DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

In my industry it's common to not qualify until you late 28s and most of my friends at some point had support from their parents. It takes a minimum of 2 degrees offen 3! We were on student loans and then university stipends. The stipends were approximately the equivalent to minimum wage.

It's a conversation between them. It sounds like £24k, I assume before tax unless it's a stipend it which case it won't be taxed, isn't enough to find her lifestyle but dad is in a position to do so. It's probably a bit culture shock to make an 18yo fund it but it would be different if it's still the case when she's 21-25 and still needing the same financial support.

That said. I would be mortified if I was her and haven't taken a penny from my parents that I didn't desperately need after my mum slapped me aged 21 for not being grateful "enough" for the money I did get and I haven't accepted anything off them aside from Christmas and birthday presents since I graduated from my undergraduate degree! My mother has built in an unhealthy amount of shame into accepting financial help from someone. Relationships and relationships with money are complicated!

There does seem to be an element of jealousy. They have no mortgage, dh pays 70% of joint costs and still has plenty of disposable income. As a dermatologist, he will have a great pension on retirement, so won’t have that to worry about. I mean, what else would he spend his money on if not his own daughter. I’m surprised he was short sighted enough to marry again though in all honesty, a decision he may well regret later.

What a greedy entitled witch (should be another word, but it'll be deleted). And I'm not talking about the daughter.

He's already subbing you and your lazy workshy sons aplenty, adding 'a fair bit more' (as you say) of money to buy you a house you otherwise couldn't afford and paying 70% of the bills, although there are two of them and three of you. He chooses to treat his orphaned daughter with his personal money, money HE earned.

You wan't 'fairer'? Cover half the house purchase and at least half the bills, since there are three of you. No? Didn't think so.

This girl is working and earning 24k at 18, that's fantastic, not 'bonkers'. And begrudging her 500k for the house she'll be able to buy.. Yes, because HER MOM DIED and she has a hag for a stepmother.

I'm usually taking stepmoms' side as they do get an unfair bashing here, but you are despicable. I sincerely hope someone recognizes your family from here, shows this thread to your husband and he'll dump you.

£24k is hardly raking it in. It’s really not your business how much your partner spends on his daughter. I’d resent a partner questioning what I spend on my child. Remember, blood is thicker than water.

Your son could actually get a job. I worked 4 jobs through a double degree. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t work part time while at university, including very wealthy people.

I couldn't agree more...

What a vile, vile woman. Every post gets worse.

I wish this girl nothing but happiness and success and hope her father sees the money grabbing witch his wife is.

24k is pretty standard for a degree apprenticeship nationally. In London its an absolute pittance yet youre acting like she's rolling in it.

You sound really resentful and YABVU

How he spends his money is up to him. It's not joint money.
Is the daughter's attitude spoilt or does she just have more and nicer stuff?

Thos would be marriage ending for me. I'm talking about dh. His child lost her mother at a very hard age. You get married and think your daughter will have some normalcy. Then you realize you married the fairy tale wicked step mother. I say this as an ex step mother so I'm Def not a step mother hater.

I am with everyone else on this. His daughter, he can spend as much of his own money on her as he likes. Not his fault or hers that you can’t afford the same for yours. She is working and studying at the same time. Your son can do the same!
As for the rooms. I would be inclined to let her have the room with the en-suite. Is your children’s dad helping you out?

