DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Ahhhh. The ole blended family...

Who told that?

My father helped me a lot when I was young and starting out. He paid my rent and council tax. He also bought me a new work wardrobe and nice bag. He could easily afford it and he wanted to. He was proud of his only daughter growing up.

I would have been furious (as would he) if my new step-mum had tried to get in the way of that.

This has nothing to do with you or your children. I can’t believe you think it does.

You got together 2 years after his wife died, and then he moved his daughter's life to another country to live with people she barely knew and now as the new wife you call her a spoilt princess because she as the only girl, got the only room with an ensuite and earns 24k doing a degree apprenticeship (aka studying whilst working full time, your sons should take a note from her).

you also want your adult children(who have a father), who you don't want to get a job in case it affects their studies treated equally. They are treated equally, they have a father of their own who can spoil then. She doesn't have two parents she only has one. If your sons worked they could also have the extra money that his daughter has.

There was a thread on MN earlier in the week asking “why does MN hate blended families so much?”

and this, this shit right here is why MN hates blended families.

Unfair comment with a hint of sarcasm

Are your children not being supported by their own father? Your children have two parents to spoil them. Your DSD only has on parent.

It’s not though. It’s impossible to create a blended family with kids as old as this.

Spot on

Why is it unfair? He has two parents who can subsidise his student lifestyle.

You say sarcastic. I say factual.

I imagine the comment was completely serious and not sarcastic at all.

Specifically mentioning certain things like being friends with this man before the wife dies does make me wonder about the intentions here.

You honestly sound so jealous and resentful. It's his own money to do with as he wishes. Do you expect him to be financially supporting your teenage children as well? If so, that's just nuts.
Where is your children's actual father and why can't he top up their spending money? Why can't they get jobs and top up themselves? This girl is working AND studying. Shes lost her Mum, been uprooted from her home country, working her butt off and now living with a woman who clearly resents her. She deserves all the nice things that come her way.

You've effectively only been together 2 years and I don't think it's his responsibility to fund step children he hasn't raised. Ultimately its annoying and you're jealous. I would be too but your kids don't call him dad or expect anything so let it go.

Why wouldn’t the daughter? She’s intelligent and already has a job in a good field whilst studying.

Struggling isn’t a virtue that’s inherently better than the alternative.

And her role commands the higher salary. She isn't flipping burgers (not that there is anything wrong with that) but different jobs command different salaries

What is bonkers about £24k?? That is minimum wage. Your son makes nothing because he doesn't work. He's studying history, so there is no reason he can't have a part-time job to top up his student loan spending money like other people do. New iPhone, gym membership, travel paid for, and free food...your son is spoilt too!

I don’t think she’s spoilt - her means are simply greater. She’s studying and working, so she clearly has the smarts and the drive to make an excellent life for herself. Good for her.

Your partner shouldn’t provide less for her to compensate for your inability to do the same for your children. It’s up to him how he parents, and how he spends his money.

The poor girl. Her mum has died and therefore she hasn’t had a mum for the finishing school and choosing a career path - an emotional and vulnerable time.

She and her dad would have had to work through a lot of firsts that traditionally a mother would help her daughter with - periods, body changes, school formals.

And then she gets through, finds a career pathway in which she will probably be well remunerated and her stepmum calls her a “spoilt princess”.

You’re coming out of this like a spoilt child, yourself. OP. Show some compassion

Sounds like you've married well but are resentful of your husband spending his money on his daughter.
His daughter who lost her mother at the age of 10.
I hope you are nicer to the poor girl than this post suggests or it will drive a wedge between you and your husband.

What a lovely dad to his dd!

She only has him. Please show love and grace towards your step daughter. Losing your mother at 10, will affect her forever.

‘Spoilt’ is an about attitude and behaviour. It’s not simply to do with what you are given.

This isn't a blended family. These are adults coming together when their kids are adults.

Giving people “things” doesn’t spoil them . It’s how the person appreciates them and is grateful for what they get . That’s the difference. Maybe his daughter is full of thanks and gratitude. Does sound like you are jealous . Also , your son can work also . But you have separate finances and it’s his money . He can do as he pleases .

This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing

Er Because she got onto a course that pays a good salary

None of your business what he wants to spend his spare money on with his own daughter!