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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No birthday present - disappointed?

100 replies

FirecrackerK · 26/10/2024 01:40

My boyfriend of a year didn't get me a birthday present.

He did make me a three course meal however, it was lovely.

He buys random gifts throughout the year, like he bought a perfume for me a few weeks ago and randomly buys things I might like every few months

It just felt weird having nothing to unwrap on the day. AIBU?

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 27/10/2024 08:25

Three years is a long time to date without engagement. How old are you? Cooking at home is not a gift unless you’re married, even then it’s a bit shit unless you asked for only that. I get some people are home bodies who like that sort of thing but to me it’s boring and cheap. Also we did enough sitting in during Covid lockdowns and if you go on to have kids there will be plenty of home dates! You should be enjoying going out at this stage. Doesn’t sound like he’s particularly bothered about you and he’d be in the bin on my watch. You’re allowed to have your expectations and standards. For me if a man didn’t gift me on birthday, valentines and Christmas with something nice I would dump. Luckily dh is a big gift giver. Find someone that treats you as you want to be treated. It doesn’t matter if someone else would be happy with a cooked meal at home. If you want more then that’s fine. Don’t settle for less than.

Chipsandcheeseandgravy · 27/10/2024 08:29

@gannett I'd rather have the guy who lovingly cooks me a meal AND buys me a thoughtful gift thanks! Because that's what I'd do for him. That's my expectation of a relationship. To me, that's what's normal in a relationship.

If someone said "I've not bought you a gift, I've cooked you a meal instead", I'd be disappointed because surely they'd be cooking me a special meal anyway as that's a normal thing to do on a birthday. Either that or a meal in a restaurant.

So your "no meal and cheap chocolates" guy would be gone too! Sorry!

commonsense61 · 27/10/2024 08:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 27/10/2024 08:38

@Pyjamatimenow the odd thing is that he is a gift giver, just not on special occasions.

If he see something in a shop he thinks I'll like he'll pick it up. He might do this a few times a year.

Or two weeks ago bought me perfume while we were shopping. I'm hindsight he should've kept it and wrapped it for my birthday.

These occasions are ritualistic to me too. I get to sit down and relax of a day, savouring the gifts someone has picked out. Often I'll be stressed working from home when he comes in with something and I can't appreciate it the same way.

OP posts:
Wellingtonspie · 27/10/2024 08:43

Sounds like he prefers to give people something they would love when he sees something he thinks they will love rather than waiting till special dates to then hand over items.

Tbh I’d prefer the off lovely gift once a month than a couple of hastily purchased items just because it’s my birthday or Christmas.

HumerousHumous · 27/10/2024 08:48

I think the meal is a nice gesture but in no way replaces a gift. He has benefited from the meal too. I presume he shared the meal (and cake) with you too and it wasn't just one portion of whatever for you to eat? If so, that's a shared gift.

I would mention it but how you do that, I don't know!

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 08:50

If events are important to you, you just have to spell it out in so many words.
"I understand you might not get this, but for me special occasions like birthdays and Christmas are really important. I'd prefer no gifts throughout the year and you saving them for these occasions. Even if you find it silly, please make the effort for me as those occasions can't be replaced for me".

My DH has got better but at first couldn't keep a secret so kept giving me gifts as soon as they arrived.

Westfacing · 27/10/2024 08:52

Also that the monetary value is of no consequence - it's the act of caring enough to get something suitable for a particular day.

But he spent the day cooking a three course dinner and baked a cake - that sounds quite caring!

No woman should settle for low offerings but some men just don't do gifts on the special day itself.

GroovyChick87 · 27/10/2024 08:56

The meal is not a present. I think sometimes people have different expectations. Maybe in his family it's normal not to give gifts on birthdays. Or it could be that he sees you as casual, still. When I first met my husband he was awful at buying gifts. The first birthday I had with him he bought me a lingerie set and the second which happened to be my 30th he bought me a candle from the card shop. I had to tell him I was unhappy with that and that it wasn't about spending lots, but making an effort to make me feel appreciated. Now he's really good at gifts and he knows exactly what I want.

