DH is spoiling his adult daughter

[Asofcati]

Context first, DH and I have been together for 6 years, the first 4 years was sort of long distance as he was living in Paris at the time. He has one child. A daughter, who’s 18. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16.
His daughters mother was French but she passed away when she was just 10 and DH and I had been friends before that.
Anyway 2 years ago he and his daughter moved to London, I sold my home and we bought a house together. Luckily we were in a position to be mortgage free. We both work, he earns a decent amount more than I do but I appreciate we are both well off and comfortable. We generally keep finances separate, and transfer proportional amounts to a joint bank account which covers communal bills and groceries.
This year both the older kids started uni, his daughter is doing a degree apprenticeship in Wealth Planning at a private bank and is making 24k already which just seems bonkers to me but whatever, my son is studying history. They are both still living at home, we don’t charge them rent etc.
We agreed that we’d cover the same things for both of them then my son would have his student loan (basic amount) and his DD would have her wage for fun spending. This already seemed unfair to me as she makes a lot of money while my son makes nothing but I was trying to keep the peace.
We cover for them (from the joint account)

• Phone bill - they both got the new iPhone recently so this is expensive
• gym membership
• groceries they eat at home
• travel to uni/work

Anything outside that is up to them.

Today I found out that DH has added his daughter as an authorised user on his credit card which he pays off from his personal money. Her birthday was in August and he bought her a brand new MacBook, a whole designer wardrobe for work (think Ralph Lauren etc.), a designer work hand bag and jewellery from the likes of Van Cleef and Tiffany.
I thought it was ridiculous but it was his money and his choice but now he’s basically funding her entirely while she makes over 1.5k a month, has no rent to pay etc.

I think he’s turning her into a little spoilt princess, she’s 18 and has more disposable income than most, add in dads credit card and she’s living it up good style.

I make less than him and have 2 children so can’t do the same for them which I’m worried will cause jealousy (she already has the 2nd biggest room in the house plus the only room other than the master with an en-suite which caused drama at first!).

AIBU to think this is bloody ridiculous? How would you handle it?

And he would be absolutely correct.

If anybody is spoiled here it’s you and your darling son living in a house you can’t afford without this man and living off a joint account he pays 70% towards.

And yet you’re still complaining.

Put this one back OP because there’s plenty of us that would want a man like this. Oh and he speaks French? Extra bonus.

I think a lot of this hinges on the ages of the "children". If they were 8 and 10 it would be entirely different. We are talking about young adults.
This is not a blended family.
When I was married and bringing up my children we had no separate money at all-everything was in joint names and joint accounts.
If I had entered into a second marriage when my kids were 18+ I would definitely not have blended like that again.
Any new house would have been tenants in common, proportional to what we put in and we would have had separate finances contributing fairly to household expenses.
I would not have accepted anyone interfering in my relationship with my children and I would not have attempted to interfere in theirs', even after marriage.
I think it's absolutely too late to expect them to be treated the same-their upbringing is basically complete.
As long as OP's husband is treating her fairly and neither she nor her children are subsidizing him he can do as he wishes as regards his daughter.

But why should she be given anything when she works?

DH claims today that she uses his credit card for the points and often transfer back for the amount, sometimes he tells her not to as he likes to treat her but she always offers. I don’t know if I believe this but whatever.
Also I’m not an authorised user on his credit card so Im not sure he’s actually that concerned about the points!

@InterIgnis and @IKEAJesus ,

‘I can’t afford to do it, so i’m going to dress it up like those that can and do have a moral deficiency”

in short.’

The irony here is I probably could afford it, but I never would. They have Uniqlo clothes, or similar, and can use their allowance to save up if they want designer gear. They are still younger teens and the only way I ‘spoil’ them is the odd luxury holiday and the security of private medicine (they go to state schools).

I knew a few trust fund kids growing up. They were generally lazy and unmotivated. What is there to aspire to if you have it all aged 18?!

And a degree apprenticeship in ‘wealth management’ (that well known academic degree) was almost certainly gained via papa’s contacts rather than through diligence and drive.

I think you are both jealous of the OP with her wealthy husband and nice London lifestyle and dressing it up as criticism of her.

In short.

Why should your DS be given anything when he sits on his lazy arse and doesn’t work?

Is she not doing a degree apprenticeship? Therefore earning and working.
You know OP if I had the money I would buy my kids more. I don't have money so they have what I can afford. Both adults BTW. Why can't he spend his money as he wants? Would you complain if he bought himself an expensive item?