This won't end well. I would drop it if I were you. He can spend his disposable income as he wishes. The more U rail against his daughter the more U will alienate him and her. U do U and Ur kids. I do bail out my kids more than my partner would like, I don't appreciate it when he mentions it. I never comment on what he spends on his kid. His kid also will have a half mill home of his own and mine will be buying their own. If U value your relationship I would leave this be. The older ones may move out soon. It's not a hill to die on

Sounds to me like your kids are spoiled too - they get everything paid for and then arisen loan is for funsies? Not many kids out there who get that.

he is trying to be two parents to her and has likely over compensated for years with gifts. I don’t think he has to stop just because your kids will see it. At least yours are boys so won’t be as jealous of
clothes and jewellery etc

Everything everyone else has said plus you do realise £24k is only a snip over minimum wage don’t you? Alright it’s lower for her age group but Labour are talking about getting rid of that and my point is it’s not a high wage (though it sounds like she will be a high earner in that career and good for her)

Given your relationship and the timeframe in which it came about associated to your relative children I would say that the bills and food for the family should come from the joint. Everything else is for each of you to decide upon outside of that.

If that leaves you short that’s a discussion for you to have together about your contribution to the joint account, but why should DH subsidise you and your teenage children when none of you are really his responsibility?

Of course that would be different of you were a SAHM taking in the load of raising his child or you were sick and unable to work, but you are neither of those things.

Just because his daughter has been smart and got herself a job earning £24k why should she receive less subsidy and why should he support your teenage children over her?

Her mum died when she was 10. She’ll never have what your two have. Nothing anywhere near as fabulous- a mum. How can you begrudge her any form of consolation - it’s just material stuff after all.

Every message you sound worse OP. I hope his will is set to his daughter and you and your spoilt brat sons learn to pay your own way.

You really aren't suited to being partnered with a wealthy person.

All over Mumsnet, people in a relatively early stage of blending families, are told that step parents should butt out of decisions regarding their step kids. But here you are, judging your partner for his decisions regarding his child.

If you can't cope with his child being much more financially fortunate than yours, then it's best that you quit the relationship.

Sounds like you’re the one who’s jealous! Gotta say, I might be too in your shoes. 😆Don’t feed into that mindset. Let daughter be happy and teach your sons to be good men and not compete with the daughter. They have nothing to do with how her father provides for her, it’s simply no one’s business.

Your partner sounds wealthy and able to afford treating his daughter. Comparison is the thief of joy OP. But you all sound very fortunate to me :)

edited to add obvs apart from the very devastating loss both your partner and his daughter have experienced

This is giving real life Cinderella vibes. Her Mother is dead her Father is doing all he can to compensate for that. A degree apprenticeship is a huge amount of work, effort and stress compared to doing just a degree. No long holidays often any holidays are used to do Uni work.
Your son could apply for a degree apprenticeship if he wanted but you wanted him to have less stress fair enough but he can work in his long holidays and most uni students are not in 9-5 every day either.

So the thing is that I wouldn't parent the way he is - I do actually think it isn't ideal to shower your adult children with this much in the way of luxury goods.

But your reason for objecting to it doesn't seem to be anything to do with whether it is or isn't good for his DD, it's all about not being able to do the same for yours. You sort of imply that if you could give your son the same, you would, so you obviously don't really think it's a bad thing.

And also I kind of feel like when you get together with someone and you both have older children, it isn't practical to try and parent the same. If you can't make your peace with how he parents, it's not reasonable to try and drive a compromise, you should just leave.

Jesus OP let it go, he’s not obliged to give his own daughter less so that you and your sons can have more.

She has 500k because her mum is dead, not because she’s a terrible spoiled person.

You actually sound really jealous that he spends so much on his DD and that she has access to his credit card. Do you think it should be you with that stuff? Because as a mum I spend way more on my DD than I do on my husband, to me thats quite normal.

I’m wondering if the OP is jealous of the stepdaughter in general. There’s certainly no warmth for a young woman whose mother died at a formative age.

I did a history degree. There’s less than 10 hours a week of contact time. Definitely time to work!

And your son gets 4-5 months off DOING NOTHING. God I pray your husband does see this and his eyes are opened.

The only response I can summon up to all the points you've raised so far is
"And?"

You chose seperate finances.
She is not your daughter.
He is not your son's dad.
What he does with his own money and his daughter is absolutely nothing to do with you.
Why do you think it is?