Barney16 · 27/10/2024 08:58

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 08:50

If events are important to you, you just have to spell it out in so many words.
"I understand you might not get this, but for me special occasions like birthdays and Christmas are really important. I'd prefer no gifts throughout the year and you saving them for these occasions. Even if you find it silly, please make the effort for me as those occasions can't be replaced for me".

My DH has got better but at first couldn't keep a secret so kept giving me gifts as soon as they arrived.

This exactly. If someone loves you they are responsive to your needs and wants even if it's not necessarily what they would do/have done previously. My OH would if, left to his own devices, do nothing for any special occasion because that was what his, in my opinion, completely dysfunctional childhood was like. I explained what was important to me. Now we do gift giving and cards because he knows it means something to me. I know full well if he wasn't with me he wouldn't. Just to add he is very generous and is a random present buyer too, he just didn't get the special occasion thing.

FiveShelties · 27/10/2024 08:59

It would have been so much easier for him to have spent 5 minutes picking up a random gift set. Instead he spends all day making a cake and cooking you a special meal and you are unhappy?

mewkins · 27/10/2024 09:05

Chipsandcheeseandgravy · 27/10/2024 08:10

I'd expect a present to open as well as the meal he cooked. I expect some kind of gift to open. Those are my standards. If a man doesn't meet those standards, he's gone. It's a pretty basic thing and a cultural norm in the UK to buy presents for special occasions. The only way he'd escape being dumped is if he was new to the country and from a culture where presents aren't the norm. Then it would be a conversation.

It's normal to cook for a partner. It goes both ways, when it's his birthday, I'd either cook for him or pay for a meal in a restaurant. But I'd always get him a present to open too.

It's not grabby to expect a thoughtful gift from someone who is supposed to care about you. It doesn't even have to be an expensive present so there's no excuse.

I'd directly ask him why he didn't get you a present. If he in anyway implies or makes you feel like you're being ungrateful of the meal he cooked, get rid. If it was me, I'd have been really upset and asked him on the day where my present was. He'd be gone.

Life is too short. There are good guys out there. He's not the only man on the planet. I don't like the way he's expecting you to conform to this weird one gift rule at Christmas either. Nope! Gone! Tell him if he liked the things he did with his ex, he can go back to her.

You don't have to put up with this just because "he's a nice guy and my ex was a dick". Mumsnet is full of posts by women who have stayed in relationships where they have let go of everything that's important to them and all the things that make them happy because "he's a nice guy and he's a good dad".

It's not either or. You can have a nice guy that buys you presents and is keen to make new traditions with you.

I'm with you. A homecooked meal is great but is something you both enjoy together. Some would be happy with that as a birthday present but he should have discussed that first 'for your birthday your gift will be a meal cooked by me. Is that OK with you?'.

Most people would expect a gift on their birthday. It isn't unusual. If you are going to do something different then you prepare the other person.

Also, why does he get to set the rules about the Christmas gifts? Again that needs to be a discussion.

gannett · 27/10/2024 09:09

FirecrackerK · 27/10/2024 08:38

@Pyjamatimenow the odd thing is that he is a gift giver, just not on special occasions.

If he see something in a shop he thinks I'll like he'll pick it up. He might do this a few times a year.

Or two weeks ago bought me perfume while we were shopping. I'm hindsight he should've kept it and wrapped it for my birthday.

These occasions are ritualistic to me too. I get to sit down and relax of a day, savouring the gifts someone has picked out. Often I'll be stressed working from home when he comes in with something and I can't appreciate it the same way.

You see I don't understand this at all. I'm the opposite - I love getting surprised by something randomly when I'm not expecting it. I don't like the expectations that surround anything "ritualistic" from either the giving or receiving perspective. And I just much prefer experiences over physical objects. We're all different. There is no "normal". If you want something done a particular way that's fine, but you have to communicate it - and it would be absolutely out of order if you called someone who spent all day making you a three-course meal and who buys you gifts throughout the year a "tightwad scrooge" as others have suggested.