But why should she be given anything when she works?

Because her father wants to do something nice for his daughter?

Because she’s studying - a degree apprenticeship is as much education as your son’s degree (and I’m willing to bet she’s putting far more hours into relevant activities for her qualification than he is)?

@Asofcati stop being jealous

I think you are both jealous of the OP with her wealthy husband and nice London lifestyle and dressing it up as criticism of her.

Nope - very happy with my life. I can afford to do what I want, and buy what I want, so why would I be jealous?

There’s the crux. Why is she on his credit card and not me wah wah stomps feet it’s not fair.

So hope is only a partner not a dh. Hopefully he wasn’t that stupid

It is your DH's choice.
You have a right to comment, privately, about the positive or negative effects to his daughter.
I think too much money creates an attitude of entitlement.
You could suggest that SD (and your sons) participates in local charity work, say at a soup kitchen or supporting sustainable environments for threatened animals or plants etc.
The aim is for well rounded, kind young adults who can do things for themselves. Consider asking them all to do more chores and cooking around their home too.

The other issue worth talking about is the long term security of each child.
Is your husband reducing the chance of his daughter affording to purchase a home due to not saving what she spends on sparkles and baubles?
Should you both be charging a small rent (maybe secretly saving it for house deposits for each child) so that your kids experience real life?

Why should your son when he has chosen (with your blessing) to sit on his arse and sponge off his parents and step parent?

You are coming across as petulant jealous child, having a tantrum because you aren't getting what you want or what someone else has.

Grow the fuck up!

So what if you believe it or not

Why should you be paying less than 50% when you work. Why do you deserve his hands out? Why does your child deserve his handouts. Only going uni tut tut get a job stop being a bum.

goes both ways doesn’t it.

Okay I will defend her here, one the degree isn’t wealth management that’s just what her role is, I think the degree is actually something like Financial Services . Two nothing to do with her dad, he’s a dermatologist and has no contacts that would have been useful, she did it all on her own. What a weird assumption to make.

Sorry If I’ve missed this @Asofcati , why do you care? It’s his money and he contributes appropriately to the household.

You seem jealous of her TBH.

And a degree apprenticeship in ‘wealth management’ (that well known academic degree) was almost certainly gained via papa’s contacts rather than through diligence and drive.
I suspect the degree is I finance and she works for a wealth management firm. The only one who is ' jealous' is the OP who thought she'd hit the jackpot snd she could get rid of the inconvenient stepdaughter in a couple of years, only to discover that her father wants to spend his own money on her even after she turns 18. Her mother must be spinning in her grave knowing the type of person her father has brought into her daughters life.

They both do chores already and all the kids cook dinner at least once a week.
She will never struggle to a buy a house as she has over half a million tucked away from her mum!

Are you jealous of that as well OP? Because I assure you that this young woman would much rather have her mother than all the money in the world.

But why should she be given anything when she works?
Becsuse her father wants to give it to her. £24k is not a lot of money to spend. In the type of industry she works in, she will look ridiculous in Primark dresses and shoes. He probably knows even though the poor girl offers, she will never be able to pay it back.

Sorry OP, if you're both comfortably off and it's his money, I can see why it might be irritating but you're just coming across as a bit jealous of her, and his ability to spend on her in a way you're not going to with your sons.

He may feel like he's compensating for the loss of her mother at such a young age, though arguably not in a way that will perhaps allow her to develop independence.

Suck it up, in short, unless you find it so irritating it's a relationship deal-breaker.

Wow, that is so good about the house potential.
I would not worry too much but involving your SD in community or charity work could help her be more well rounded.

Enjoy sometimes taking her out to such meetings or engagements. A mother/daughter like interest of value.

Not quite. I was and am the trust fund kid, that along with the vast majority of trust fund kids I know, successfully built on the foundations provided.

What is there to aspire to? From personal experience, whatever it is you want to. This girl has already embarked on a career that will enable her to continue having a lucrative lifestyle, so I don’t think your concern for her is necessary.

There's nothing to suggest the DSD isn't well rounded. Just that OP called her a "spoilt princess".

So you had a problem with him treating his DD the same as your sons? But not enough of an issue to just pay for your own kids?
Its pretty bloody rich to moan about her being spoilt and then demand he doesn’t cover his DD’s phone but does pay 70% of both your son’s phones!