DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.

He really is creating a spoilt daddy's little princess. That level of materialism in an 18 year old is repulsive to me. But not much you can do, without being deemed the wicked stepmother.

Wouldn't it have been her 18th birthday? Most people spoil their children on their 18th.
I dint see the issue.

I'm sorry, but rich people do that. They can afford it. I don't know why people don't get that. There are probably plenty of people who are on mumsnet who buy expensive cars etc. I don't because I can't afford it, if I had the money I probably would buy better.
No one feels spoilt if they have the money to buy it. She would only be spoilt if she was having a tantrum and demanding items which were unaffordable.

Is he spoiling OP's DC rotten on their birthdays? I don't think so. I lived with a poor man's version of this situation and it broke my heart for the discrepancy in the way the son of then partner was treated versus how his daughter was treated.

I don't think there is any changing this man, though. It's kind of incestuous in my view.

He sounds protective of his daughter and quite rightly so as she lost her mother at a young age. By spoiling her he probably feels he is going some way to compensating for that loss. I am glad he seems to be prioritising her. You sound jealous. Annoyed about her inheritance and that your sons won’t get the same. Poor girl.

@lightandstars Is he spoiling OP's DC rotten on their birthdays? I don't think so. I lived with a poor man's version of this situation and it broke my heart for the discrepancy in the way the son of then partner was treated versus how his daughter was treated.
I don't think there is any changing this man, though. It's kind of incestuous in my view.

Well he paid for their house, pays 70% to house them, pays 70% of their phone bill, gym membership etc why would he spoil OP’s teenagers specifically on their birthday? What is their father doing on their birthday?
Why do biological fathers get off scot free and the new man is expected to provide everything for children that aren’t his just because he’s in a relationship with their mother?
The DH in this case is covering the memory of the bills allowing OP more of her own money than ever to spend spoiling her own children.

The OP’s sons can be spoiled rotten on their birthdays by their mum and their dad. The DH’s daughter doesn’t have a mum.

Why would he? They have their own parents to do that.

Here's the thing, if it was truly that awful, OP could leave. Sure, her and her kids would have even less without him, but if she is that principled and worried about the unfairness that's the most straightforward way to fix it. She's not doing that though is she? She's expecting her husband to give his daughter less. Why should she penalised because her dad remarried?

Ugh, I really dislike women like you OP.

This 18 year old young woman has been dealt one of the brutalist blows life can throw with the death of her mother.

I've a 10 yr old dd and I feel choked up imagining her distress if anything happened to me.

You are so full of resentment and jealousy I hope your DH twigs to just how deep this goes and divorces you.

How dare you question what her father spends on her with HIS money.

Meanwhile your lazy son gets a free pass of your criticism. An 18 year old man who doesn't work, takes subs off his mother because she wants him to study history.

The way you speak about your dsd is dripping with irritation. I hope they both get rid of you and your freeloading sons.

Why should he the OP and the father of her children can do that?
Would be different if he'd been their stepfather since they were little but they're adults now.

But they're not his children or small children. The OP has been very quiet about whether their father pays anything towards them. At a guess he probably does as she would have mentioned it if he didn't just to strengthen her case.

I doubt that’s it. Even if he hasn’t protected his assets prior to remarrying, and I strongly suspect he has, it’s a relatively short marriage with established separate finances and no joint children. OP would be unlikely to walk away with any more than she came in with.

I personally would find the levels of materialism and indulgence a bit crass and it is not something I would be comfortable with or would want to be around. And I especially dont like the 'princess' aspect of fathers over spolling their daughters, it's just a very gendered dynamic that for some reason, no doubt deep in my psyche, gives me the ick. I would have zero interest in living in that world. But it seems OP in your case that you ARE largely happy for you and your children to live what is a very privileged life by any measure,, which is partly funded by what is clearly a ruch man so I'm afraid you don't really get to turn your nose up at the parts of that you don't like and you especially don't get to complain that more of that isn't coming your sons way. He is already probably in the top 10% in terms of luck, money etc so you and he should count yourselves very lucky indeed. Maybe when he's studying history he'll gain and share the kind of perspective you seem to be lacking.

Aye it’s shit family blending isn’t it. Op made shitty choices thinking she was getting herself and sons a golden goose.

Despite him paying 70% of everything and the majority of a new nicer bigger home it’s still not enough though.

Chap sounds like a great dad to his daughter.

If ops children feel shit because of different gifts that’s on her for blending with a rich man.

If you insist he changes how he treats her, he’ll have to explain why. And if I were her, I don’t think I’d be happy with, “Because your stepmother is giving me earache about it.”

Hi daughter is WORKING. Do you understand what a degree apprenticeship is? It takes longer as well and is hard work. And she needs professional attire.

you sound jealous of his daughter. Your children were not brought up together so they are neither step children or step siblings.

his child lost her mother at a young age yet you have no compassion- and she has been in your life for a good few years.

your oh earns more than you so this doesn’t impact your life, do not your business and you shouldn’t have raised your kids to compare.

I really hope this gets picked up by the media and someone recognises the man and lets him know about his wife’s true intentions.

It does sound like the OP from that thread! @titchy also called it! The OP quite rightly was told then that she appeared to resent the DD. It seems nothing’s changed.

They’re not his kids, why would he? They have two parents to do that.

Incestuous? What is going on in your head to even think that?

The son is not his. So it’s nothing like the ‘heart breaking’ breaking situation you brought up.

Did you just bring up something entirely irrelevant to slip in you think a father buying his daughter thing's is incestuous?

Or do you see the act of buying gifts for women as only done if there’s something romantic/sexual going on? Even from family?

But it wouldn’t be repulsive if Op does for her son?

Which is what Op wants? She wants the gifting to be equal.

This is a weird thread, or the responses are.

Regardless of what you think of the OP, don’t you think her son must feel like a second class citizen in his own home?

It would be a bit like a blended family going oh holiday together and the richer parent and child flying business and the poorer one economy. Maybe it is the richer parent’s right to pay up, but it is still not decent behaviour.

I doubt an 18 year old young man was particularly fazed that his step sister was given new clothes and shoes for work on her birthday.

well, he might be upset now, after the OP has produced her spreadsheet showing what everyone in the family gets from her DH 😀.

If the DH is expected to give expensive birthday gifts to the OP’s sons, then that should go both ways, surely? I wonder what the OP gave her step daughter for a birthday present?

Not remotely. The children in this home were not brought up together.

It is on the OP to manage her sons expectations. How petty and spoilt of the boy in this scenario to feel jealous over a father buying his own daughter a few designer clothes. The son is the one that sounds like a brat, a lazy one at that.

I really hope the DH in this scenario is identified and alerted. This isn't the first post made about this young woman. I am certain her father would like to know who he has brought into her life.