His show of love sounds like it could be service ie planning a meal and cooking it, yours are gifts- both fine but not a match.

@Discolites I think what's upsetting me on the one hand is the rigidity of it. It seems Scrooge like to say you'll be getting your one present and that's how it is, that's what I've done with all past partners

Just as it isn't for me to dictate our celebrations will be, id rather decide how our holidays will be together

And yes otherwise it's what I'm used to with family, past partners and my friends that I exchange gifts with too. My initial reaction is that it feels mean but that isn't necessarily fair - because he does go out of his way with homemade cooking etc.

I think a "rule" about gifts is really helpful in relationships because people have such different approaches, emotional reactions and upbringings around it all.

DP and I have a no birthday presents rule - we take each other out for a fancy meal instead. It works for us because neither of us are into gifts (giving or receiving) and we're both hard to buy for, but food is something we definitely bond over. (Over the years this rule has been loosened but only for token gifts - neither of us will ever buy the other anything huge!)

But we were on the same page to start with - it sounds like you and your boyfriend are coming from very different places. In light of that I think pulling all the stops out for a three-course meal is a wonderful way for him to show he cares in a way that comes naturally to him (because if gift-giving isn't something you've been brought up around, it's incredibly stressful trying to think of "the perfect gift" and fearing you'll get it wrong). And a one-gift rule is also a pretty decent compromise, I'd say.

This 100%

‘Making it clear about Christmas’? I’m not being funny you’re sounding quite materialistic, maybe you’ve been spoilt with all the gifts he randomly buys you. You said he spent most of the day in the kitchen prepping and cooking a meal for you AND baking you a cake. Surely all that effort should be more appreciated and shows more care than buying a pair of earrings to wrap up?

@FirecrackerK I bet this is your parents fault, I bet you had one of those giant 'Insta' piles of gifts at birthdays and Christmas and now that's your norm and what you expect from others.

One thoughtful gift from each other is quite normal as adults and quite frankly should be the norm for children or at least gifts received from everyone other than parents. By the time youve had presents from Mum, Dad, Grand ma, Grand pa, Aunty Sue, tin of chocolates from the neighbours, gift from the boyfriend then that is quite the pile.

It has only been a year, whilst it's important to set boundaries I'd be surprised if you are still together by Christmas.

Would you feel differently if it was a single very expensive gift? One piece of jewellery or do you feel the need for lots of presents but lots of them might be tat you never use?

@Coconutter24 it's not about 'earrings' at all.

If be far happier with cheap gifts if they were a reflection of my interests and/or a minding of us in some way. I love the whole process of gift giving, the wondering and unwrapping, the surprises. I love selecting the right gifts and opening them over the course of the morning.

As I said, I appreciated the meal very much and thanked him. Of course it's very thoughtful.

Maybe I have been spoiled. But also no previous partners have had this rule so I'm not sure it's that simple.

I'd expect a present to open as well as the meal he cooked. I expect some kind of gift to open. Those are my standards. If a man doesn't meet those standards, he's gone. It's a pretty basic thing and a cultural norm in the UK to buy presents for special occasions. The only way he'd escape being dumped is if he was new to the country and from a culture where presents aren't the norm. Then it would be a conversation.

It's normal to cook for a partner. It goes both ways, when it's his birthday, I'd either cook for him or pay for a meal in a restaurant. But I'd always get him a present to open too.

It's not grabby to expect a thoughtful gift from someone who is supposed to care about you. It doesn't even have to be an expensive present so there's no excuse.

I'd directly ask him why he didn't get you a present. If he in anyway implies or makes you feel like you're being ungrateful of the meal he cooked, get rid. If it was me, I'd have been really upset and asked him on the day where my present was. He'd be gone.

Life is too short. There are good guys out there. He's not the only man on the planet. I don't like the way he's expecting you to conform to this weird one gift rule at Christmas either. Nope! Gone! Tell him if he liked the things he did with his ex, he can go back to her.

