DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

@Asofcati

Okay I will defend her here, one the degree isn’t wealth management that’s just what her role is, I think the degree is actually something like Financial Services . Two nothing to do with her dad, he’s a dermatologist and has no contacts that would have been useful, she did it all on her own. What a weird assumption to make.

Not weird at all. This is the picture you deliberately or not, tried to paint of her . A spoilt, trust fund, princess, nepo baby.

So maybe have a think about that.

I would not worry too much but involving your SD in community or charity work could help her be more
A degree apprenticeship involves working 4 days a week, 9-5 then spending a full day studying for a degree which requires the same amount of work outside classes as a person doing a full time degree. During the holidays, employers expect students to go in on their day ' off' when they should be learning on the job, but often do their normal jobs. They are entitled to 2 weeks off.When is she going to do charity work? I think maybe the sons are being taught that you don't have to work if you don't want to. Just find someone to bankroll you.

Just wait till her long-dead parent turns out to have discovered a diamond mine in India just before succumbing to brainfever, and the co-owner of the mine is found to be living next door to you, and makes your daughter rich beyond the dreams of avarice, and every day you have to watch her go around in her carriage in diamonds and furs and French boots!

If she isn't spoiled yet, she is going to be OFF THE SCALE.

She gets 28 days annual leave to use on work days?

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

I suppose your DC have two living parents? Maybe ask the dad to contribute?

It's his child, your finances are separate. Just stay out of it. you sound ridiculous and jealous!

What lesson are you teaching your son, that you think is so much more valuable that he is teaching his daughter?

It’s clear this has nothing to do with your son. It’s you that’s jealous be sure you want more.

He pays 70% into the joint account and of the house. He is financing your son already and that’s not enough. YOU want more for you.

So go earn it. This is so bizarre I hope it’s not real. Or some attempt at hoping people will be jealous you have a wealthy husband. But why would they be. You still, clearly, just want more.

You are still not happy.

It sounds as if he is contributing quite a lot to the household and therefore phones etc for your children, so if you were on your own you wouldn’t be able to have the lifestyle or treat your children the way you do. So I think that you just have to accept that he wants to treat his daughter and that he can afford to. I think it’s a difficult situation with older teens and blended family parents having different incomes and not sharing everything equally.
Op, did you DP’s higher income affect the amount of student loan your son got?

I think YABVU.

YABU @Asofcati and if you don't get a grip of your growing jealousy and resentment, it will destroy your marriage.

It's his money he's spending. You resent her and the fact that you can't do the same for your children and don'thavethesame given to youas she doesn't, but you (and them) are getting a bloody good deal. As the only young woman she should have got the other ensuite. He isn't your meal ticket. If it wasn't for him, your DS would have to work, appreciate that. Look at what you've got and not what you haven't got. Your DH could just as easy think, why do I have to work and the other males don't? When/if they all go on to have children, there's going to be a difference. That's what happens when you move in with someone when your children are young adults.

God forbid. How many days off does your spoiled brat DS get off uni?

I'm talking about the apprenticeship off the job hours. She doesn't get weeks off like your DS when uni is off. Good for her if her employer is giving her annual leave. Your DS has every uni holiday off including about 3 months over the summer. Why should she be doing charity work when she's working full time?

I'm glad you came back OP, just to confirm how truly dreadful you really are.

That's annual leave, every working person is allowed annual leave. She doesn't get the month off over Christmas or the 3 months off in the summer that your son does.

Seriously you need to have a word with yourself because you really aren't coming across very well.

Fair enough DS could work but that wouldn’t even out the gifts situation

I mean at this point it’s just about entitlement, isn’t it? You live mortgage free - thanks to your husband. Your son has his basic needs covered as well as a phone and gym memebership from joint family monies to which you admit your husband makes a larger contribution than you. Despite doing a degree where there is no professional outcome (doctor, nurse, teacher, vet….) and thus an expectation that he works as part of his course, he does no paid work. That is a way better deal than by far the majority of young people currently at uni.

You then expect your husband to spend the same on your son, a child who is not his responsibility, as he spends on his daughter? Why? Why is this your expectation?

He sure as hell needs to get his will in order to ensure his daughter is provided for. I don’t fancy her chances if everything is left in your hands.

Green eyed monster OP. The girl lost her mother at age 10, that's incredibly tough and her Dad has always felt guilty and the need to compensate. There are so many men that do the complete opposite. He sounds like a good guy.

You have a comfortable life by the sounds of it. You've got 2 healthy sons who will become professionals in the not too distant future and a high earning husband, plus you aren't skint yourself. I don't really see your angst other than pure resentment because your sons aren't earning 24k and wearing designer clothes at age 18. Well, they aren't and that's their lives for now. This will eat you up if you don't stop it. You sound in a much nicer position than me and lots of other people who are nowhere near as bitter as you.

I don’t think it is a reasonable expectation for an undergraduate to work (except in the holidays).

I know some do, by necessity, but it is completely different to a degree/apprenticeship. If you are doing an academic degree, and history is definitely academic, your study should be your work.

This

I seriously doubt many history students are spending 40 hours a week on their studies, unless this has really changed since I was at university.

I suspect he’s got his money protected, which is contributing to OP’s rancor. Unlike his daughter, she doesn’t have access to his credit cards.

She will never struggle to a buy a house as she has over half a million tucked away from her mum!

From her ‘mum’s death.

You sound callous. The use of an exclamation mark here makes me wince. ‘Tucked away’ sounds like she is sneaky and avaricious. Why not say ‘saved’?

Look at your boys. Imagine what their lives would have been like had you died when they were ten. I find this girl’s situation so sad. And your clear jealousy of her wardrobe is just embarrassing.

I hope she has some kind of softer mother figure in her life. I really do.

OP you sound jealous of your stepdaughter. It's not very nice.

Imagine being jealous of your step daughter for having money to buy a house because her mum died. Then having a shitty step mum who resents her own father treating her.

Because it’s not fair that he spends his own private spending money on her.

Just imagine I’m sure the poor lass would much rather her mum be alive together with her dad and her than the 500k and living with you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely this.

Also I wonder if some of this jealousy the op is displaying towards the DD is also about the DD's mother and her wealth.
Perhaps feeling "less than" the mother and dd in her DH's eyes/heart?

I can't imagine it's easy to follow in the footsteps of a deceased wife, knowing they hadn't actually split up by choice.

Firstly, a degree apprenticeship in a private bank will be very much 'dress for the job you want not the job you have.' She is essentially auditioning, and would absolutely need to look the part. It may also be that she goes out for an expensive lunch or needs to buy a round of no doubt expensive drinks, and the credit card is a safety net for this. And a cab back should she find herself in an uncomfortable position. It really is a role where you need to match and understand your clients lifestyles. Good on him for understanding these 'soft' elements of the job.

Secondly, I would put all your energies into making sure your son can maximise the potential of his degree when he graduates. What does he want to do? Can he start interning, getting work experience etc as soon as possible so his CV is stellar. Lots of management consultancies etc offer internships over the summer - help him start looking.

That's where the imbalance will show itself eventually, in her high income. So help him be in a position to achieve the same if he wants it, or to be happy with what he does choose. Not splitting hairs over phone contracts or her dad looking after her and making sure she has an appropriate work wardrobe. They both probably wish her mum could have been there to help her with it.