GroovyChick87 · 27/10/2024 09:09

FiveShelties · 27/10/2024 08:59

It would have been so much easier for him to have spent 5 minutes picking up a random gift set. Instead he spends all day making a cake and cooking you a special meal and you are unhappy?

Why couldn't he have bought a meaningful gift and still made the meal ( that he probably ate half of?). That's what most partners would do. Or take their partner for a meal if they don't cook.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 27/10/2024 09:09

@mewkins I agree, 100%

It's off putting that he's setting a rule about it with my input.

What if we have kids? Will they get one gift and that's Xmas done?

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 09:09

FiveShelties · 27/10/2024 08:59

It would have been so much easier for him to have spent 5 minutes picking up a random gift set. Instead he spends all day making a cake and cooking you a special meal and you are unhappy?

I know people roll their eyes at the 5 love languages but "actually of service" and "gifts" are two different ones. To some people, "acts of service" mean nothing compared to gifts.

alittlesnack · 27/10/2024 09:12

I am in two minds but am leaning towards not to worry too much about this especially since he gives thoughtful presents every now and then for no special reason. Maybe he thought spending time creating a nice birthday meal including a cake, would be more meaningful than a present and card.

At Xmas, my family buys one present for each family member now that we are adults (our DC gets a few more). For us adults, it is just a token present to acknowledge the occasion and fun to open, but the best time is eating Xmas lunch together with lots of laughter and fun. Maybe it seems cheap to some to have one gift but it’s only this post and noting specifically that your partner said one present at Xmas, that I thought of this OP.

Maria1979 · 27/10/2024 09:12

@FirecrackerK Im the exact opposite to you. I rather have a gift spontaneously than on special occasions because people feel forced to give. For Valentine's day hubby knows not to give me anything because I hate it. Get me chocolate or flowers any day and I will be happy but not when you are "supposed" to do it. I would have loved your bfs attention of a meal, this is love. And he is not mean because he did get you a perfume two weeks before. Accept his way and you do your way. But I think one gift is very sensible for an adult if it's a well thought out gift. We are consuming too much and it's unsustainable in the long run. Your bf is a keeper.

FiveShelties · 27/10/2024 09:12

GroovyChick87 · 27/10/2024 09:09

Why couldn't he have bought a meaningful gift and still made the meal ( that he probably ate half of?). That's what most partners would do. Or take their partner for a meal if they don't cook.

Show quote history

Perhaps he thought the effort he put in would be enough?

Maybe??

mondaytosunday · 27/10/2024 09:15

If he says he's getting you one gift that's fine. Doesn't mean you have to keep to that. And should you eventually have kids the same applies too - you don't have to do what he says. But a frank discussion about values etc would be worthwhile before taking the plunge.

FiveShelties · 27/10/2024 09:15

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 09:09

I know people roll their eyes at the 5 love languages but "actually of service" and "gifts" are two different ones. To some people, "acts of service" mean nothing compared to gifts.

Show quote history

Never heard of this, but it seems really sad.

mewkins · 27/10/2024 09:15

FirecrackerK · 27/10/2024 09:09

@mewkins I agree, 100%

It's off putting that he's setting a rule about it with my input.

What if we have kids? Will they get one gift and that's Xmas done?

It's a bit like he resents the time he's expected to spend thinking about and buying the gift.

You said he bought you perfume while you were with him. Have the other gifts been bought while you were there or you mentioned something and he bought it? Because those don't require any additional thinking time.

yeaitsmeagain · 27/10/2024 09:15

Are you sure he didn't forget and then went out of his way to cover it up with the meal? Sounds a bit like a guilty conscience.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 27/10/2024 09:21

I think spending his day making a special meal and cake sounds lovely and thoughtful. He obviously cares about you.

MakeItRain26 · 27/10/2024 09:30

Agree with pp. This doesn’t have to be a big deal. You just need to say you really appreciate all the effort he went to with the meal but you found it a bit hard not having something to unwrap and could you agree now to get Xmas presents and what budget would he like to set