You don't have to put up with this just because "he's a nice guy and my ex was a dick". Mumsnet is full of posts by women who have stayed in relationships where they have let go of everything that's important to them and all the things that make them happy because "he's a nice guy and he's a good dad".

It's not either or. You can have a nice guy that buys you presents and is keen to make new traditions with you.

Now you're all making me feel guilty and spoiled! Maybe I am.

His presents often don't do presents at all and he doesn't actually sound happy about it so I think there could be compromise and less rigidity about 'our way of doing things' from both.

I love the whole process of gift giving, the wondering and unwrapping, the surprises. I love selecting the right gifts and opening them over the course of the morning.

But you understand that not everyone feels this way? I find having to buy gifts stressful - I feel a lot of pressure to get it right, and anxiety over getting something that falls flat. In a relationship with someone who really prioritised gifts there'd also be an extra layer of anxiety that they would interpret the gift as a reflection of my feelings. I don't actually think I could be in a relationship with someone who didn't have a low-key approach to gift-giving.

It's not that DP and I don't treat each other - we'll often buy things we think the other will like, as and when we see them. (It sounds like your boyfriend does this too?) But the expectation of magnificent, meaningful gifts every birthday and Xmas is what we hate.

I’m with you, OP. I think the meal that he did for you sounds lovely but would have expected a gift too weather cheaper or more expensive! Even just a token or why didn’t he wait to give you the perfume for your birthday?

I'd directly ask him why he didn't get you a present. If he in anyway implies or makes you feel like you're being ungrateful of the meal he cooked, get rid. If it was me, I'd have been really upset and asked him on the day where my present was. He'd be gone.

If I went to the trouble of cooking a three-course meal that I'd poured my heart into and my boyfriend said this to me, he wouldn't have a chance to get rid of me because I would not stand for this ungrateful foot-stamping for one second.

"Throw him back" by all means if you don't understand that a man who pulls all the stops out to cook for you is a far rarer and more valuable thing than someone who gets you generic supermarket chocolates at the last minute every birthday just so you can have something to unwrap.

The only one present for Christmas wouldn't bother me OP, but you're allowed to feel a type of way about your birthday.

My birthday was a little over a week ago now and he didn't even get me a birthday card, though we did have a takeaway - no present to open either.

It bothered me so I talked to him about it. We then agreed that the birthday money his parents sent over for me (he usually spends this on bills) would go towards a night out at the cinema together.

Which I need to organise today and contact the babysitter in time for.

I got onto him about that too yesterday.

It's best to talk these things out rather than allow resentment to fester. I don't think if others think you are grabby is either here or there.

Earrings was just an example of a gift.
I think your biggest fail here is you keep mentioning previous partners and what they did and rule, they are irrelevant now and how they did things.

I don't think you sound spoilt, you just appear to have different views on presents. Whether it's enough of a deal breaker for you is up to you! Although people can change their views etc I'm always a fan of believing what people say and would assume presents will never be a huge deal for him- probably also receiving them.

@FirecrackerK you've got nothing to feel guilty about!

I see you're getting comments saying you're a spoilt, entitled brat for daring to expect someone you're in a relationship with to get you some kind of gift on your BIRTHDAY! But interestingly, no comments about what a tight wad Scrooge he is.

You'll get the usual holier than thou mumsnetters on every gift related thread sharing how they hate any kind of present and how celebrations are for small children only. Then you get the long term bitter ones with the comments along the lines of "I've been happily married for 30 years and my darling husband has never once bought me any kind of gift or flowers. He gave me a single lump of coal the first Christmas we were together and I was grateful of it". 30 years with no presents, are you fucking mental?! Is my thought. But each to their own. It doesn't mean you have to follow suit.

I'm the first, middle of the night, make your gift expectations clear poster.
I think you are getting a hard time here.
You aren't spoilt or grabby. What you expect and what you would do ( lots of presents) isn't wrong, its as valid as the no gift people or the one gift people or the buy a share in a Venezuelan cow people. What you have to gauge is if he's mean. Mean men stay mean men and are real joy suckers to live with. If he's mean you should consider a parting of the ways. Before his one Christmas present.